Healing Carver
by SammyGal123
Summary: Healing Carver focuses on the growing relationship between Merrill and a very troubled Carver who has issues he needs to overcome. The question remains: Will he overcome them through the continuous love and support he unexpectedly finds in Merrill? One can only read to find out... Please enjoy and please, R&R...I would welcome any form of feedback.
1. Healing Carver Chapter 1

**Author's Note**

For all my fans out there, I would like to let you know that I am working on the fifth instalment of _Forever and Always_ and I want you all to know that I will be I will be posting further updates for _Forever and Always Volume I_ as soon as I have revised and toned down on certain themes.

I am currently revising my story and the way I wrote it. I have changed it to the present tense and I am toning down on certain...themes. There is still a lot of work to be done before I will be posting further updates. I would also like to let you know that _Forever and Always_ continues in _Volume II, III,_ _IV and V_ and I will be posting them in the near future...

But for now, I would like to introduce my new story:

_**Healing Carver**_ (Merrill & Carver).

_Healing Carver_ can be considered a tie in to _Forever and Always_, but this story focuses on Merrill and Carver and it is told entirely from Merrill's point of view. Some of you will pick up on certain themes that might be offensive, but read it at your own risk.

**Notes on Elvish Language****  
**

I will be using phrases from the Elvish language in this story and the phrases remain the property of BIOWARE as do certain plot themes, locations and characters I may use.

Elvish phrases are as follows with the English definition:

Ma'serannas - Thank you

Emma'abelas - I am sorry or sorrow

Ma'arlath - I love you

Emm'asha - My girl

Emma'lath - My love

Emma sa'lath - My one love

Emma'vhenan - My heart

Aneth'ara - Social greeting that translates into 'my safe place'

Andaran atish'an - Enter this place in peace or 'I dwell in this place, a place of peace'

Dareth'shiral - Farewell / safe journey

Da'len - Little child**  
**

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**Healing Carver by SammyGal123****  
**

**Chapter 01**

I glance anxiously at Keeper Marethari who has just informed me that I am no longer welcome amongst the Dalish. I can't blame her, I think, as I make my way to the path leading to Sundermount. I pause at the top and I take a deep breath of fresh air. I love being out in the open because it makes me feel free. I twirl around and I laugh, but I am quickly sobered by the disapproving look of a couple of elves who make a wide berth to avoid me as they pass me. A hard lump forms in my throat and I am quickly reminded of something the Keeper told me:

"_You made your choice, da'len when you summoned a demon to try and bring Tamlen back from beyond that mirror that was poisoned by the darkspawn taint. You have to live with the consequences of blood magic and the possibility that you have made yourself vulnerable to demon possession..."_

I close my eyes as a lump forms in my throat. I have no idea where to go from here. I had been with this Dalish Clan since I was four years of age. I never knew my mother. I sit down and wrap my arms around myself, trying to find some solace, but none comes, instead the events that led me to blood magic, springs unbidden to my mind...

_I am sitting by the fire listening to one of Hahren's Paivel stories, actually I am not concentrating on what he is saying because it is story I am familiar with. It is about Shartan who joined Andraste's rebellion against the Tevinter Imperium. He wanted a homeland for elves so that we could once again live as free as anyone else. He encouraged his fellow elven slaves to rise up against their Tevinter masters. Because the elves supported Andraste we were given a homeland in the Dales. I stand and move away from__ the__ warm fire. I am anxious about my friend Tamlen. I wander restlessly towards Keeper Marethari's aravel and I huddle in front of the blazing fire and stare unseeingly into the flames. I look up when I hear the familiar footfalls of the Keeper and by her very grave expression; I know something is terribly wrong. _

"_Keeper?" I whisper. I cannot shake the sudden sense of foreboding that has descended like a black cloud._

"_Da'len, I have terrible news..."_

I give myself a mental shake and I try to ignore the pain that is threatening to overwhelm me. I stand and head to a rock that overlooks the Dalish Camp and I sit down, hanging my legs over the edge and once again I am pulled back into my memory...

"_He's gone? How?" I barely whisper. I am numb. I can't quite believe what she has told me._

"_He found something in the ruins not far from here," she says._

"_What did he find, Keeper?" I ask._

"_An Eluvian - a mirror, except it was tainted by some dark magic. His fellow hunter said that Tamlen was drawn to the power it emanated. He touched the mirror...and disappeared. His fellow hunter barely made it here. He lived long enough tell me what happened. He passed onto the Beyond half-an-hour ago..."_

I take a deep breath and furiously wipe my eyes. I loved Tamlen and I only realised that after he disappeared and the pain I felt at the time was crippling. We left Ferelden four years ago and I brought the mirror with me. We settled here, in Sundermount after spending two years travelling the land. When it was discovered by the Keeper, she was horrified...

"_Merrill, that mirror is evil and tainted. Why bring it with you?" she asks._

"_Because I don't believe Tamlen is dead, Keeper and I am going to find a way to fix it with or without your consent," I reply._

"_Da'len, you cannot repair the mirror," she says softly._

"_Why not, Keeper?" I ask._

"_Because it is dangerous and besides how are you going to repair it?" she asks. I look away from her so that she cannot see my face._

"_I will find a way," I reply..._

I bury my head in my hands. Recently, I attempted to cleanse the mirror with normal magic. It did not work. I slit my wrists and summoned a demon who promised to give me the power necessary to repair the mirror. Blood magic is the foulest form of magic a mage can resort to and that is what I became - a blood mage, the most feared of all mages out there. The Keeper was furious with me and my clansmen couldn't wait to be rid of me. They claimed I brought bad luck upon the clan. I was beginning to think it was true especially since we lost our herd of Halla – beautiful white creatures that pulled our aravels. I wander back to the camp and I try ignoring the looks of loathing from my fellow clansmen. I settle myself in front of the fire by the Keeper's aravel. It is the only place I feel safe. She sits opposite me

"Da'len, I am expecting someone to arrive with an amulet... I don't know who to expect, but I suspect it might be a shemlen," she says quietly.

"Why would a shemlen come here?" I ask.

"She made a promise to Asha'bellanar to bring the amulet to me..." she replies. "And this shemlen is close by. I can feel the amulet's power," she says.

"What do you want me to do, Keeper?" I ask.

"Perform _The Dalish Rite for the Departed_. You know of which one I speak," she replies. I close my eyes. Of course I know what she is talking about. It is the same ritual or song we performed in memorial of Tamlen. My heart clenches painfully at the memory, but I quickly recover myself.

"Yes Keeper," I murmur.

"Wait for them at the top of the mountain path," she says as she stands. "Mmm...She is here," she murmurs. I walk away thinking how in the Creator's name does she know it is a she? I shrug my shoulders and sit down at the top of the path. I allow my magic to flow and in no time, my hands are covered in a bluish aura. At least my spell does not have the usual red tinge. I am comforted by the thought.

o0o

_A few minutes later_, I hear footfalls. I hastily break my spell. It makes a whooshing sound and I hope no-one has heard it because I don't want to answer any questions, least of all, not to strangers. I stand up and I pause. Someone is watching me and I tingle in anticipation. I have not felt this way since Tamlen. I slowly turn around and I meet an intense pair of blue eyes. I am momentarily shocked. I search this face and for a moment, I think some emotion flickers across his face, but he quickly lowers his eyes. I give myself a mental shake and I take note of the woman...shemlen, standing in front of me. She has tousled black hair and light blue eyes that are kind and compassionate. She moves suddenly and she slips her hand into someone's hand. She moves aside and a man...shemlen, stands beside her. He has light brown hair and light brown eyes that are also compassionate, but they are wary and there is something else I can't quite place my finger on. He whispers something to her and she blushes deeply. They are obviously involved and I am proven correct when she kisses him. I'm surprised by the way she moulds herself to her man. They obviously have known each other for quite some time.

"Not again," the blue-eyed man...shemlen says and he scowls at them. There is something almost dangerous and possessive in his eyes as he glances at the woman...shemlen.

"Shut up," she murmurs. She moves to the side and a woman with red hair and green eyes steps forward. She glances at the blue-eyed man who glares defiantly at her before he rests his gaze on me. I suddenly very extremely self-conscious and I blush. I lower my eyes to my knotted hands.

"Are you Merrill?" the blue-eyed woman asks. I raise my eyes.

"I...I am," I reply.

"I am Marian Amell-Hawke," she says softly.

"I am pleased to meet you, Marian, but the rest?" I ask.

"Oh, my apologies. The defiant young man is Carver Hawke, my brother," she replies without any humour whatsoever. He scowls at her and folds his arms.

"And I am Aveline Vallen. I am pleased to meet you, Merrill," the red-haired woman says kindly.

"And you are?" I ask, motioning to the man standing next to Marian.

"Anders... My name is Anders," he replies. He smiles warmly at me as does Marian. I glance at Carver, but he is not looking at me.

"What was that noise a while ago?" Marian asks.

"What noise? I didn't hear anything," I answer quickly, too quickly, but if she notices, she doesn't react.

"You seem awfully nervous," she says.

"I...I am not used to seeing so many shemlens," I reply defensively.

"Hey, we won't harm you," she says kindly.

"Really?" Carver smirks and I glance at him. He is so handsome and his eyes crinkle in wry amusement. He briefly catches my eye and in that split second something passes between us. His eyes widen and become a deep shade of blue and I blush. I hastily look anywhere but at him, yet I am drawn to him. I raise my eyes and I study him. He is tall and very broad across the chest. He's wearing a light blue sleeveless shirt that is stretched across his chest showing his muscular frame and his arms are just as muscular. I take note of his hands and they are large. I dare not stray to his legs because, no doubt, they are just as muscular as the rest of him. He realises I'm studying him and he glares at me. I quickly look away because he intimidates me.

"Merrill, I take it you have been expecting me for quite some time," Marian says.

"Yes, we have," I whisper.

"Keeper Marethari told us you are leaving the clan... Why?" She asks. I look into her kind face and for no reason at all, I want nothing more than to sit down and weep.

"I...I have to...Let's leave it at that shall we?" I murmur hoarsely.

"Very well... Have you met Flemeth?" She asks.

"She is known as Asha'bellanar to my people and no, I have not met her. I've heard that most people who have met her end up in pieces hanging from the trees," I reply.

"She doesn't sound very friendly, but she did help is in getting to Kirkwall," she says.

"We need to go. Asha'bellanar is not known for her patience," I say as I turn away from her, but mostly it is because I don't want to look at Carver anymore. If I do, I am going to collapse to the ground.

o0o

_I can't quite_ meet everyone's eyes as we stand in a clearing that is littered with corpses we have destroyed. The veil is very thin and all sorts of evil things prowl the mountain paths.

"Another bloody mage, Marian," Carver says resentfully. I briefly catch his eye and he scowls at me and both Marian and Anders look at me with kindness in their eyes._ How long is that going to last?_

"Keeper Marethari never mentioned you were a mage," she says softly.

"All Keepers know a bit of old magic. The stories tell us that all elvhen once had the gift, but like so many things, it was lost. It is a Keeper's job to remember, to restore what we can," I explain.

"Can't demons possess Dalish mages?" she asks.

"It can happen and when it does, the clan must hunt and kill their Keeper or any other Dalish mage who is possessed," I reply.

"Does the Chantry know about the Dalish mages?" she asks.

"Oh they know. Keeper Marethari told me that was one of the reasons we never camped too long in one place. They usually won't pursue us if we stay away from the cities and keep moving," I reply.

"Do you have any idea how fortunate you are?" Anders asks and he wants to say more, but she shakes her head.

"Love, not right now... You can vent...later," she says. _So they are together..._

"Later, you say?" he says as he grins at her. She smiles sweetly at him before she turns to me.

"But my clan is now in more danger, having lost our Halla," I murmur.

"Merrill, if you go to Kirkwall, you'll be an apostate in a city crawling with Templars," she says.

"I know, but if I don't go to Kirkwall, I'll be...alone and a solitary elf is easy prey for anyone. In the city I can get lost in the crowd," I explain.

"Why are you leaving your clan?" she asks.

"I have to leave my clan, Marian. I have no choice and right now I don't want to discuss it."

"I'm just trying to understand, Merrill. What Anders and I would give to be living away from Kirkwall, but I won't press you further. Thanks for your help, though back there," she says.

"Oh! You are welcome. I was not sure I would be much good. I've done a little fighting before, but it was always alone," I murmur.

"Well, thanks for your help," she says kindly.

"Pleasure... I try not hitting anyone." I can't hide my smile and I glance at Carver. He is watching me intently and his eyes darken considerably. Something flickers in his eyes, but he recovers himself and walks past without looking at me.

"Well, I think you did a remarkable job back there," she says and my heart swells with mage pride.

"You are too kind, Marian," I whisper.

"I think we should move along. This amulet feels as if it is weighing me down...," she says.

"I can carry it for while, love," Anders says.

"Absolutely not, Anders. We tried that and what good did it do?" she asks. I frown, not understanding what she means.

"But you look terrible, Mari," he says.

"Anders, I said _no_..." she says firmly.

"Fine...I don't like being here anymore than you do, Mari. The veil is very thin and I feel vulnerable," he says. She turns around and reaches for his hands. _What does he mean, by feeling vulnerable?_

"Andy, I feel it to, love. Just relax," she says.

"Merrill, can we move along now?" she asks.

"Yes, follow me," I reply. We walk up the mountain path in silence. Not a bird or bee is heard as we make our way to a camp. As we near, one of my clansmen approaches us. He glares at me.

"So the Keeper finally found someone to take you from here," he says.

"Yes," I reply, looking away from him. His words cut me to the core and I quickly brush a tear away before the others see me.

"Then finish your task quickly, shemlen. We cannot be rid of this one too soon," he says, pushing past me. I stumble and a strong hand curls around my upper arm.

"Merrill, be careful." I look up and straight into Carver's blue eyes. Again, his eyes darken considerably.

"I...I," I stammer. He gently releases my arm and strides ahead of us.

"Isn't Dalish camaradie delightful?" Anders says.

"Shut up, love. There is something else going on here," Marian murmurs.

"I have made my choice and I will save our clan, whatever you think," I call at the elvish back that is striding away from me. I straighten myself and focus my attention on Marian who seems concerned.

"What is going on here, Merrill?" she asks.

"It is nothing. Just ignorance. We should go," I reply. I follow Carver who is standing by a rockslide.

"Where to now, Merrill? We can't continue this way," he says quietly.

"There is a cave further up the path. We have to go through it to get to the other side," I reply.

"Okay. Lead on," he says without even looking at me. I am confused. One minute he appears concerned and in the next minute, he is angry. I lead them up the path and I stop at the entrance to the cave. The look of loathing I saw in my clansmen's eyes doesn't leave me and more than anything, I want to sit down and weep. I am very close to doing just that. I turn around and gaze at Marian who is speaking to Anders. Carver is standing behind them, scowling and Aveline appears as if she is thinking about something.

"I'm sorry," I blurt out. Marian turns her gaze on me and she frowns.

"For what?" she asks.

"You are not really seeing the Dalish at their best. We are good people who look out for each other. Just not today, apparently," I reply.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" she asks.

"It is kind of you to ask, but I'm fine. Even if my people don't appreciate my efforts, I must see this through," I reply. I am deeply touched by the kindness in her eyes, but I can't shake the feeling that is all going to change very soon. I compose myself.

"Let us go... Asha'bellanar isn't known for her patience," I murmur.

o0o

_A deadly silence_ has fallen over us and it is suffocating me. I don't know where to look. My wrists are dripping with blood from where I cut myself to use my blood magic to break the barrier preventing us from venturing into the elven graveyard. The way forward is open, but I cannot move and I cannot meet any of their gazes. I briefly glance at Carver and his eyes are full of loathing and disgust and for some reason, it hurts me. I break my gaze with him and I glance anxiously at Marian who is at a loss for words and Anders – his eyes are narrowed and there is a look of loathing as well.

"The way forward is open," I murmur, finding my voice at last.

"That...That was a summoning. That takes blood magic. Are you crazy?" Anders asks. He can't quite hide his disapproval and he glances at Marian who has yet to say anything.

"Yes, it was blood magic, but I know what I am doing. The spirit helped us, didn't it?" I ask defensively.

"Call it what is, Merrill, you summoned a demon," Marian says quietly.

"Demons are just like spirits. Like honour or joy. It's not their fault they are what they are," I point out, but all I get from them, are more looks of disgust and horror. I search Marian's face for any signs of understanding, but her expression is unreadable. I glance desperately at Carver and his expression is cold.

"You know nothing of spirits! Don't try and spread your ignorance," Anders says quietly, angrily and for a moment, his eyes glow blue, he squeezes them closed and seeks out Marian's hand. I don't know what else to say. I take a deep breath and walk on. Marian joins me, holding tightly to his hand and we gaze out over the graveyard. She shivers. I am not surprised because the veil is extremely thin here.

"Be careful up ahead. Restless things prowl the heights," I whisper. I lead them down the path that will take us to the altar overlooking the Sundermount Valley. We don't get very far when, for some reason, I turn around. Anders is on his knees and blue energy is pulsating around him.

"Andy...Andy," Marian calls, kneeling in front of him. She reaches for his hands.

"He wants to come out, Mari. I can't stop him... Help me," he whispers. _He wants to come out? What is he talking about?_ I feel someone stand next to me and I am pleasantly surprised it's Carver.

"What's wrong with him?" I ask.

"Um...It is not my place to tell you, Merrill, but I can tell you that I don't approve of my sister's relationship with him," he replies.

"Why?" I ask. My curiosity is piqued.

"I just don't," he replies. I study him for a while and I realise that he is envious of his sister's relationship with Anders. _Why?_

"How long have they known each other?" I ask.

"They met during the time she spent at the Circle of Magi in Ferelden. She was a rebellious little teenager who flaunted her gift of magic... She spent two years at the Circle and that is where she met Anders. They are engaged as well," he replies.

"Really?" I ask. I find this piece of news very interesting.

"And what about you?" I ask.

"Me? I...I..." He stammers. His expression hardens and he walks away from me. _What did I say?_ I turn my attention on Marian and it appears she has calmed him down somewhat. She stands, taking him with her and he wraps his arms around her waist.

"Thank you... I owe you one," he murmurs.

"Anything for you, love," she murmurs. She stands on her tiptoes... I turn away from them because I don't want to intrude on their special moment. I notice Carver standing further along and I follow him, but if notices me, he doesn't acknowledge it.

"Merrill, what is this place?" Marian asks.

"In the days of Arlathan, the elders came here to sleep. Uthenera, the endless dream, they called it, but they don't sleep peacefully anymore," I reply, sweeping my eyes over the many gravestones. I shiver involuntarily. I have never liked coming this far up the mountain.

"Come, we must place the amulet on the altar over there," I inform her.

"Very well," she says. I lead them to the altar. The altar is made out of stone and one lone blue flame dances in the middle of it. I turn and face Marian who is holding the amulet in her hand.

"What do you need me to do?" she asks.

"Place the amulet on the altar," I reply. She places it on the altar and she breathes sigh of relief.

"Now I do feel better... What next?" she asks.

"I must perform a Dalish rite for the departed," I reply.

"Very well," she says as she steps away from it. She falls into his arms. The relief in their eyes is quite something to see. No one likes to carry something like that around. I turn around and look out over the Sundermount Valley. I hope I have the strength to say the rite. I take a deep breath and push all thoughts of Tamlen and Carver aside and I close my eyes...

_Hahren na melana sahlin_

_Emma ir abelas_

_Souver'inan isala hamin_

_Vhenan him dor'felas_

_In uthenera na revas..._

A bright white light forces me to open my eyes and out of the amulet, a woman emerges. I step back in surprise. She saunters towards us. She has grey hair and cunning yellow eyes. She stops within arm's reach of us and surveys all of us before she rests her eyes on Marian who is not intimidated by her at all.

"Aaah and here we are," Asha'bellanar says.

I curtsy respectfully in front of her. "Andaran, atish'an, Asha'bellanar," I murmur. I reluctantly look at her.

"One of the people, I see, so you and bright. Do you know who I am beyond that title?" she asks.

"I know only a little, Asha'bellanar," I reply.

"Then stand. The people bend their knee too quickly," she says. I hastily stand and move a respectful distance away from her. I gaze out over the valley.

"Hey, are you alright?"

"What do you care, Carver?" I reply.

"I don't, but my sister won't be happy with me if I don't ask," he replies.

"So do you follow your sister around like some lost Mabari hound?" I cannot resist asking because I am well and truly annoyed with him and I am confused about the way I am feeling.

"You don't know me, Merrill. You don't know any of us or what we have all been through..." he says curtly.

"And you don't know me or my reasons for using blood magic. You made your hatred pretty clear," I murmur.

"I was raised in a family with two mage sisters, Merrill, and my father was a mage, so excuse me if I appear bitter and resentful," he says quietly.

"Your sister, Anders and you don't approve of blood magic," I murmur.

"Because it is dangerous, Merrill. Even I know that. Your reasons are your own. I am just Carver who follows his sister around," he says.

"That much is obvious," I mutter. I need to get away from him, so I wander back to the altar. Marian and Asha'bellanar are speaking.

"It is so refreshing to see someone who keeps their end of the bargain. I half-expected my amulet to end up in a merchant's pocket," she says.

"I agreed to deliver the amulet, Flemeth, though you could have told me you were inside it," Marian says.

"Just a piece...A small piece, but that is all I needed. A bit of security should the inevitable occur and if I know my Morrigan, it already has," she explains. _Who is Morrigan?_

"Who is Morrigan? Is that someone I should know?" Marian voices my thought.

"Hah... She's a girl who thinks she knows what is what better than I or anyone and why not? I raised her to be as such and I cannot expect her to be any less," she replies.

"Mmm...I'm not sure whether she's your daughter or your enemy," Marian says.

"Neither is she," Asha'bellanar says. Marian glances at Anders who is studying Asha'bellanar with great concentration.

"Andy, what do you think?" Marian asks.

"Mmm...I'm not sure... What are you? A spirit? An Abomination? This is no magic I've ever seen," he replies.

"And you would know of spirits and abominations?" Asha'bellanar asks.

"I am a mage. Of course I know of such things," he replies, folding his arms and a look of indignation crosses his face.

"Of course you do... I am a fly in the ointment. I am a whisper in the shadows. I am also an old, old woman. More than that you need not know," she says. I wander away from them. I have no interest in hearing her explanations. I need time to think and prepare myself for my departure from my people. I wander down another path and I sit on a flat rock overlooking the Dalish camp far below. I allow my mind to drift and with every thought, a sense of sadness slowly envelops me and my tears fall unchecked. The Dalish way of life is all I know. I know nothing of the way of Alienage elves or the ways of the shemlen and the thought scares me. I don't know what I am going in to. I've always felt safe among the Dalish, but even that is fading. I gaze unseeingly at nothing in particular.

"Merrill, are you sure you are alright?" Again it is Carver. His voice is like a gentle breeze that moves through me and a sense of longing overwhelms me.

"Just leave me alone, please," I murmur.

"I can't," he murmurs as he sits next to me. I give him a side long glance. He really is handsome and his face is so vulnerable as if he has or is experiencing some profound loss. I instinctively move closer to him. I need some sort of contact, but he stiffens as soon as our arms touch.

"I...I am sorry," I whisper. I want to move away from him, but he rests his hand on my thigh and his touch sends delicious tingles through me.

"No...I should apologise for being so rude to you earlier... You don't want to get involved with me Merrill. I am one messed up individual who has many issues," he whispers.

"Who says I wanted to anyway?" I ask. I can't hide the unfamiliar pain his words have caused. "And we don't know each other anyway," I mutter as I abruptly stand up.

"Fine... That is just the way it is then, isn't it? No one wants Carver and the person he wants the most is out of his reach," he mutters, standing up. I cringe away from him because he is so tall and broad and I feel intimidated by him. He towers over me and so many emotions flicker across his face. I eventually lower my eyes. I turn around and wander back up the path. As I reach the top, I hear a loud whooshing sound and I look towards the sky. A dragon is flying away from us. I realise it is Asha'bellanar. _She must be a powerful mage to transform into a dragon._ I have heard tales of shape shifters and I realise she is one of them. What an extraordinary gift to have.

"Merrill, can we go? I need to get Anders home," Marian says as soon as she sees me.

"Yes..." I whisper.

o0o

_"Elgar'nan... Is this.._. really where the elves live?" I ask. I can't hide my disbelief. We are in an _Alienage_ in _Lowtown_. My surroundings are dusty and many elves are going about their business. I glance up at the tree that is in the centre of the _Alienage._ It has Dalish marks on the trunk. It is the only familiar thing of home and it saddens me that I am no longer welcome amongst the Dalish.

"If you think this is bad, Merrill, then you should see our place in Darktown," Anders says quietly as he slips his arm around Marian.

"I didn't think it would be so...so... I have never seen so many people in one place before. It seems...very lonely," I murmur.

"Hey, you already know me...and my brother," Marian says kindly and I blush at her words. He is standing next to her, watching me and his eyes are extremely dark, yet they are hooded as if he is hiding something.

"I...thank you. Thank you for everything, for all your help. Will you visit me?" I ask, staring directly at Carver who has stepped forward.

"I don't mean now, of course, but maybe later? I could use a friend," I whisper. I am afraid she will say no. I am afraid I will not see him again and the thought saddens me.

"Hey, I think I would like that..." she says.

"Really? I mean, my gift is not going to chase you away?" I whisper.

"No...Believe me, things like that don't frighten me. Ask Anders," she replies, nudging him in the ribs and he frowns.

"Marian," he says when she presses her finger against his lips.

"I told you, you can vent later... Perhaps sooner," she murmurs. He grins as he grabs her wrist. He winks at her before he kisses the palm of her hand and her face turns crimson.

"Perhaps sooner than you realise, sweetie," he murmurs. I cannot watch any longer. Their blatant show of affection is a bit much for someone such as me who lacks significant experience in that department. Instead, I turn my gaze on Carver and he is scowling...again. I sigh in exasperation and drop my backpack to the ground. It feels far too heavy all of a sudden. That seems to snap him out of his mood. He steps forward and retrieves it from the ground.

"Um...Would you like me to help you get settled?" he asks. I am too surprised to say anything. Instead, I nod.

"Mari, I will see you later...Perhaps at the _Hanged Man_?" he enquires.

"After the events of today, Brother, I doubt I will be able to make it to the tavern, later," she replies.

"Fine...Fine...I will go on my own as usual and drink it up with Varric," he says quietly.

"As you wish. Perhaps you should take Merrill with you," she suggests. He looks at me with raised eyebrows and I shake my head.

"No... No crowds. I want to get settled. I have had a long emotional day. Please try to understand," I whisper.

"Carver, would you please help her get settled," Marian asks.

"Um...Of course... Come with me," he says, reaching for my hand. I reluctantly let him take it. His hand is big, warm and calloused and strangely comforting. He leads to me to house near a merchant's stall and he opens it.

"After you," he says softly. I enter the house and make my way to the centre of the room. There is table with a couple of chairs in the corner and there is a desk with a couple of books. The place looks recently lived in and I wonder who used to live here. I want to ask Carver if he knows, but he is standing uncertainly at the door still holding my backpack.

"Please come in," I murmur. I turn away from him and wander through another door that leads into a bedroom with a single bed against the left wall. It looks comfortable, but I feel uneasy. He has followed me into my room. He drops my backpack onto the bed and he closes the distance between us.

"It's far better than my uncle's home...At least it's clean and comfortable," he murmurs.

"Your uncle's home?" I ask.

"Yes, we, that is, my mother and I, sometimes Marian and Anders, stay. His home is not far from here..." he explains. I back against the wall because he is intimidating me again. He places his hands on either side of me.

"Carver," I whisper. My heart rate has suddenly escalated. I gaze at him and his eyes widen and become dark. I cannot look away from him. My cheeks feel warm, too warm and I think it would be quite pleasant drinking a glass of water. He leans closer and I stop breathing altogether.

"I'm not good for you, Merrill," he murmurs.

"You...You don't know that," I whisper.

"I am a bad person, Merrill..." he murmurs.

"Why do you say that?" I ask.

"Because...Because...," he stammers.

"Ssh... You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," I murmur. I warily raise my hand to his cheek. I expect him to pull back, but instead he leans into it. I gently touch his cheek and the feel of his stubble against my thumb is strangely exciting.

"Maker," he murmurs. Suddenly he pulls away. His eyes are hooded again and his expression is unreadable.

"I should go... Take care of yourself," he whispers. He turns away, but I reach for his hand.

"Don't leave me alone," I whisper.

"I...I must go, Merrill... I will visit you again, but I am not sure when... We all spend time at the tavern. Find us there if you want company," he murmurs.

"Carver," I whisper, but he is gone. The last thing I hear is the door slamming shut and I cannot prevent my tears from falling. I have never felt so alone in my life and I already miss Marethari. I sink to the floor and curl myself into a little ball and I weep for all I have lost and it is my own fault.


	2. Healing Carver Chapter 2

**Chapter 02**

_I sit at the_ table drinking a mug of water and eating the meal I have prepared for myself. It has been three days since I left the Dalish and I am so lonely. I had ventured out into the Alienage a couple of times and I had spoken to the other elves, but they weren't really interested in little old me. My nights were restless and that was because I couldn't get Carver out of my mind. I knew without a doubt there was something between us, but whether he realised it, I did not know. I couldn't keep his handsome face from intruding on my every thought. I even attempted reading the Vhenandal – a history of our people – but to no avail. His face appeared at the most inconvenient times. I finish my meal half-heartedly – it consisted of a few potatoes and vegetables. That was all I could afford. I finish my water and I stand. I pick up my plate and glass and I wander over to the small basin by the lone window in my home. At least I can see the tree. I smile to myself while I absentmindedly wash my plate and mug. I put them into the small cupboard near the fireplace. I wander over to the desk and I sit. I retrieve my book from the floor – it is about Arlathan our first home before we were given a homeland in the Dales, but even that was cruelly taken away from us by the shemlens. I sigh sadly as I page the book, but a knock at the door disturbs me. I hope for a moment it is Carver, but I can't hide my disappointment when Marian enters with Anders behind her.

"Hey Merrill, how are you?" she asks as she sits in my vacated seat. Anders stands behind her and places his hands on her shoulders. He bends and gives her a kiss on the cheek and a warm blush spreads along her cheeks.

"Do you want my honest answer?" I ask.

"Um...Well, you seemed to have settled in well, yet you look sad. Do you miss your clan?" she asks softly.

"I miss Keeper Marethari... The elves are different here... They don't take much notice of me and if they have, then I haven't noticed... I...I am also a bit lonely," I murmur. _Lonely for Carver..._ I lower my eyes lest I give too much away.

"Have you had any trouble with the templars?" she asks.

"No...I don't think they are even aware I exist," I reply.

"You must keep it that way," Anders says.

"I haven't used any magic, Anders. There is no need for it," I murmur defensively.

"Fair enough...," he says.

"Are you comfortable here, Merrill?" she asks.

"It's okay... I miss the mountains, the trees and the fresh air of being out there. Here it is so stuffy and muggy..." I reply.

"I know what you mean. I was raised in Lothering in Ferelden and I miss the freedom of running in the open fields, swimming in the river," she says quietly as she glances at Anders.

"How did you end up here? If you don't mind me asking," I murmur.

"The Darkspawn Horde swept through our village. We had to leave," she replies. She stares past me at something she can only see, but the pain in her eyes is unmistakable.

"What happened?" I ask.

"My sister was killed when we fled the Blightlands. She was crushed by an ogre," she replies. She quickly wipes her cheek. "I'm sorry. I miss her... It has been about a year since she died."

"You have been in Kirkwall for that long?" I ask.

"Yes...Flemeth helped us escape. The amulet was part of the deal," she replies.

"Oh...So that is how you met her," I comment.

"Yes, otherwise we would be dead," she says.

"Oh love, don't speak like that," Anders murmurs.

"I...I am sorry, love... I am just so glad I found you when I did... The last three years have been awful and lonely..." she murmurs.

"The last three years?" I can't hide my confusion.

"We met in the Circle of Magi in Ferelden when I was sixteen. I returned home after spending two years there and I went through a terrible time without Anders. He joined my at the behest of the First Enchanter who gave him permission to leave the Circle. He lived with my family and I for three years until he was forced to return to the Circle... Someone betrayed us... We have only recently found each other," she explains.

"I believe you are engaged," I murmur.

"How do you know that?" she asks.

"Carver told me..." I reply.

"Mmm...Well, he doesn't approve at all. You see he is very jealous of our relationship," she explains.

"Why?" I ask.

"I...I don't know," she replies, lowering her eyes. She does know. She just doesn't want to tell me.

"Love, I think we should go. We promised to meet Varric at the tavern to discuss the expedition and any other possible employment he might have for you," he says.

"And I have to find another twenty-five sovereigns." She scowls. She stands up and slips both her arms around his waist.

"You will find them, love. Have a little faith," he says.

"Well, I hope so, because I am losing hope," she says.

"Don't, my love," he murmurs.

"I'm trying, Anders, but it is so difficult... The last task he sent us on got us stuck with an elf who can't stand the sight of mages. The only good thing that came out of it was that he paid well," she says.

"He paid bloody well, Mari..." he says.

"Mmm...Perhaps I should speak to Aveline about possible work for us," she says.

"And I think we should go. Would you like to come with us?" Anders asks.

"Um..." I mumbled.

"Come on, Merrill. It will be good for you and besides, we will be there and if you are fortunate, Carver might be around," she says softly.

"Okay...I need to get out of here before I drive myself silly," I murmur. _Silly from thoughts about Carver..._

"Excellent... Shall we?" she asks Anders who wraps his arm around her waist. I smile at them because they are so happy and for a brief moment, I feel envious.

o0o

_I can't prevent_ myself from smiling as I follow Marian to a table on the far side of the very rowdy tavern because Carver is here and he has not broken our gaze since the moment I stepped in and caught his eye. His gaze is so intense it feels as if he is burning holes into me. He really has remarkable blue eyes and by the time I sit down opposite him, they have darkened considerably.

"Carver," I greet him.

"Merrill," he murmurs, caressing each letter of my name and it sends tingles along my spine and connects with my deep longing for him. I stretch my legs in front of me and I accidentally touch his leg. He flinches as if I have burnt him, but he recovers himself.

"Have you settled in?" he asks softly.

"Sort of..." I reply.

"Why do you say that?" he asks.

"I miss my people and I am a bit lonely," I reply.

"How lonely?" he asks as he smiles warmly at me.

"Um..." I finally break our gaze and I stare down at my hands that are clasped tightly in front of me.

"Well, well, well... Who is this fine young lady?" A loud booming voice asks. I look up and into the kind face of a dwarf with light brown eyes that are friendly.

"Oh...Varric, this is Merrill," Carver replies.

"I am very pleased to meet you, Merrill," he says enthusiastically.

"I am pleased to meet you, Varric," I murmur.

"Marian mentioned you last night... Hope you have settled well in the Alienage and if you are ever feel lonely, then come to me and I can tell you stories," he says.

"Mmm...I will remember that," I laugh. I feel at ease for the first time in three days and I smile at him before I look at Carver again. For some reason, I feel an urge to sit next to him, but I am too shy to move and I wish he would sit next to me. He smiles mysteriously at me and very casually, he stands. He saunters to my side of the table and he sits next to me. There is silence at the table. I cautiously raise my eyes and Marian is smiling mysteriously at me. As if she knows something I don't and I soon discover what that is when his hand curls over my thigh, sending jolts of electricity to my stomach. He leans towards me.

"Just relax... I won't harm you," he murmurs.

"But you made your dislike of my...magic, known. Forgive me for feeling more than a bit confused," I murmur.

"It doesn't mean I dislike you... There is something about you, Merrill," he whispers.

"You said you are not good for me, yet here you are sitting next to me," I whisper.

"I am not good for you, but it doesn't mean I can't try... I have...secrets, Merrill... They might scare you off," he says softly as he continues massaging my thigh.

"How do you know that?" I murmur. I am tempted to curl my hand over his thigh. He reaches for my hand that is resting on the table and he entwines our fingers. He moves our hands to below the table and he releases mine on his thigh. I curl my hand over his very large thigh and his muscles tense.

"I just know, Merrill..." he whispers. I have forgotten we are not alone and so has he. He is gazing at me with dark blue eyes and I feel myself getting lost in the intensity of his gaze.

"How can you possibly know that? You don't know me," I point out. He looks away from me, breaking our gaze and he stares moodily into the distance, but he does not remove his hand from my thigh. I leave my hand where it is and I try to refocus on the conversation around me. No-one appears to have noticed our brief encounter.

"Varric, I thought you were going to order drinks for us," Anders says.

"Blondie, I am getting there... What do you all want?" he asks.

"Two ciders for my lovely Marian and I," Anders replies.

"What would you like, Merrill?" Carver asks.

"I...I don't know. I have never had shemlen or dwarven drinks before," I reply honestly.

"Varric, make that three ciders and I will have..." he says thoughtfully. "I think I will have a cider as well," he continues. Everyone gapes at him. I gather he doesn't drink cider.

"That's new for you, Brother. Decided to change your habits?" Marian asks.

"Shut up, Sister... What is wrong with ordering a cider? Maker knows I drink far too much," he says.

"You don't say," she says sarcastically.

"Hey, if he wants a cider, then leave him alone," I blurt out. I am surprised by my own reaction and that does not go by unnoticed by everyone.

"Fine...You heard the man, Varric. Four ciders," she says.

"Hey, thank you," he whispers.

"Pleasure," I murmur. While we wait for our drinks, a woman sits opposite me. She has a dark complexion, dark brown eyes and dark brown hair. She winks at Carver and I feel a sudden surge of jealousy. _Who is she?_ Carver ignores her. They obviously have a history and the thought does not please me.

"Oh...Merrill, meet out fearless pirate queen – Isabela from Rivain," Varric introduces her with a flourish.

"Hello," I say softly. She glances from me to Carver and then back at me.

"It's a pleasure," she says quietly. "Hey Varric, I hope you have ordered me a bottle of whiskey," she says. I breathe a sigh of relief and I relax further.

"Not this time, Isabela, but I have ordered you a tankard of dwarven mead," Varric says.

"Mmm...That's good enough for me..." she says. She glances at Carver again and he shifts next to me. He is uncomfortable, that much is clear and it becomes all too clear when he suddenly moves my hand to the bulge between his legs. I blush immediately. I try moving my hand, but he tightens his grip. He slowly moves my hand along his length and an unfamiliar ache makes itself known in the pit of my stomach. I cannot break eye contact with him and his eyes have darkened considerably. He releases my hand, allowing me to continue... Our drinks arrive and he grabs his mug. He gulps it one go and then he excuses himself. He walks out of the tavern, leaving me feeling bereft. I drink my cider in one go and I get up to follow him. I need to breathe in fresh air. I don't bother letting the others know even though they are giving me curious glances. I exit the tavern and take a long gulp of fresh air and very suddenly, two arms wrap themselves around me.

"What are you doing to me?" he murmurs hoarsely as he swings me around to face him.

"I...I don't know... You started it," I reply. He grabs my hand and we hastily walk past the tavern, through the _Old City Slums_ and into the _Alienage_. He leads me to my home and opens the door. As soon as the door is closed, he pulls me into his arms. He leans closer, but then thinks better of it.

"No... I can't do this. I'm sorry," he murmurs. He abruptly releases me and walks out leaving me feel as confused and bewildered as ever. I drop myself into a chair and I bury my head in my hands. My tears flow freely. I am so lonely and so confused about my strong reaction to Carver that I don't quite know what to think. An imperceptible knock at my door interrupts my thoughts.

"I...I'm coming." I get to my feet, grab a cloth and wash my face.

"Merrill, it's me, Marian." I feel a pang of disappointment when I let her in.

"Are you okay?" she asks. There is concern in her light blue eyes and it makes me feel a bit better.

"I'm fine..." I reply.

"No you are not and nor is my brother... Merrill, I've gathered that there is something between you, but I must warn you about my brother," she says.

"What about him?" I ask defensively.

"He has a dark side, Merrill... A side I have seen too many times since Bethany's death... He was extremely close to his sister... He is an angry young man," she replies as she paces the length of my living room.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"It is not my place to tell you. I just don't want to see you get hurt in the long run..." she replies.

"Then why mention it at all, Marian?" I ask.

"I don't want to see you get hurt. You are still young. You must be his age?" she asks.

"I'm nineteen," I reply.

"So is Carver... He is a good man, but he is...troubled," she replies.

"So what, Marian?" I mutter. I feel agitated. _Who does she think she is?_

"Are you attracted to him?" she asks softly.

"Extremely," I whisper deciding that honesty is the best way to go.

"Listen, please don't think I am trying to tell you how to live your life, but look after yourself. He can be domineering at the best of times even if it is unintentional. I don't want you to get hurt," she says.

"You seem more concerned about me, than you are about your own brother." I observe.

"I know my brother, Merrill... Maker, I wish I could tell you, but he will hate me if I do. We aren't on the best of terms at the moment," she explains.

"I really think this shouldn't concern you, Marian," I mutter, barely keeping my agitation under control.

"Mmm...You are right and I apologise, but just bear in mind what I have told you," she says.

"I will," I murmur. I smile inwardly because I have no intention of heeding her advice.

"Would you like to come back with me? I think they are going to play a round of _Wicked Grace_," she says.

"_Wicked Grace?_ What's that?" I ask.

"Some card game of Isabela's. Come back with me, Merrill, even if it is for only an hour. My companions aren't that bad...Well, except for Fenris," she says.

"Okay...Let's go..." I reply. We exit into the Alienage and we stroll back to the tavern.

"Who is Fenris?" I ask as she opens the door.

"Some man who hates mages... Well, he is an elf. I am sure you will see him sometime and I must warn not to stare. His body is covered in white Lyrium markings," she replies.

"Okay, I won't stare," I say. She opens the door and I follow her. I eagerly search the room for Carver and I find him at Varric's table, but he has his arm draped around Isabela and she is caressing his face. I am completely surprised. She is draped all over him. She's touching his hair, his nose and then she kisses him. My heart clenches painfully and to my chagrin, tears are rolling down my cheeks.

"Oh...Shit...I am sorry, Merrill. I...I was not expecting this," Marian says quietly. I find that I cannot look at her. After a few seconds I force myself to look at him and they are still kissing.

"Carver Hawke," Marian yells as she strides towards the table. He breaks their kiss very quickly and he looks at me. His expression is mortified and it earns him a slap from his sister. I hastily turn around and exit the tavern. I don't know where to go. I feel so confused and disorientated. _She is right..._I slowly head in the direction of the Alienage and by some miracle I find my way home – my empty home. I shut the door behind me and I sit on the floor in front of the fire and weep.

o0o

_I eventually get_ to my feet thinking that there is no point in sitting in front of the fire and weeping for something I have never had and will probably never have and I pace the length of my living room. I like the man, that much is certain, but why was he kissing another woman when he clearly wanted to kiss me? I don't understand. I have never been with anyone, not even Tamlen and I were together in the true sense of the word. We were good friends, but he never made any advances on me, yet I loved him, but then again, I was sixteen at the time and very in love with the idea of love and now Carver... Another image pops into my mind and I can't help smiling, but my heart clenches painfully at the memory of him kissing that woman. I abruptly sit down and bury my head in my hands. I close my eyes and allow my mind to drift to happier days with the Dalish before I became a blood mage, but that isn't even enough to distract me. I stand again and am about to pour myself a glass of water when someone knocks on my door. I open it and my jaw drops. Carver is holding a bouquet of flowers and his expression is sheepish. I am speechless as I step aside to allow him entrance and he hesitantly enters. He walks past me and lays the bouquet of flowers on the table. They are beautiful and they remind me of nature and everything I love about it. There are lilies, cherry blossoms and one lone blue flower.

"Andraste's Grace?" I murmur.

"Yes...My sister's favourite...We had a whole bed of them back in Lothering and in Kirkwall, they are hard to find," he explains.

"So this was your sister's idea?" I ask. I can't hide my annoyance.

"Um...Yes...and no," he replies. He scuffs his boot on my floor.

"Which is it?" I ask.

"Fine...It was Marian's idea. Don't you like them?" he asks, picking up the bouquet.

"No...It's just that it...Never mind," I murmur. I take them from him and I place them in my basin. I stare out of the window. All my confusion is returning.

"Why are you here?" I whisper.

"To apologise for what you saw earlier, although I don't understand why you should be so upset about it. It's not as if we have a thing going," he replies. I take a deep, shaky breath as I turn around.

"There is nothing between us, Carver... That much is clear. If there was something between us, then you would not eagerly kiss another woman who is clearly only after your good looks and goodness knows what else," I murmur.

"Good looks? You...You think I have good looks?" he asks.

"Yes." I sigh.

"But you are not that pleased to see me," he murmurs.

"Do you blame me after your little game this morning? Do you expect me to welcome you with open arms?" I ask even though that is exactly what I want.

"I...I am sorry about that as well... I was just so confused. I am so confused right at this moment... I don't even know what to think... I...I need time," he murmurs.

"Then please go... You have all the time in the world," I murmur as I turn around to once again stare out of my lone window.

"If that is what you really want," he whispers.

"Of course it is what I want, otherwise I wouldn't have said it," I blurt out knowing that is not the case.

"Fine...I will leave you alone... I actually came here to apologise to you, Merrill, but you clearly aren't interested or you don't care," he mutters as he straightens himself. He approaches me and glares down at me and I am so tempted to touch his face and Creators help me...I stand on my tiptoes and I warily touch his cheek and his eyes become a very dark shade of blue and there is an electrical charge between us. He leans into my touch and closes his eyes. I rest my palm flat against his cheek and he exhales slowly.

"Carver," I murmur and he opens his eyes. He reaches for my hand and entwines our fingers. He places them over his heart and his heart is beating rather wildly. I stretch towards him and his expression becomes confused and bewildered. He abruptly pulls away, dropping my hand in the process and he walks away from me and it leaves me feeling bereft. I turn around and stare out of window and into the fast-fading sunlight.

"Please go," I murmur.

"If that is what you want." I nearly jump because I did not realise he was standing so closely behind me. He is radiating so much heat it is enough to warm the water.

"Yes," I murmur even though that is far from the truth, yet he makes no move to leave. He shuffles closer and very gently, he slips his arms around me and buries his nose in my hair.

"You smell so good... Just like those cherry blossoms and lilies and nature," he murmurs. I am too surprised to say anything and I am surprised at how comfortable, how natural it feels having his arms around me. I allow myself to relax slightly into him and he moves his hands to my waist.

"You are so petite," he murmurs.

"I'm an elf, Carver," I murmur.

"I know and you are beautiful," he murmurs.

"I'm not... You said you are a bad person... I am worse, far worse," I murmur.

"I don't think so," he murmurs, abruptly releasing me. I don't turn around because I know he is going to leave and I am right. The door closes behind him and I am on my own again. The loneliness is unbearable. I abandon my thoughts on what to have for supper and I make my way into the bathroom. I quickly wash myself and I think how great it would be to swim in a river or a lake. I wander back into the kitchen and rummage around for a vase. I find one, but it is chipped and I don't care. I fill it with water and I place my flowers in a pretty arrangement and then I set the vase in the middle of my table. I sigh despondently as I set about preparing something to eat, but all I have left are vegetables. I quickly cook them over the fire and I am nearly done when someone knocks on my door. My heart leaps to my stomach and my appetite disappears. I open the door and Carver comes in with a plate of food.

"Compliments of the Hawke Household," he says, smiling as he places it on the table.

"This is not necessary," I murmur, but I am grateful.

"I insist, Merrill. Please eat..." he says.

"Sit with me," I murmur. He grins at me as he seats himself opposite me. He rests his hands on the table and he watches me eat the meal his family has prepared for me. I am touched by their kindness and the urge to cry is overwhelming. I barely manage to wipe away a lone tear when another falls. He leans forward and gently wipes it away. His touch connects with my stomach and I push my plate away. I don't understand this feeling. I grab my glass of water and I drink it slowly while he polishes off the rest of my food. He leans back and sighs in satisfaction.

"My Mother is an excellent cook," he says quietly.

"Tell me about your Mother," I murmur.

"Mmm...She is very kind and compassionate, but she doesn't tolerate any nonsense, especially from me... It is far worse when I have been drinking," he murmurs.

"Why do you drink?" I ask, folding my hands under my chin.

"Because I am a messed up man... I...I...," he trails away.

"Hey, in your own time," I murmur.

"You don't want to know my secrets, Merrill... They will frighten you away," he says quietly.

"What could be worse than blood magic?" I ask.

"Believe me, this is far worse and I am being serious," he replies as he stands. I realise he wants to leave, but I don't want him to go just yet. I stand and I reach for his hand as he walks past me.

"Please stay..." I whisper.

"I...I can't," he murmurs.

"You can't or you won't?" I ask.

"I...I don't know. Half of me would like to stay...The other half would like me to leave before I hurt you," he replies.

"You won't hurt me, Carver... Please stay...Please stay with me," I murmur. I don't want to spend another night on my own, pacing my home.

"But," he murmurs.

"No," I murmur as I press my finger against his lips. He closes his eyes and he lets out a low sigh.

"Fine...I will stay...For few hours," he murmurs as he removes my finger. He grips it gently in his hand and he kisses it. It connects with my deep longing for him and I want contact with him.

"Come to bed," I murmur. His eyes widen in surprise.

"Are...Are you sure?" he asks.

"Yes...Just lie with me," I reply. I reach for his other hand and I lead him into my room. He releases my hands and removes his shirt and my eyes widen in surprise. He is strongly built and his muscles ripple when he moves. I find myself staring and he realises it.

"I am a swordsman, Merrill. I wield a two-handed sword," he explains as he folds his shirt neatly. He places it on the desk that is next to my wardrobe and he approaches me. He holds out his hand and I take it willingly. He leads me to the bed where he sits, taking me with him. He releases my hand and stretches himself out and I follow suit. He shifts slightly to accommodate me. He wraps one arm securely around as he pulls me tightly against his body and the muscles ripple against my back sending a pleasant jolt of electricity throughout my body and he is so warm.

"Try to get some sleep, Merrill...I will stay for a while, I promise," he murmurs.

"Goodnight," I murmur.

"Goodnight," he murmurs.


	3. Healing Carver Chapter 3

**Chapter 03**

_I am too_ hot and I feel weighed down. I reluctantly open my eyes and I move, but a soft rumble stops me. I try to turn, but he has wrapped himself around me like a vine. I smile as I come fully awake. By the light coming from my bedroom window, I realise it is morning. He stayed the whole night and I slept so well. I move again and he moans his protest before opening one sleepy blue eye. I am tempted to kiss him, but I resist and I turn myself onto my back. He opens his other eye and he grins at me.

"Morning," he murmurs.

"Morning," I murmur. I feel shy for no reason at all.

"Sleep well?" he asks.

"Yes and you?" I ask.

"I haven't slept so well since...since... Never mind," he replies, leaning on his elbow.

"You don't want to tell my why?" I ask.

"No...Not today and besides, I need to go home," he replies.

"Okay," I murmur. I look away from him lest he sees my disappointment.

"Merrill, look at me," he says softly. I ignore him and I attempt to get up but he gently grasps my chin. I have no choice but to look at him.

"What?" I mutter.

"Would you like to have breakfast with me at home?" he asks. I stare at him in surprise and I am at a loss for words. He wants me to have breakfast with him... at his home.

"At your home?" I whisper. He nods.

"Please?" He implores and the hope in his eyes is deeply touching, but then an image of Isabela draping herself all over him chooses to intrude.

"What about Isabela?" I murmur. His eyes darken immediately and his impassive expression is back. I swallow hard.

"There is nothing between us, Merrill. And what you saw yesterday was her making a pass at me and me being foolish enough to allow it. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go home," he says as he scrambles over me to grab his shirt...

"I...I am sorry... Please don't be angry with me..." I murmur. I sit up and wrap the sheet around my body. I feel vulnerable and he sighs.

"Merrill, I won't deny it, but I do think you are attractive, but you don't want to become involved with me," he says quietly as he pulls his shirt over his head.

"Who are you to decide what I want, Carver?" I ask as I stand and approach him. I stop in arm's reach of him and the temptation to reach for his hand is overwhelming, but I reach for it anyway. I brace myself to be rebuffed but all he does is entwine our fingers.

"Merrill, I don't want hurt you," he whispers.

"But that is exactly how I felt when I saw you and that woman yesterday. How else do you expect me to react when you clearly wanted more from me yesterday, but you...? I don't understand... I am so confused," I whisper.

"Mmm...Would it surprise you to know that I am just as confused as you are?" he asks.

"You...You are?" I murmur. I look down at our entwined hands and more than anything else, I want him to hold me. I look up and he is watching me closely.

"Yes," he replies.

"Then what is holding you back?" I ask.

"Me," he replies. He releases my hand and sits on the bed. I kneel in front of him and grab his hands. He looks at me and I half-expect him to tell me what is bothering him so much, but instead he plays with my fingers.

"You have such small hands," he murmurs. He looks up and our eyes meet – his blue and my green and it is there again, the electrical charge and his eyes darken considerably. _Just kiss me..._ I want him to kiss me and it appears he is going to, but again, he pulls back. I cannot hide my disappointment. I release his hands and wander into my living room. I fill a glass with water and drink it slowly. I stare out of my window at the people who are slowly emerging to set up their stalls for the day. I don't hear Carver until he wraps his arms around me. I put my glass down and I reach for his hands and splay them. They are large and rough underneath my fingertips.

"Please come home with me," he murmurs against my ear. I turn around in his arms and lean against the counter as I entwine our hands.

"Okay, I will come with you," I murmur and he smiles warmly at me before he enfolds me in his arms and I all but disappear as I press myself into his body. He is so warm...and comforting. He nuzzles my hair before he tightens his arms around me.

"Thank you," he murmurs. He releases me and grabs my hand and we are out of the door before I can blink.

o0o

"_Mother," he calls_ as we enter his home and out of nowhere a huge Mabari hound bounds towards us and nearly sends me flying. Thankfully, Carver has his arm wrapped around my waist. The hound proceeds to sniff me and then he sits, holding out his paw and I frown at Carver.

"Mmm...He wants you to greet him, Merrill. Take his paw. He won't harm you... Mari taught him to do that... I wonder if she is here," he muses. I glance at the hound and I take his paw. He has silver-grey fur and red markings around his equally silver-grey eyes.

"Um...Andaran atish'an," I murmur in my native language. He cocks his head to one side and whines. "Oh...Hello," I quickly correct myself and he barks at me.

"He likes you," Carver murmurs. I am surprised that his arm is still around my waist.

"Well, I hope he isn't the only who likes me," I murmur.

"He isn't," he murmurs and I look up at him and I am struck by how tall he is. I don't think I have ever seen such a tall shemlen before. I am tempted to touch his cheek, but I feel shy, so I glance at the hound that is lying at my feet.

"What is his name and who does he belong to?" I enquire.

"Oh...His name is Mabari and he belongs to my sister. My father gave him to her when she was nineteen. She went through six difficult months without Anders and my parents thought getting her a Mabari hound would help. It did to a certain degree, but I would often find her in the fields near our home, holding herself and weeping," he explains.

"Really" I am surprised because she appears to a strong person.

"She lost so much weight, Merrill, that her spine was showing. She hardly slept. She...She even thought about turning to...turning to...No, I shouldn't be the one to tell you. She is a very private person and she is very involved with...Anders," he murmurs. I glance at him and he is scowling and he appears angry and annoyed.

"Why do you disapprove?" I ask.

"I...It doesn't matter...," he replies.

"Don't lie to me, Carver. It matters to you...," I point out and he actually smiles at me.

"Please don't fret about it..." he reassures me with a gentle squeeze on my hip and that finds its way to my deep longing for the man standing beside me.

"I will try not to," I whisper. He leads me to a chair and he disappears into what I assume to be the kitchen from the pleasant aroma permeating the house. I take in the sparse surroundings and the threadbare curtains that are torn in some places. At least it is warm because of the bright fire that makes the room cosy. There is a wooden table in one corner with two chairs and in the corner I notice a staff. _It must belong to Marian..._ I stand and wander to the window that overlooks the Old City Slums. This house has more windows than mine. There is one by the door and another one that I am currently looking out of. The people here are as poor as my people in the Alienage and for the first time since I arrived in this city, I don't feel so alone.

"Here she is... Merrill," Carver says and my heart skips a beat and I smile as I turn around. A woman is standing next to him and I assume it is his Mother. She has grey hair and grey eyes and she smiles at me. He beckons me over and takes my hand.

"Mother, I would like you to meet Merrill... She recently left the Dalish Camp in Sundermount. She lives in the Alienage," he says quietly. She gives him a quizzical look and he shrugs his shoulders before she takes my hand.

"I am Leandra, Carver and Marian's mother... I am pleased to meet you...," she says kindly.

"Hello..." I murmur shyly.

"Carver tells me you are here to have breakfast with us?" she enquires, dropping my hand.

"Yes...He asked me to come and Leandra, thank you for the meal last night, I really appreciate although Carver thoroughly enjoyed finishing it for me," I murmur.

"It's a pleasure... You make yourself at home while I finish with breakfast. I am sure Marian and Anders will be out shortly...," she says.

"Oh...Are they here?" I can't hide my excitement.

"Yes, they decided to stay the night because it was too late for them to return to his clinic...," she replies.

"Oh," I murmur. I suddenly feel shy and I glance at Carver who is smiling at me.

"Please sit with me," he murmurs. He leads me to a chair for two and he sits, taking me with him and I instinctively snuggle into him. He chuckles as he slips his arm around my shoulder.

"You...You don't mind?" I murmur as I try moving away from him, but he reaches for my hand.

"No...I don't mind..." he murmurs and I relax into him.

"Would you like some tea, Merrill," Leandra asks.

"Yes...Yes please," I reply.

"Make that two, Mother," Carver says and she shakes her head.

"Very well...Make yourself comfortable and once breakfast is ready, I will call you," she says.

"Okay," he murmurs. He stares down at our linked hands and he slowly rubs his thumb along my knuckles sending delicious tingles to my stomach and it tightens but in a pleasant way.

"So what did you and Marian do your first year in Kirkwall?" I ask, suddenly remembering what she told me yesterday.

"Oh...We worked for the _Red Iron Mercenaries_... We had to bribe our way to gain entrance to the city... We were with the mercenaries for about ten months when my sister decided she had enough. She walked out after a fallout with their leader," he explains.

"What happened?" I ask.

"She wanted to be paid more, but he refused, so she walked out. I stayed on for another month and then I found it wasn't to my liking anymore," he replies.

"What did you have to do?" I ask.

"What do you think?" he asks. I shrug my shoulders.

"We had to kill for coin, Merrill. My sister never liked it, but it did bring in the sovereigns and now we are struggling to make ends meet..." he replies.

"You had to kill for coin?" I whisper. I can't believe it.

"We had to make sovereigns, Merrill. It was the only way, but can we speak of other things?" he says softly.

"She mentioned something about an expedition," I murmur.

"Yes. We need to find fifty sovereigns to get a place on the expedition. Varric's brother is in charge of everything though," he explains.

"And will you be going with Marian?" I ask.

"I don't know. She hasn't decided yet, although Anders is already a must... To be honest, I don't think she wants me to go, but we will see," he replies.

"When is the expedition?" I enquire.

"Not for a few months at least," he replies.

"Thank the Creators," I murmur. I don't like the thought of him going on that expedition. It sounds dangerous, but that is pushed aside when he suddenly cups my face with one hand. The electrical charge is there and I find myself leaning towards him. I want him to kiss me, but I don't know if he will. I stop breathing altogether. He is inches from my lips. I can feel his gentle breath on my nose.

"Maker, you are so beautiful," he whispers. He is so close to me and my heart is beating wildly. I close my eyes...

"Carver?" Marian asks. We pull apart and I move as far away from him as I can. I cannot look her in the eye.

"Perfect timing, Sis. Thanks for that," he mutters.

"What?" she asks and I force myself to look at her and she looks angry and upset. I glance from one to the other and suddenly the air is crackling with tension.

"You heard me, Marian," he replies. I stand. I am intruding and I shouldn't be here. There is obviously something going on between the Hawke siblings and for the life of me, I don't know what it is. She is giving him that same look her gives to her every time she and Anders kiss or embrace each other and it is a look of jealous possessiveness.

"I'm going home," I announce as I place my hand over the doorknob. He is up and striding towards me. He grabs my hand.

"No...Please stay with me," he murmurs. He has that look of vulnerability again and it tugs at my heart.

"There is something between you and Marian...I shouldn't be here..." I murmur. He sighs and lifts his hand and skims his forefinger along my jawline.

"I...I don't want you to go...Please stay?" he implores.

"But," I murmur.

"What must I do to convince you to stay?" he murmurs.

"You don't need to do anything...I will stay," I reply.

"Oh, thank the Maker," he murmurs, relief evident in his voice and on his face.

"Leaving so soon, Merrill?" Leandra asks. He grabs my hand and leads me into the kitchen. Anders and Marian are already eating and he can't hide his surprise when he sees me.

"Good morning, Merrill... What are you doing here?" he asks.

"Oh...Carver asked me," I reply.

"That is after spending the night with her," Marian says softly.

"We didn't do anything," I reply quickly.

"Sis, please?" Carver asks as he sits down taking me with him.

"Do as you please, Carver. Just...Just don't hurt her otherwise you will have to deal with me," she says.

"Love, enough... Leave them alone and besides I thought you had resolved certain...issues," Anders says.

"Oh love, I love you and only you," she says quietly.

"Mmm...That's my girl... Now eat up. We have to be at my Clinic soon," he says.

"Of course," she says. I stare at the huge plate of food in front of me. It looks delicious. I grab my fork and eagerly dig in. The eggs taste wonderful and the meat is unlike anything I have ever tasted. Leandra comes around and serves tea for all us and I find myself relaxing as the conversation runs smoothly with Carver giving me that look occasionally. His hand is on my thigh and I rest my hand on top of his. He smiles at me as we entwine fingers. Leandra finally sits down and she folds her hands on the table in front of her.

"Marian, Carver, now that I have the two of you here, I have something to ask..." she says.

"Yes," Marian encourages.

"I have a key that opens the Amell cellar and I would like you and your brother to retrieve the will my father left for me. Can you do this for me?" she asks.

"But Carver said the estate is home to slavers," she says.

"He is right, but I need that will, Mari... We are nobility and that estate in Hightown is rightfully mine," she says.

"Not this...Again," Carver says in exasperation.

"Mari, it will mean the world to me if you retrieve if... I want to see for myself if your uncle is speaking the truth. I cannot believe he sold the estate to pay off his debt. He had no right," she says.

"Does it mean so much to you to reclaim what is yours?" Carver asks.

"Carver, if you find the will, I will be able to petition the Viscount for the estate...," she replies.

"Fine...Whatever...," he mutters.

"Of course we will help you, Mother. This is no place for us and you deserve so much more than this," Marian says.

"So you will break into the cellar and retrieve the will?" she asks.

"Of course we will," she replies. She takes the key from her mother and puts into a pocket. Carver has finished eating. He pushes his plate aside and leans back into his chair and he looks at me.

"Um...Would you like to go for a walk with me, Merrill?" he asks.

"Um...To where?" I enquire.

"I would like to show you more of the city, but if you would rather not, we can always go to the tavern," he says.

"No...A walk sounds good to me," I murmur. He grins at me as he reaches for my hand and he rubs my knuckles.

"Finish your breakfast and tea, Merrill," he says. I break eye contact with him and eat the rest of my meal in silence. I grab my cup and have a sip of tea. It is delicious.

"Carver, any more thoughts about going to Aveline for more work?" Marian asks.

"We should go and see her, Mari... The more sovereigns we make, the better and Varric mentioned the other day something about meeting someone at the tavern next week...," he replies.

"He mentioned that and from what he has told me thus far, it sounds like another waste of time. Very much similar to the time wasted assisting Fenris," she says.

"Mari, at least he paid well," he says and she glares at him. "Fine...Let's drop it," he murmurs.

"Perhaps we will be fortunate enough to find sovereigns in the cellar," she muses.

"Perhaps and we should investigate quite soon Mari, but I am taking Merrill for a walk first... Are you ready?" he asks as I set my cup on the table. I nod. He stands and pulls me to my feet and I stumble. He quickly steadies me and again, the electrical charge is there.

"Be careful," he murmurs, releasing me except for my hand that he holds tightly in his.

"Thank you for breakfast," I murmur.

"You are welcome here any time, Merrill and it has been a pleasure meeting you,'" Leandra says kindly.

"You are too kind, Leandra...and thank you again," I murmur.

"Carver, look after her," Leandra says and he rolls his eyes in exasperation.

"I intend doing the exactly, Mother. I will see you later. If I am not home by five this evening than you can assume that I am with Merrill," he says quietly. I glance at him and his expression is so sincere. He realises I am watching him. He smiles at me and it reaches his eyes. He is so handsome and his eyes are something else entirely. Again, I feel that charge and again I have an overwhelming urge to reach up and kiss him. I blush at the way my thoughts are going, yet I cannot break his intense gaze. He leans closer, but then he obviously realises we are not alone and he breaks eye contact with me. I quickly lower my eyes and stare at the wooden floor. Again I am feeling bereft and my longing worsens.

"Let's go, Merrill," he murmurs. I don't look up until I hear the front door close behind us. I still don't look up as he leads me down the stairs.

"Carver," I murmur. He turns around and tilts my face upwards and his hand is so warm against my cheek. I reach for his hand and out of nowhere, I feel extremely courageous. I kiss his hand and he rumbles low in his throat and the sound resonates in the pit of my stomach and it clenches.

"Creators," I blurt out. It is too much. I need him to kiss me, but he refuses. I quickly drop his hand and I am about to walk away from him, when he grabs my hand.

"No...Please...When I am ready, I will, I promise... Please understand. This is very new to me. I have never felt like this about anyone, not even my..." he trails away. I am beginning to think that there is more to Carver than he is willing to let on.

"What?" I snap and that appears to shake him out of whatever it is he is experiencing.

"I know...It would be easier if I told you, but I can't," he murmurs.

"Told me what?" I cannot hide my exasperation and I look down at my twisted hands. I want to cry... He wants to kiss me that much is obvious, but then again, we don't know much about each other. I look at him and he has that vulnerable look again, but this time there is conflict in his blue eyes.

"Listen...Why don't we spend time getting to know each other first?" I ask. His expression becomes hopeful. "We can work on trusting each other first and then perhaps you will be able to open up about whatever is bothering you," I continue.

"But," he says. I reach up and press my forefinger against his lips.

"No _buts_, Carve," I murmur and he grins at me.

"_Carve_? No one has ever called me that before," he murmurs and I can't prevent my stupid grin.

"You like it?" I ask.

"I like the way you say it... It makes me...happy," he murmurs.

"Carve..." I murmur and his face lights up with delight and he reminds me of a young boy but then again he is the same age as me.

"So, you want to take...things slow?" he asks, slipping his arm around my waist and steering me past the tavern.

"Yes...Why?" I ask.

"It's new for me, Merrill... I don't take things slowly. I jump in and only think of the consequence later," he replies. I lapse into a thoughtful silence. I am unsure as to what to say to him.

"Carve this is very new to me as well. I have never been with anyone before," I explain and he stops mid stride. He whirls me around and places his hands on my hips.

"Never?" he asks. I see surprise and delight in his eyes and I look away, feeling shy all of a sudden.

"I had a very good friend when I was sixteen – Tamlen – he died, but we were nothing more than friends despite the way I felt about him," I murmur.

"What...What happened to him?" he asks, slipping his arm around my waist again and we continue on our way down the stairs and into the Lowtown Bazaar. I stop and stare. There are so many shemlen and elves wandering about.

"Are you okay?" he murmurs.

"There are so many people... It's...overwhelming," I reply and I instinctively press myself against his side. He chuckles as he moves his arm and places it around my shoulder.

"I will keep you safe...Let's say it is the first step of earning my trust," he murmurs.

"So you want to take it slow?" I ask hopefully.

"Yes...I do...I don't want to rush things with you... There is something about you, Merrill," he replies.

"You have said that before, so it must be true," I whisper and more than anything I want to slip my arms around his waist. I settle for slipping one arm around his waist while I grab his free hand. He smiles down at me and kisses my hair.

"Maker, you smell so good," he whispers.

"Thank you," I murmur shyly. We ascend the stairs in companionable silence and we wander into another place. I raise an eyebrow questionably at Carver.

"Oh...This is the _Hightown Market_. In fact the whole of Hightown is built from sturdy rock and it was designed by the dwarves of old. The market is the best in Kirkwall, but it is expensive. Mari has browsed the stalls numerous times but she always come away empty-handed because we don't have enough sovereigns. We have enough to put food on the table and the meal you had last night and this morning was only possible because she gave my Mother sovereigns from our savings to buy food," he explains.

"Then you really shouldn't have brought me that food last night," I murmur. I feel awful that they had used what little sovereigns they had to feed me.

"Merrill, I saw what little food you had in your living room and I reckoned that you probably hadn't eaten a decent meal since you left the Dalish. Do you honestly think a few potatoes and vegetables are good enough?" he asks.

"I don't have much coin, Carver. We hunt for our food and I can't exactly do any hunting in the city, now can I?" I explain.

"But you...No...I don't want you to starve yourself, Merrill besides I wanted to see you so that was my excuse," he says, smiling warmly at me and I find I can't hide my surprise.

"You wanted to see me?"

"Of course I did...Like I said this is all very new to me and I am trying to understand my feelings for you. I need to work through them," he murmurs. _Feelings for me? _I want to dance for joy, but I refrain. I don't want to make a fool of myself in front of this handsome man who makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I stare in wonder as we pass a clothing stall. The clothes are beautiful. We Dalish make our own clothes, but to step into one of these outfits would be quite an experience. An olive green outfit catches my eye and I am drawn to it. I pull away from him and I walk closer. The outfit has a leaf pattern on it that reminds me of home and I feel sad and lonely.

"Mmm...That is a dress, Merrill and I think you would look beautiful wearing it," Carver murmurs.

"A shemlen dress?" I ask, realising that even if I had the sovereigns; I wouldn't purchase it because it is far too big for me. I turn away and wander over to a jewellery store, but nothing piques my interest. I turn away and Carver is striding towards me, smiling. He grabs my hand. "Merrill, my Mother's estate is not far from here."

He is so excited, he literally runs up the stairs, giving me no chance to look at my surroundings. Hightown is beautiful with its grey and white infrastructure and I glimpse the sea sparkling in the midmorning sunlight. I stop and he jerks backwards and whirls around.

"Merri?" he murmurs.

"Merri?"I murmur.

"What?" he asks.

"You just called me _Merri_," I reply. He straightens himself and smiles almost shyly at me and I find it extremely endearing.

"Did I? You...You don't mind? I mean it slipped out. I was thinking _why Merri has stopped_... it slipped out," he hastily explains before he lowers his eyes.

"Hey," I murmur as I reach out and run my thumb along his strong jawline.

"I don't mind."

"You...You don't?" he asks.

"No, of course I don't mind...And to answer what you were thinking, I stopped because I caught a glimpse of the sea and I wanted a closer look," I explain and to mu surprise, his face lights up.

"I know the perfect spot... Come with me," he murmurs. He entwines our fingers and we wander back into the market, and he takes me to a corner.

"Have a look," he murmurs, pointing his finger in the direction of the sea. I follow his gaze and in the distance, I see the sea. The sun is glinting off the water that is calm and it is beautiful. He slips his arms around me and pulls me into his huge bulk of a frame and he nuzzles my hair. I look up at him and his eyes are the same blue as the sea.

"That is the _Waking Sea_ at its calmest. Most of the time it is stormy and grey. You see those dark clouds in the distance? It means we are in for another storm. You don't want to be wandering the streets when it eventually hits," he explains.

"And why would I wander the streets in miserable weather anyway, although we had little choice in Sundermount. All we have for protection are our Aravels," I murmur.

"Those wooden things that look like...ships?" he asks. I nod.

"I was fascinated by them, Merri... Are they warm and comfortable?"

"Yes...Perhaps I will show you one someday," I murmur, knowing that the possibility of that happening is second to none and I lapse into thoughtful silence that is soon broken by him.

"Why did you leave the Dalish?"

"Because," I murmur, turning around to face him. I lean against the wall and reach for his hands. "I wanted to repair the mirror that killed Tamlen and the only way I could do that was by summoning a demon. He promised he would give me the tools necessary to repair it."

"But why? I know people such as yourself use Lyrium to augment your gift..."

"I had no Lyrium, Carver. Doing what I did was the only choice I had and now my people hate me. They blame me for losing our Halla and bringing bad luck into our clan."

"I don't think the Keeper hates you. She was most concerned when she asked us if we would take you away from the clan," he murmurs.

"I know she cares for me... I was raised by her. I was raised to her _First_. That means that I would have taken her place as Keeper when she passed onto the _Beyond_..."

"The _Beyond_?"

"Your people know it as the _Fade_. The realm of dreams and spirits both benign and malignant," I explain.

"I still don't understand what this has to do with a mirror," he murmurs.

"You won't understand... To put it plainly, I used my...gift to try and cleanse the mirror...It didn't work," I explain.

"Since when does...your gift cleanse anything? I've heard stories of mages who use that kind of power and none of them end well," he says as we wander back through the market.

"I don't use it unless I have to, Carver...Please try to understand. If I had what I needed, I would never have considered summoning...that." I find I can't look at him and I release his hand.

"Merri?" he murmurs as he reaches for my hand. I want to pull away, but I can't. He is too warm, too comforting and to my chagrin, a lone tear slides down my cheek and I want to be in his arms.

"Oh Merri," he murmurs as he enfolds me in his arms. "I don't think making a decision like that is easy..."

"It wasn't and because of it, I am so alone. My people don't want to see me again and I am in a strange city surrounded by strange people," I murmur.

"Hey, you've got me...Mari and Anders...I can keep you safe, but I want to tell you something..." he says.

"What do you want to tell me?" I murmur hopefully. Perhaps he is going to open up a little bit.

"Promise me you won't think badly of me," he says.

"Why would I think badly of you?" I ask.

"I don't know, but trust me a little bit," he murmurs. I gaze into his sincere blue eyes and my heart swells with...something. I am not too sure what...

"Okay," I murmur. He wraps his arm around me and we wander through an area where there are many dwarves.

"This is the _Dwarven Quarter_ and headquarters of the _Dwarven Merchant's Guild_. It is here where my sister and I met Varric after our unsuccessful meeting with Bartrand. He...Varric, told us if we wanted in on the expedition we would need to invest fifty sovereigns..." he says.

"Wait...You wanted to tell me something, Carver. What was it?"

"Oh...I resented my sisters and father for being mages. It angered me because he spent so much time with them and when Anders moved in with us, I was well and truly put out. I was twelve at the time and a very resentful and angry pre-teen. The only person who really understood me was my twin sister, Bethany...Oh Bethy...Maker, I miss her..."

I glance at him and there is a faraway expression in his eyes and there is something else...I am not too sure what it is and I don't want to ask him just in case it is something I don't want to hear.

"You resent mages?" I ask.

"I _resented_ them, yes, but not anymore. I have accepted that it is not a choice. They cannot help what they are and who am I to charge anyway?"

"So you don't resent _mages_ anymore?"

"No, I don't. I...I fear them to a certain extent because I know that many of them would turn to the forbidden school if given the chance..." He laughs.

"I am contradicting myself, aren't I?"

"Just a little bit," I reply and he chuckles.

"Well so much for not being judgmental because that is exactly what I have done...You...You aren't angry or upset with me?"

"No...And please relax. You are making my head spin," I murmur.

"Oh...I beg your pardon," he says in mock surrender and I swat him on the arm and he yelps.

"That was not so hard, Carver... Don't act," I admonish.

"Oh my poor wounded heart," he teases.

"Carver!" I murmur as I straighten myself and for the first time since I met him, I wish I was a bit taller.

"Yes, Merri?" he says as he rests his hands on my hips. He bends his knees and I realise what he is going to do.

"No...Don't you dare," I murmur.

He grins at me. "Don't do what?" He lifts me and he swings me around and I squeal like a child.

"Carver Hawke!" I yell. Everyone is staring at us and I feel self conscious. He grins at me and he does it again before he sets me back on my feet. I grasp his upper arm in an effort to keep my emotions under control and to regain control of my breathing and to keep my balance because I am unsteady on my feet. I place my free hand on his other arm and I look at him. His expression is happy and carefree and I realise it is all because of me. This man really does care for me and I can't help but blush at my thoughts. He touches my cheek and smiles warmly at me and then he laughs – joyful laughter that I feel deep in the pit of my stomach.

"What is so funny?" I ask, releasing his arms. I can stand on my own two feet.

"Sweet Maker, I really enjoyed that... I like you, Merrill," he murmurs. I flush at his words and I hastily lower my eyes to our entwined hands.

"Hey," he murmurs and I am forced to meet his eyes knowing full well what he will see on my face and in my eyes. He releases my hands and pulls me into the circle of his arms. He kisses my forehead before he embraces me.

"I do like you and I want to get to know you... I know I have secrets...Secrets I don't want to share just yet, but if you give me the chance," he whispers.

"We can see how it goes and take it from there," I murmur.

"You mean that?" he murmurs.

"With my heart," I murmur.

"Oh Merri...I can't begin to express how much that means to me...," he says, pulling away from me and we link hands. We wander into a rectangular area and there is a beautiful stone enclosure with shrubs and flowers. I release his hand and wander over to the enclosure and I sniff the flowers. There are white and pink lilies and lavender. I smile in appreciation because I love anything to do with nature. This time I do a little dance. I twirl around the enclosure while Carver looks on in mild amusement. There are others walking through. They notice me and they probably think I am strange and what is more is that I am elf in a city crawling with shemlens, dwarves and elves. I catch his eye and I join him.

"You are quite graceful," he compliments me and I blush.

"Thank you...What is this place?" I ask. For the first time I notice stairs leading up to somewhere and two archways leading to another section of Hightown.

"We are currently in _Viscount's Square_. The stairs lead up to _The Viscount's Way_ and _The Keep_. Aveline stays at the barracks with the City Guardsmen and beyond that archway, is the _Chantry_ and _Hightown Estates –_ the elite nobles reside in those estates and over there," he says, turning around and point to another area.

"That is called _The Red Lantern District_ and it is home to _The Blooming Rose_," he continues.

"_The Blooming Rose?_" I murmur.

"You don't want to venture there, Merrill. It is not a fitting place for someone as beautiful as you," he replies and I blush...again. He just called me beautiful and this time I really don't know where to look except at him.

"Are you flattering me?" I murmur.

"Yes...I think I am," he replies.

"I think you are handsome," I murmur. My ears turn red and for once I wish they were normal like the shemlens. _It would surely be better than my pointy ears?_

"I know I am," he murmurs and my jaw drops.

"That sounds really arrogant, Carver," I murmur.

"Hey, I was only teasing... Thank you..." he says quickly and to my surprise he is blushing and I laugh. I really laugh at him. He looks surprised and bewildered but then he is delighted. He grabs me around my waist, he lifts me and swings me around and again, I squeal like a young girl.

"Carver, enough," I say breathlessly as he sets me gently on my feet.

"Come on," he murmurs, turning away from me and I follow him. He stops in front of a door and he sighs.

"This was my Mother's childhood home. My uncle sold it to rid himself of his debt shortly after my grandparents died. They disowned my Mother for eloping with a mage. My father was an apostate, Merrill... An apostate just like you, Marian and Anders. He took my Mother and fled Kirkwall. He took her back to Ferelden and they set up home or tried to, but they were on the run for six years with their first child – Marian. She was six when they finally settled in Lothering. Beth and I were born a year later..."

"So they disowned their daughter because she eloped with a mage?" I ask.

"Yes," he replies.

"But it not our fault we are what we are, Carver," I whisper.

"Try telling that to most people, Merrill, and you sound just like Mari and Anders... Unlike most apostates who hide in the city, they are not ashamed of their gift. In fact, Anders is an excellent healer and most people go to him for assistance and Mari – she is a healer as well but she is not as proficient as Anders. She spends most days assisting him at his Clinic. I should take you there sometime, so that you know where it is just in case you are become ill or injured," he says. I gape at him. The concern is evident on his face.

"Oh Carver, your concern is...touching," I whisper.

"That is because I like you, now why don't we go to the _Hanged Man_ for a couple of hours?" he suggests.

"What if that woman is there?" I murmur.

"Isabela? I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. We are over and we have been for a couple of months. If she tries anything, she will regret it," he reassures me. I want to believe him, but I can't. He has to prove to me that it is over between them before I become too emotionally attached to him.


	4. Healing Carver Chapter 4

**Chapter 04**

_I hold tightly_ to his hand as we enter the tavern and I hastily look around for her and she is sitting at Varric's table draping her arms all over an elf covered in white markings. I recognise the elf as Fenris and I realise that the white markings are Lyrium. Marian's advice comes back and I realise I am staring. I cannot help it. He has white hair, bushy black eyebrows and his skin complexion is almost grey in colour and he is covered in white Lyrium markings. I glance at Carver, but he seems oblivious because his eyes are fixated on me.

"We can join them or we can sit at that quiet table in the corner," he murmurs. His voice is low and it sends shivers down my spine.

"I think I would rather sit at the table you mentioned," I murmur.

"Excellent..." he says. He leads me further into the tavern and he steers clear of Varric's table, but alas he waves at us. Carver groans.

"Shit," he murmurs.

"I suppose we should greet them," I suggest.

"We don't have a chance now do we?" he asks. He scowls as we wander to their table. He is annoyed and I am secretly pleased because the fact that he is annoyed means something.

"Hello everyone," he says quietly, barely keeping the ice out of his voice.

"Hello Carver...and Merrill," Varric greets us. He smiles at us. I realise we are still holding hands and try as I might, he won't let me go, so I give up. I decide to slip my free arm around his waist and I lean into him while I gauge Isabela's reaction. Her expression is unreadable and I do a little inward dance about that.

"Merrill, how are you?" she greets me without any animosity and she actually smiles at me.

"Good and yourself?" I reply.

"Could be better but that will soon be rectified once I have had something to drink," she replies. I notice Fenris looking at me. He has brilliant green eyes, but they are hard and cold. I shiver involuntarily and Carver tightens his arm around me.

"Who is she, Isabela?" he hisses.

"Oh...That is Merrill from Sundermount. She arrived here about a week ago..." she replies.

"A Dalish elf? Why would you leave your clan?" he enquires. I shift restlessly next to Carver and he looks at me.

"That has nothing to do with you, Fenris," he replies.

"Is she a mage?" he asks and I wonder how he knows that.

"What is it to you? We all know how you feel about mages, don't we?" Carver asks. Fenris' eyes harden even further and a look of pure loathing fleets across his face.

"A mage did this to me, you fool," he hisses.

"And you think they are all the same, don't you?" he asks.

"They are the same. They are dangerous and should be locked up in the Gallows where they belong," he replies.

"That's funny coming from you...You were a slave once... You should be more understanding," he says.

"Should I, now?" he says as he stands. Carver releases me and pushes me behind him. I grab his shirt while both men stare at each, daring the other to make a move, but I don't want him to fight. I do the only thing I can think of...I slip both my arms around his waist and lean into him. I feel him take a deep breath. His back is rippling with tension.

"Carver, relax," I murmur and to my surprise, he relaxes. He loses his defensive stance and he turns around.

"Let's go, Merrill, before I do more that what just occurred," he murmurs. He grabs my hand and leads me to the table he pointed out earlier. He pulls a chair out for me and I sit. He brings his chair around and sits next to me. He immediately reaches for my hand and entwines our fingers. I warily look at him and he is still angry and I don't know what to do comfort him. It is that or I am too shy to make any move. Instead, I rub my thumb along his knuckles and he lets out a low sigh. I chance looking at him and his eyes are half-closed and there is a ghost of a smile on his full lips that I desperately want to kiss. He is actually enjoying himself and his expression relaxes completely.

"Feel better?" I murmur and he grins at me.

"I do...Thank you...I mean it, but he really infuriates me. All he does is go on and on about his situation. You think I was bad? You should see my sister... She sometimes gets so angry that her energy seeps from her fingertips in white wisps and you don't want to be near her... She unleashes a mean bolt of energy," he says as he rubs his chest apparently lost in some memory and I realise what he means.

"She has used it on you?" I ask.

"Once...But it was well-deserved," he replies.

"What happened?" I ask.

"Mmm...I...I don't want to talk about it, Merrill. Let me just say it was unpleasant and I don't want to experience it again. She is extremely strong...Maker knows where she finds her strength," he replies and I know the subject is closed for now. Instead, I study his profile. He is deep in thought about something and I have no wish to disturb him so I look at our entwined fingers. I gently touch each finger and he shivers each time and I can't stop smiling. The effect I have on him is quite something and my stomach clenches at the thought that he finds me attractive. I raise my eyes in the hopes that I can study him without him realising it, but he is studying me with a look of deep concentration in his blue eyes that have darkened considerably and suddenly it is there, that electrical charge and I find myself leaning towards him. His eyes widen and he takes a deep, shuddering breath and I smile at him. I can't help it. Obviously I affect him, thinking about my earlier thoughts. He slides his hand along my side and curls it around my neck. I rest my hands on his chest as the distance between us lessens. He pauses mere inches from my lips. He gently massages the soft skin at the nape of neck, sending delicious tingles down my spine.

"Carver," I murmur. I am surprised at how low my voice is and his reaction is something else. His eyes widen further and he parts his lips...A little more, I silently plead as I stare into his eyes that have darkened considerably. He is so close to me that I feel his gentle breath and it only excites me. I move my hands along his chest, over his broad shoulders and I curl them around his neck where I gently massage the soft skin there and he shivers.

"Merri," he murmurs and as he is about to kiss me, a shadow looms over us.

"We should have a threesome...Sweet Maker, Carver, you really want her," Isabela says and under my hands he stiffens. He brushes me aside and stands.

"What the hell do you want, Isabela? I told you, we are over and I don't want anything more to do with you," he says in a dangerously low tone. She steps back in apparent surprise.

"What do you think I want and I think now is the perfect opportunity to show her..." she replies.

"Show her what, exactly? I think not, Isabela... Why don't you seduce Fenris? He can't seem to take his eyes off you," he mutters.

"You know exactly what I mean. You were only too eager to have me or have you conveniently forgotten that?" she asks.

"That was weeks ago, Isabela and let me remind you of a little something," he says slowly. I glance anxiously at him and I want to reach out and comfort him and I reach for his hand and he gently curls it around my hand.

"We were..._rutting_, if I remember correctly. Well, that is what you told me when I asked you if you wanted more. You told me we were rutting and that is exactly what we did, Isabela. We are over, so if you will excuse me, I would like to take Merrill home seeing that you have successfully made it extremely uncomfortable for her to be here. I wanted a quiet afternoon with her and you have spoilt it...Now run along and rut with Fenris. I am sure he will be more than willing," he mutters. She doesn't know where to look and she glances at me. I feel anxious and I tighten my small hand around Carver's.

"What's changed, Carver?" she asks.

"What?" he asks, her question throwing him off guard.

"You heard me...What's changed?" she asks.

"Perhaps, I have grown up, Isabela unlike you... Now if you will excuse us," he says as he attempts to walk past her, but she stands her ground.

"Wait...Do you...Carver? Really?" she asks and she can't hide her amused smile.

"What is to you, Isabela?" he murmurs.

"I'm just interested. I don't think I have ever seen you so...I don't know...Happy? At peace, maybe?" she murmurs,

"Perhaps I am, but...Isabela, don't spoil this for me...For Merrill... It is all very new and I would appreciate some sensitivity from you... Or are you jealous? Because if you are, I am going to tease you senseless about it," he says.

"Me? Jealous? Of course not... I just thought...Oh balls. Never mind...I clearly... No, I wasn't thinking clearly. Damn that dwarven ale. It loosens my tongue." She shakes her head in wry amusement and just like that, the tension ebbs and he is able to relax. "Things looked pretty intense there for a minute... I am really sorry for being such a tart, Carver... I hadn't realised...Sweet Maker... I never thought I would see the day..." She wanders back to her table, shaking her head. I chance a glance at him. He catches my eye and abruptly sits down, taking me with him and I find myself sitting on his lap.

"She is not a bad person, Merrill. She has a wicked sense of humour and she gives us a run for our sovereigns every time we play _Wicked Grace_. I personally think she cheats, but she is a lot of fun," he explains.

"She mentioned _rutting_...What does that mean?" I ask and he sobers immediately.

"Have you never...?" he trails away.

"Never what?" I ask.

"Oh...I don't know if I am the right person to explain it to you. Perhaps you should ask Mari...," he says.

"Why can't you tell me?" I ask and I suddenly remember him taking my hand and moving it along his... I lower my eyes and I want to curse myself for my lack of experience and plain naivety. I suddenly understand what rutting means, but it sounds so primal. I lean back and study him thoughtfully. I recall his naked chest from last night and I wonder what it would feel like having that pressed tightly against my naked skin and I blush... I look away from him and I try and ignore that longing deep in my stomach that has chosen now to remind how much I want him in that way... I slither rather gracefully off his lap and I sit next to him. I lean on the table and bury my head in my hands. I recall Marethari explaining what a couple does together to show their...love... _Is this love I feel for him?_ I shake my head because I feel so confused. She told me that a couple who loves each other will eventually engage in the act to express their love for their spouse or partner. _Is that what Marian was implying the other day when she told Anders that he could vent...later?_ Is this what rutting is because it sounds meaningless and I don't want to engage in something that is meaningless.

"Hey," he calls and I nearly jump out of my seat. I had forgotten where I was and I find that I cannot look at him and more than anything I want to go home and sort through my confusing feelings for him. I make a move to stand, but he grabs my hand.

"Please don't go," he whispers.

"I...I need time to think, Carver," I murmur.

"Why?" he asks.

"Because I am so confused right now..." I reply and he actually smiles at me. I should be annoyed with him, but I can't help returning his smile.

"Please stay, Merri?" he implores. He stands up and grabs my other hand. I gaze at him and his eyes are dark and full of...longing and it causes my stomach to clench in a pleasant way. He doesn't wait for me to say anything because he pulls me into the middle of the tavern and for the first time since we arrived, I hear music playing and it makes me want to dance. Sometimes we would take out our instruments and spend an evening of song and dance around Hahren Paivel's fire. I played several instruments, but the lute was my absolute favourite and with a sinking feeling, I realise I left in Keeper Marethari's aravel, but his warm hand on my waist drives the thought to the back of my mind and I look up and into his face.

"Do you even know how to dance?" I ask, a smile playing around my lips.

"Well, my Mother and Father taught us how to dance when we were younger... I am not that good, but you should see Mari and Anders – they dance beautifully," he replies. He clasps my right hand in his and he slowly moves backwards and soon I am lost in our dance and the beautiful music that is permeating the tavern. I laugh as he twirls me and he pulls me back into his arms. He moves well for a big man and he is so graceful. I look up into his animated expression and there is a look of pure enjoyment on his face and I giggle.

"What?" he murmurs as he pulls me flush against his body.

"You dance extremely well," I reply.

"You think?" he asks and he can't hide his pleasure at my compliment.

"I do," I reply.

"Mari and Anders are far better at this then I am," he murmurs.

"Well, I think you are dance well...for a shemlen," I murmur and he laughs into my hair.

"You are too kind, you know that?" he murmurs. I realise we are no longer moving. We are swaying to the music.

"You are too kind yourself," I murmur.

"Mmm...Not really... I am just trying to find my way," he murmurs. We stop moving altogether and everything fades around us. It is just Carver and I enjoying the simple pleasure of being in each other's company, but I can't help but wonder what he is hiding from me. With a start, I realise he has curled his hands around my buttocks and he is gently pressing me into him. I am all too aware of his erection digging into my stomach and my longing unfurls deep within me and I remember what he asked me.

"Carver, to answer your earlier question," I murmur. He pulls back, but he doesn't remove his hands from me.

"Yes?" he prompts.

"I have never been with a man before... I hope that answers your question," I murmur. He wraps his arms around me and nuzzles my neck.

"Yes...Yes it does," he replies.

"So what does it mean?" I ask.

"All in good time, Merri... You told me you want to take things slowly and I intend doing that exactly. We need to be ready for what it is going to mean. You need time and I need time, but I want to spend as much time with you getting to know you and everything. I want to do this the right way, Merri..." he replies.

"Mmm...Okay...," I murmur.

"Is that all you have to say?" he murmurs.

"For the moment, yes," I reply.

"Mmm... Would you like to have another dance?" he murmurs. I suddenly remember where we are and I realise the music has changed. It is more upbeat.

"Definitely," I reply. He grins at me and off we go.

"Hey, I play the lute," I inform him as we circle the dance floor a second time.

"Really?" he asks.

"Really," I reply.

"You must play for me sometime. I would like to hear you," he murmurs.

"I wish I could, but I left it at the camp and I don't feel like going back just yet to collect it," I murmur.

"I can go with you if you want. I will ensure that no harm befalls you," he murmurs. I step back without releasing his hands.

"You would do that for me?" I ask.

"Merrill, right now, I would just about do anything for you and yes, I would take you back so that you can collect your lute and I will protect you," he replies.

"You are too kind, you know that?" I murmur. He grins at me as he pulls me back into his arms and we resume our dancing. He lifts me onto his feet and I slip my arms around his neck. I am nearly eye-level with him and again, I feel that electrical charge between us. I close my eyes and all it does is make me more aware of his erection. _He wants me...He really wants me..._ I am tempted to kiss him. I open my eyes and I am about to kiss him when the patrons erupt into loud cheers and again, our moment is spoiled. The cheering gets louder and he turns around enabling me to see what is going on and Mari and Anders stand in the middle of the tavern. The music changes and becomes softer. Anders places his hand on her hip while he grasps her other hand and they dance. Carver releases me and wraps his arms around me as Anders twirls Marian. They move seamlessly and gracefully. Both bodies blending and merging as one. It is beautiful to see. They circle the tavern a second time and then they dance their way to where we are standing.

"Hey," she greets me before he dances away from us, but she steers him back towards us.

"Had a good day?" she asks.

"Mari, come on. You can speak to them later," Anders protests.

"Oh alright, my love," she murmurs and off they go. At this point the patrons have formed a circle around the floor and they are cheering them on.

"I take it this happens fairly often?" I ask.

"It happens often enough... Would you like to sit and have something to drink?" he asks.

"Yes please," I reply. He grabs my hand and we wander to our table. I sit and he heads to the bar to get me a cider. I resume watching Marian and Anders. They dance exceptionally well together. It makes me wonder what else they do well together and I quickly lower my eyes. I am blushing...again and I want to curse my wayward thoughts, but that is pushed aside when Carver places a mug of cider in front of me.

"What are you having?" I ask.

"Cider...I don't want any hard liquor. Not right now," he replies.

"They do dance well together," I comment.

"I know," he murmurs. We lapse into companionable silence which is only broken by us setting our mugs down on the table. He reaches for my hand, turns it over and rubs my palm. I glance at him and there is uncertainty in his eyes.

"What is it, Carver?" I ask.

"Um...Have you had an enjoyable afternoon so far?" he asks.

"Yes...Yes...I have," I reply because I have enjoyed my afternoon and my morning with him.

"Excellent... Um...Merrill," he murmurs.

"Yes?" I encourage.

"May I spend the night with you again?" he asks.

"Yes...I would really like that," I reply.

"Good..." he murmurs. He leans back in his chair and I am tempted to sit in his lap. I stand and I am about to do just that when Marian and Anders joins us. I quickly sit down and grab my mug.

"Merrill, may I dance with you?" Anders asks. I eye his proffered hand and then I glance at Carver who has a look of annoyance on his face.

"Brother, may I dance with you?" she asks.

"What for? I have someone to dance with," he replies.

"I insist... Please?" she says.

"And I insist, Merrill," Anders says kindly. I decide that I better oblige, so I take his hand and he pulls me to my feet leaving the Hawke siblings in a silent battle of wills. I glance back once and he is taking her hand and for a brief moment, I see absolute pleasure in his eyes. I look away, feeling hurt and rejected. There is definitely something more than sibling affection between the two of them, but that is pushed to the back of my mind as Anders places his hand on my hip and grabs my hand.

"So, how has your day been with the younger sibling?" he asks.

"It was going well until a few minutes ago," I reply.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Anders, what is going on between them?" I ask. He frowns and his eyes darken considerably.

"Unresolved issues. It is not my place to tell you. I am sure he will tell you when he feels the time is right," he replies.

"That is unlikely..." I murmur as we circle the tavern.

"Why do you say that?" he enquires.

"There is something he wants to tell me, but every time, he holds back or changes the subject," I reply.

"That is typical of Carver. He has always had difficulty in expressing his feelings about certain things," he murmurs.

"He seems to be pretty open with me...To a point," I murmur.

"Really? That is surprising... He obviously has feelings for you...And you, Merrill?" he asks kindly.

"I like him, Anders. I won't deny that, but I am very confused as well... I have never felt this way before and it's so confusing and sometimes he confuses me," I murmur. He frowns and stops dancing altogether and I turn around. Carver and Marian are having an argument about something.

"Your made you decision, Marian and now I am making mine," he yells.

"But I thought..." she says.

"What? I am tired of your games, Mari. You cannot keep doing this to me," he continues.

"Games? You started it, Carver. You made the first move and you have the audacity to say I am playing games when all along you have been playing them and I am not doing anything to you," she says.

"You are and you know it. You frustrate me, Mari and now I am even more confused. I told you I have made my decision...Why can you not accept that?" he asks. "Or are you jealous of the possibility that I may have found someone?" he murmurs.

"What? Why would I be jealous when I am going to marry the man I love with all my heart?" she asks.

"Then what is this?" he murmurs.

"I...I don't know..." she murmurs.

"Sis, please, I love you and I always will, but she makes me feel happy and at peace...,"he murmurs.

"But Carver," she murmurs.

"No...Mari...I was wrong...This is wrong and I putting my foot down. I want to spend time with her... Please just give me a chance...You know how messed up I am. Maker, you know better than anyone else and all I ask is for your support," he murmurs. I look away. I have heard enough. It is painfully obvious to me what is going on. He loves... She obviously loves him. My heart clenches painfully and I turn away.

"Oh Merrill...I am so sorry you had to see this...Come with me and perhaps I can shed some light," Anders says kindly.

"No...I don't need it be explained to me...How can you accept it, Anders?" I ask.

"Because I love Mari and the reason things are the way they are between them is due to past circumstances and it is not my place to tell you because it is a family matter and a sore point, but I love her with all of my heart and she loves me just as deeply. I understand her more than she understands herself and I better intervene before things get explosive," he murmurs. I turn my attention and they are still shouting at each other. I cannot watch anymore. I sneak my way through the crowded tavern without looking back and I slip out unnoticed and into the early evening. I am close to tears and I stumble my way blindly in what I hope is the direction of the Alienage. I have never felt such pain in my life. Marian and Carver have an unhealthy relationship and for all I know, his words meant absolutely nothing. The tears are streaming down my cheeks so much so that I am blinded. I cannot see where I am going and a pair of hands grabs me.

"Well, well, well...What do we have here?" I look up and into cold grey eyes of an unknown shemlen. He has blonde hair and his expression is hard. He tightens his hold on me until I cry out in pain.

"Hey fellas, look what I have here... One of them knife ears and she is...Maker, she is damn pretty," he calls. Cold fear surrounds me and I struggle against my assailant, but he pushes me back into the wall.

"I wonder what she looks like under this," he says as drags his dagger between my breasts. He nudges the material aside and he whistles.

"Such fine tits for a knife ear," he says coldly, menacingly and tight fear closes over my heart. I can use my magic, but that might do more harm than good. He licks his lips and my skin crawls. I feel my magic stir, but he pushes himself flush against me and runs his grubby hands down my arms, to my sides and down my thighs. He works his way up and to my... I close my eyes.

"I wanna see her naked," another man says and I chance opening my eyes. A man with dark green eyes is smiling greedily at me and I start screaming as they both start pawing me and pulling my clothes off.

"Shut your mouth, you bloody knife ear. You come into our city and steal our jobs and we walk the streets. You better shut your mouth or I will shut it for you," he warns. I ignore him and the sound of flesh hitting flesh silences me. He punches me again and my neck snaps backwards causing my head to make contact with the hard wall and I see stars. _I must not pass out...I must not pass out..._ I chant in my head. I am brought back to the now but the sound of them unzipping their pants. They roughly turn me around and push me up against the wall and I seize struggling. There is nothing I can do with two strong shemlens who... I lose my train of thought when I hear a startled gasp. I don't want to look but I hear fists hitting flesh.

"You bloody bastards! I will kill you!" It's Carver and out of the corner of my eye, I see flashes of blue light.

"Shit...Carver." It's Anders and I see more flashes of light. I feel someone wrap their arms around me. I expect it to be Carver and I raise my eyes and I look directly into a pair of light blue eyes.

"Marian," I croak.

"I've got you...Here," she says as she removes her cloak. She wraps it around me and my knees buckle. I slide to the ground, curl myself into a ball and weep.

"Merrill," Marian murmurs as she cradles me. I see more flashes of light and I hear lots of cursing and then there is silence. I want to pass out, but I fight it...I don't want to be in that cold, dark place. I hear footsteps and very gently someone lifts me into his arms and immediately I realise who it is. _Carver..._

"Mari, her clothes," he murmurs.

"I know...Help me Andy," she murmurs.

"Where should we take her?" Carver asks.

"My Clinic...I have to examine her...And Mari, we have to speak to Aveline...These streets are not safe as we know..." he says. I tune out of their conversation and I focus my attention on Carver who is looking at me with absolute concern in his eyes.

"It's my fault...I shouldn't have said what I said," he murmurs.

"Brother now is not the time to discuss this with her. She's been through enough and we need to get her to safety," she says.

"Carver," I whimper as I find the strength to slip my arms around his neck and I weep.

"I've got you, sweetie," he murmurs.

"Carver," I whisper and that is the last thing I remember before I succumb to darkness.

o0o

_My head feels_ funny as I slowly fight my way out of my sleep. I hear the sounds of water and then I feel the pleasant sensation of someone washing my back. I fight the last dregs of my sleep and I open my eyes. I try to make out my surroundings as my vision slowly shifts back into focus. I am in an unfamiliar place and it feels strangely comforting. It smells of Lyrium, wood and grass and as my vision clears, I see quite a few makeshift cots. I also notice a desk that is currently occupied by someone, but what draws my attention is that whoever is washing me has stopped and I attempt to turn onto my back, instead familiar hands grip my shoulders and ease me onto my back and I look directly into the eyes of Carver. I am so pleased to see him. I want to sit up, but he gently pushes me back onto the pillow.

"Take it easy, Merrill," he murmurs.

"No...Please...Carver..." I murmur.

"Take it easy," he murmurs, but I won't hear it. I want to be in his arms and I struggle against his firm, yet gentle hold on my shoulders..

"Shit...Anders..." he calls as he tries to hold me down, but I want to be in his arms. I don't care that I am naked and that my face is throbbing madly.

"Carver, please," I whimper.

"She's awake...That is excellent news...," Anders says.

"Carver," I whimper. I can't seem to get my message across and he is still trying to hold me down.

"Oh for the Creators sake, Carver, hold me," I blurt out and the surprise is evident in his eyes.

"Please," I murmur.

"Anders?" he asks. I realise he wants reassurance.

"Carver, if she wants you to hold her, than do so. There is nothing more comforting than having someone you care about, hold you," he murmurs, smiling and Carver still makes no move and I have had enough. I throw back my sheet and I stand rather unsteadily on my feet.

"Merrill, you need to," Carvers says. I ignore him as I settle myself on his lap. I wrap my arms around his neck and I close my eyes.

"Merrill," he murmurs as he gently wraps his arms around me.

"Just hold me," I murmur.

"Well, what did I tell you?" Anders asks, amused and I want to smile and I do.

"She is naked, Anders," he murmurs.

"So? You can't tell me you haven't seen a naked woman before," he says. I feel him blush and I chuckle.

"Can you pass the sheet to me?" he asks and shortly thereafter he wraps the sheet around me.

"Merrill?" Anders asks.

"Mmm?" I reply.

"Would you like a cup of tea?" he asks.

"Yes please," I reply. I hear a door close, but I don't have the strength to open my eyes.

"Merrill, why did you run off like that?" Carver asks.

"I was upset, Carver. You and Marian?" I murmur.

"That is sorted... for the moment," he replies.

"For the moment? What in the Creator's name is that supposed to mean?"

"I don't want to talk about it. I am just grateful that no serious harm was done to you, otherwise I would not be able to forgive myself especially since it was my fault in the first place," he says softly, sincerely and I decide to let it rest. He would tell me eventually, but for now I was too happy being in his arms. I open my eyes and kiss his chin. He gasps, looking at me with surprised blue eyes. I kiss him again. I run my tongue along his chin and jawline. He tastes of lilies and grass mingled with his _Carver_ smell that reminds me of home and all things nature. I pull myself up and wrap my legs around his waist. We are eye-level now. I go back to kissing his jawline and he lets out a low rumble that resonates in the pit of my stomach and I feel him stir beneath me. I cup his face and I search his face for any sighs of uncertainty and I find none. He slides his hands along my back, to my neck where he curls his hand around it. He leans closer. His colour is high and his eyes are dark blue. I lean closer, but before I can do anything more, he gently pulls me close and he kisses me. He nibbles my bottom lip and I part my lips. He darts his tongue into my mouth. It feels warm and pleasant and I sigh. I delve into his mouth and our tongues begin a wild dance. He tightens his arms around me, deepening our kiss and I moan. He is relentless in his exploration of me and by his erection digging into me, he wants far more and I slowly move on him and he groans low in his throat. I move that bit faster and he elicits a low sigh.

"Shit, Merrill. What are you doing to me?" he murmurs.

"I have no idea," I murmur. He pulls back and laughs.

"Mmm...Perhaps one day I can show you," he murmurs and with a sinking feeling, I realise that tonight is not the night. I look away from him and I feel humiliated and rejected. I attempt removing myself from his lap, but he does not let me go.

"Wait...Where are you going?" he asks. I hear the pain in his voice and I look into his eyes.

"To bed...Care to join me?" I murmur, trying and failing to hold back my tears.

"Merrill, we will, I promise, but you have been through a lot this evening and I want our first time to be really special. I don't want to rush things with you... I care too much... I realised that when I saw those men assaulting you. I was so angry and then when I saw you wrapped in Mari's cloak while she held you and all your clothes were strewn about, I realised something else..." he says.

"What?" I whisper.

"Merrill isn't it obvious?" he murmurs.

"What?" I ask. I am very confused. I don't know what he is on about.

"Oh Merrill, I am falling in love with you," he murmurs. I stare at him in disbelief...

"What?" I manage to croak out.

"I am falling in love with you," he replies.

"You...What?" I murmur. I can't believe what I am hearing. He frowns and lowers his eyes, but not before I see the confusion in them. He appears to be thinking and before I can say anything, he presses his lips against mine. He nibbles my bottom lip and I moan. I curl my hand around his neck, gently holding him in place. He deepens our kiss and I mould my lips to his, deepening our kiss even further. Eventually he breaks it off and we are left feeling rather breathless.

"Does that answer your question?" he asks.

"Mmm...It does...," I reply and I start laughing, but it is quickly quelled by my throbbing face that chooses now to make itself known and I start crying.

"Merri...," he murmurs. He stands and gently lowers me into the cot. He pulls the sheet up around my chin and he kisses my forehead.

"Let me see what is keeping Anders...I won't be long," he murmurs.

"Please...Please don't leave me alone," I sob.

"I won't be gone for long, I promise," he murmurs. He kisses my forehead again and then he is gone and I am alone. I am in a strange place and I feel so alone even though I know they are nearby. My face is throbbing madly and my body is tingling from our kiss. Not even that comforts me. I curl myself into a ball and I sob. I force myself to think about Sundermount – the mountains, the rivers, the trees and a wave of homesickness sweeps through me. I miss Marethari and the sounds of the aravels creaking in the winds. I have been in Kirkwall for a week. I have met a good man and I have been assaulted. It is just too much and he is taking far too long. Fear constricts my chest and raw panic sets in. I need him.

"Carver...Carver..." I call as I stand. I head for the direction I think he went, but I lose my sense of direction as numbing shock sets in and I slide to the floor wrapping the sheet securely around me.

"Carver!" I yell. A door opens.

"Merrill?" he calls.

"Carver," I whimper and then he is beside me.

"Sweetie," he murmurs, gently lifting me in his arms and I am so pleased to see him, fresh tears spring anew. He smiles at me.

"You really should be in bed," he murmurs.

"I am afraid..." I murmur.

"Hey, there is no need to feel like that. I am here..." he murmurs.

"Why did you take so long?" I murmur.

"I...I was chatting to Mari...We both feel awful about what happened. We have made amends for now. We still have a lot of issues to resolve, but my primary concern is you...And I am really sorry you had to witness my sister and me fighting," he murmurs.

"It...It doesn't matter... I just want you to stay," I murmur.

"And I intend doing that, but I don't know how. There aren't many beds here. You are on the only bed," he says as he helps me onto the bed. He tucks the sheet around me and gives me a kiss. He moves the chair closer and sits. He reaches for my hand and entwines our fingers. He gently rubs my knuckles with his thumb and for the first time in I don't know how many hours, I relax.


	5. Healing Carver Chapter 5

**Chapter 05**

"_Merrill," Carver calls_ from a distance. My body is stiff and my face is tender. I try opening my eyes but they don't want to oblige.

"Carver?" I murmur hoarsely. I am thirsty. The last thing I remember before falling into a deep sleep was drinking a cup of tea and I wondered at the time if Anders didn't put anything into it to help me sleep. I am not pleased about the thought, but I don't care. I need something to drink.

"I'm here," he murmurs and I only relax when he closes his hand over mine.

"Water...I need water," I murmur. I try opening my eyes again and this time they oblige. My vision is blurred, but I can see his profile and as my vision clears, he becomes sharper.

"Anders, she's awake and she is asking for something to drink," he says. I search my surrounding and he is sitting at his desk with Marian perched next to him.

"Okay...I will get her something to drink," he says.

"Mmm...You put something into her tea, didn't you?" she asks.

"Whatever makes you say that, love?" he asks, leaning back into his chair.

"I don't know...Wait... I remember waking one morning and feeling exactly the way she is feeling. That was before you moved in with us," she replies quietly.

"Mari, I am here and I don't intend leaving you, but we can chat just now. I have a patient to see to," he says.

"Okay," she says and she kisses him.

"I love you," she says.

"Mmm...I love you...Now please," he murmurs. She moves off his desk and he is able to stand. She sits in his vacated chair while he approaches me.

"How do you feel?" he says softly as he gently examines my face.

"Thirsty and sore especially my face..." I reply.

"Close your eyes," he murmurs.

"I don't want to, Anders. Please I am so thirsty," I murmur.

"Carver would you mind fetching a mug of water?" he asks.

"Um...Okay..."he replies and with great reluctance he leaves me in the care of Anders. He closes his eyes and very quickly, blue energy emerges from his fingertips and the most pleasant sensation sweeps through my body. He is so gentle with me. He hardly touches me as he heals me, yet I feel his energy throughout my body. He opens his eyes and steps away from the bed. He turns around and stumbles to a cot where he sits and I don't know how she knew, but she was by his side before I could register that my face was no longer tender and my heart swells with gratitude.

"Thank you, Anders...I feel so much better," I whisper. He nods his acknowledgment and she wraps her arms around him.

"Too much, Andy...Don't exhaust yourself," she says and he smiles at her.

"I won't...I just need to rest for a while...We could always rest in my room," he teases.

"Anders Amell-Hawke, you are full of nonsense," she teases.

"Only when you are around, my love," he says. I look away from them before I see anything else. They are very much in love that much is certain and seeing them makes me realise that I am falling in love with Carver. My heart beats happily at the thought and I feel excited. I cannot wait for him to return with my water. I open my eyes Marian and Anders are sharing a kiss. He slips his arms around her and holds her extremely close.

"Mmm...Your patient," she reminds him and he abruptly pulls away from her. He stands, smiling and comes towards me.

"How do you feel now?" he asks.

"Much better, thank you..." I reply.

"Excellent...And here is Carver," he says.

"When will I be able to go home?" I ask.

"As soon as you feel strong enough, but we need to find fresh clothes for you," he says.

"What about the clothes I was wearing yesterday?" I ask.

"We burnt them, Merrill because you can no longer wear them," he replies.

"Were they damaged beyond repair?" I enquire.

"Yes, I am afraid so," he replies.

"Oh..." I murmur.

"Do you have other outfits?" he enquires.

"Yes, but someone will have to bring them to me," I reply.

"Mmm...I will go, Anders. Her home is not far from here," Marian suggests.

"Okay..." he says.

"Mmm...Hey, how do you really feel?" she asks.

"Better...I'm just...frightened. I don't want to be on my own after this..." I reply.

"Hey, I wouldn't worry about that because my brother is going to be there for you. I doubt he will leave your side now," she says. I blush at her words. _Does she know how he feels about me? Does she know how I feel about him?_ I look at her and by her expression, I realise she does.

"Are you going to have a problem with Carver and I being together?" I ask. He gapes at me and I want to retract my words and I blush. An awkward silence ensues and I find that I cannot look either of them in the eye and I want nothing more than to escape their intense, probing gazing. I slide off the bed and without much thought I tighten the sheet around me. I glance anxiously around the clinic and I spot another door. Without saying anything or looking at him, I bolt for the door and slam it open. I glance around and I spot some stairs. I quickly descend them and I wander blindly through this place until I see someone climbing onto a lift. I hasten my step and I climb on.

"Where does this lead?" I ask the woman who is eyeing me suspiciously. _I suppose she is wondering what a knife-ear is doing_ _here and why she is wearing a sheet._ I glare at her and she quickly lowers her gaze.

"Where does this lead?" I ask again.

"Lowtown," she replies.

I can't help thinking that the kiss we shared was just a miscommunication, yet he kissed me again and told me that he was falling in love with me, yet when I mentioned _being together_ to his sister, he didn't react. His expression was impassive and my tears fall unbidden and the woman looks kindly at me. I lower my eyes and stare at my knotted fingers. How could I misread his actions to this extent, yet his kiss held promise? I sigh and I wish I had a little more experience with men and an image of Isabela appears in my mind. She might be able to give me some advice and I decide that as soon as I am in Lowtown, I am going to the tavern. I breathe a sigh of relief as our lift come to a jerky stop that nearly causes me to lose my balance, but I don't and I stumble out into the early morning sun and I am blinded momentarily by the sun. I blink a few times and finally, I find my way through the throng of people and I breathe another sigh of relief when the tavern comes into view. I run the rest of the way and I burst into the tavern. I search the tavern and I see Isabela sitting by the bar.

"Isabela," I murmur as I sink to the floor. I am exhausted. I want to go home and I want Carver. She looks down at me and the concern is evident in her dark brown eyes.

"Shit, Merrill, you look terrible and you look as if you could do with stiff drink or two," she says as she helps me to my feet. She leads me to a quiet table and I laugh bitterly. This is the same table Carver and I sat at yesterday and my tears fall unchecked.

"Merrill, what is it?" she says as she wraps her arms around me.

"I am so confused, Isabela," I sob.

"About what? Wait...Is this about Carver?" she asks. I sob harder.

"Did that arse hurt you because if he did, I will have his balls," she mutters and I gape at her.

"Well, did he?" she presses.

"No..." I reply.

"Then what happened and why are you wearing a sheet?" she asks and I look away from her. The same feeling of panic is rushing back and I have difficulty breathing.

"Wait...You do need a stiff drink...Hey Norah, a mug of ale for my friend... A shot of whisky for me and bring a bottle of cider just in case," she says.

"Coming right up," Norah says.

"So, tell me what is bothering you," she says kindly.

"You saw Carver and Marian fighting last night?" I ask.

"Yes... Go on," she encourages.

"The things they were saying... I was upset about was said and I walked out of the tavern only to be assaulted by two men on my way home," I explain and I gently press my hand against my still-tender cheek.

"What? You were assaulted? Did they?" she asks.

"Nearly and if it weren't for Carver's and Anders' timely intervention, they would have...you know," I murmur. Her expression is angry and she taps her dagger against the table in agitation. I didn't realise she carried one until I noticed it now.

"The bloody bastards. I hope Anders and Carver gave them what for," she says.

"Mmm...They did," I murmur. Norah places our drinks in front of us and Isabela pushes a mug towards me. I stare into the amber liquid.

"Drink up...It will help," she says. I have a tentative sip. It has a distinct fruity taste that is sharpened by something else, but I couldn't be bothered what it is. I have another sip and then another. I push it way because I really don't feel so well. My head is throbbing slightly.

"So where did they take you?" she asks.

"They took me to Anders' clinic in Darktown... Carver stayed the whole night with me," I reply.

"Did anything else happen?" she asks.

"No...We kissed, but that was all, but this morning I was speaking to Marian and I asked her if she would have an issues now that Carver and I together...He was speechless, Isabela and I felt a fool for assuming that we were together after our kiss... I am so confused..." I murmur.

"Mmm...Well, I can assure that he is love with you," she says.

"He told me he was falling in love with me," I murmur.

"Did he, now? Then he is in love with you, but that doesn't explain why you are upset," she says.

"I am confused, Isabela and I thought you would be able to give me advice...What do I do? I don't know if he meant anything by our kiss or not," I murmur.

"Listen, men can be fickle at the best of times, but give him some time and he will come around and I bet he is looking for you and I bet he is frantic about you..." she says and I start crying again. I don't know if it is because of the ale or the fact that I am hopelessly in love with him or the fact that I am still in shock after last night's events and more than anything else, I want to be in the safety and warmth in his arms.

"Mmm...You have it bad, Merrill... I think I should take you home. Come," she says as she stands. She pulls me to my feet and slips her arms around me. She steers me towards the exit, but we don't get very far when the door slams open and Carver comes in looking distressed and I stumble into his arms.

"Oh Merrill, I have been so worried about you...," he murmurs. I am too relieved to say anything and I hoist myself into his arms where he wraps them securely around me.

"I was going to take her home, Carver...Would you like me to come with you?" she asks.

"Um...Please..." he replies. He turns around and exits the tavern. Isabela follows behind him and she catches my eye. She smiles warmly at me and I find myself warming to her. I return her smile.

o0o

"_Um...Would you excuse us?" _I ask Carver. I am standing in my room and Isabela has just brought a fresh set of clothing for me. I want to get dressed, but I don't want him to see me do so. It doesn't matter that I awoke to him washing me last night and it doesn't matter that we kissed, I feel extremely self-conscious and vulnerable. I gaze at him and it appears he is uncertain. He realises I am watching him because a ghost of a smile plays around his full lips and the memory of our kiss comes rushing back and my knees buckle. I sit down on my bed and I look at him. The ghost of the smile I saw has changed into a warm, knowing smile and I blush...profusely. I find that I cannot break my gaze and the longing in his eyes is something else. He slowly sweeps his eyes from my face and they slowly travel the length of my body. I squirm on my bed because it feels as if he is making love to me with his eyes.

"Um...Carver, get out... She needs her privacy... Go on..." Isabela chases him out of my room and closes the door behind him. I lower my gaze to my fingers that have gripped the sheet rather tightly. My body is tingling madly and my longing has worsened.

"Shit...I felt that...Maker, it was rather intense, wasn't it?" she asks as she sits next to me. I glance at her and she looks amused.

"Well, Kitten, Carver is smitten with you, that much is obvious," she murmurs.

"You think so?" I murmur.

"Well, I have never seen him like this before. He has had little experience with women," she says.

"Really? I find that hard to believe since you and him have...what did he call it?" I murmur.

"Mmm...I wouldn't worry about it, Merrill. It meant nothing to me and I honestly don't think it meant anything to him. He was the one who ended it, but that was weeks ago... And he is definitely smitten with you," she says.

"Um...Isabela...," I swallow hard because I am nervous. I try again. "I...I have never been with a man in that way before..."

"I...I gathered as much... You have an air of innocence about you, Kitten... Tell me, the kiss you shared last night, was that a first for you?" she asks.

"Yes..." I reply.

"And you are how old?" she asks.

"Nineteen..." I reply.

"Mmm...You are still young and so is he. As I said, he hasn't had much experience with woman, but he is no virgin," she says softly.

"It might surprise you to know that I figured as much..." I reply.

"So what is really bothering you because I don't think you should worry too much that side of you relationship with him because he wants to takes thing slowly with you and that is because he is in love with you otherwise he would have surpassed that step in your relationship with you," she says kindly.

"But I feel...such longing for him...And it overwhelms me completely. I find it difficult to think straight when he is around," I murmur.

"Hey, take it slow...Set the boundaries, Merrill. If he really cares about you, he will respect them," she says.

"What boundaries? I don't quite understand."

"Oh, Kitten, tell him what you want. Ask him if there is an _us_ and see what he says, although I suspect there is already an _us_," she says as she stands. She picks up my outfit just as there is a knock on my door.

"Merri, may I come in or you are still getting...dressed?" he asks. Isabela scowls and opens the door slightly.

"Carver, give her a chance," she says.

"I need to speak to her about what she said this morning," he murmurs. She glances at me and rolls her eyes.

"Honestly, don't you have any patience?" she asks.

"No," he replies.

"Carver, just relax. She will be out shortly or you going to come in here and chase me out?" she asks. She doesn't wait for his reply and she closes the door.

"Now," she says as saunters towards me. I stand and allow the sheet to slip off my shoulders. I start blushing and I cover my modesty. I try to at least. She lets out a low whistle.

"Shit, you are so tiny, Merrill... And I know what I am talking about. I have been with a number of elves – men and women alike – but you are tiny... I bet his hands fit quite comfortably around you waist," she murmurs.

"Just give me my clothes," I murmur. I am so embarrassed and I don't like the way she is looking at me. I turn my back on her and quickly put on my smalls.

"I...I apologise," she says softly as she hands my pretty green chemise to me. It was something else I made for myself before I left the Dalish. I only turn around once it is on and she hands me the matching skirt. It is a bit short, but I couldn't be bothered.

"It's fine. I'm just not used to this. I am an extremely private person," I murmur.

"It's not fine. It was not my intention to make you feel uncomfortable and I am really sorry. It's just that you are very tiny compared to other elfish women," she says.

"I...I know that...," I murmur.

"And besides, you don't have to feel embarrassed around me. I won't harm you," she says as she appraises me.

"Um...Do I look presentable?" I ask.

"Mmm, of course you do... Are you going to put something on your feet?" she asks.

"No...I like to feel the ground beneath me, especially grass...sand...water. I enjoy nature, Isabela and I miss it. I miss the trees, the lakes, the rivers..." I murmur.

"Perhaps we can help you there," she says.

"How? My clan will chase me away before they allow me to enter the camp," I murmur. I lower my eyes before she can see my pain and I bite my lip to prevent myself from crying.

"Surely we can try? They can't be so heartless. I mean you are one of the people," she says kindly.

"No," I blurt out. "I am a blood mage, Isabela. I did something terrible and my people hate me for it. They will never understand why I did what I did. All they see is a blood mage who has brought bad luck upon their clan." I sit on my bed and bury my head in my hands. There is no point in preventing my tears because they are already flowing and I want Carver and as if on cue, he bursts into my room, looking completely distressed. I stand and fly into his arms.

"Carver," I sob as I wrap my arms around him. He lifts me into his arms and I wrap my legs around his waist and he slowly walks to the bed.

"Talk to me," he murmurs.

"I...I think I should go. Please look after her and perhaps we will see you this evening at the tavern," she says.

"I don't know if she is going to want that, Isabela, but we will see you. If you see my sister, tell her I am with her and if she has anything to say about it, tell her I don't intend leaving her side," he says.

"You know, you and your sister should really sort out your issues, especially if you want to move forward with Merrill," she says.

"I...I know that...Thank you for taking care of her, Isabela. I appreciate it," he says softly.

"Hey, I don't mind. She needed a friend and I was there...I think we are going to be good friends... See you later," she says.

"_Dareth shiral_, Isabela," I murmur and she chuckles.

"Is that some elfish greeting or something?"

"Yes...It means _farewell_," I murmur.

"See you later then," she says and then she is gone leaving Carver and I alone.

"Hey," he murmurs.

"Hey," I whisper.

"How do you feel?" he asks.

"Better now that you are here," I reply.

"Mmm...What would you like to do?" he murmurs.

"Talk," I reply.

"Very well," he murmurs. He moves further onto the bed without letting me go and he leans against the well. I finally look at him and he is smiling at me.

"You know, I like the thought of us _being together_," he murmurs.

"You...You do?" I murmur. My heart rate has risen and a warm glow spreads throughout my body.

"Yes...," he replies.

"So what does it mean?" I ask.

"I want there to be an _us_, Merrill, but if we become an _us,_ I must warn you that I have a lot of unresolved issues that needs sorting and that is going to take some time," he replies.

"I want to be with you, Carver and I don't mind about your issues. We can work through them when you ready... I...I," I murmur.

"What?" he murmurs.

"I want you, Carver," I murmur. I cup his face in my small hands and I study his face for any signs of uncertainty and I find none. I gently massage his cheeks with my thumbs and he closes his eyes. I move to his temples and gently massage them and he lets out a low sigh of contentment and I smile to myself. I place a kiss on his forehead and when I pull away, he opens his eyes. He moves his hands along my back in a soothing motion and all the tension I have been feeling, ebbs away. I lean closer and I tentatively kiss him. I pull back slightly and his eyes have darkened and I smile because it is because of me and the way I affect him. I tentatively kiss him again and he slowly responds. He shifts slightly and he very gently lowers me onto my bed. He pulls back to look at me.

"Then you have me, Merri... I'm all yours," he murmurs and a warm glow once again spreads throughout my body except it spreads from my heart.

"What about Mari?" I murmur.

"What about her?" he asks.

"Mmm...Nothing...I just don't want to be the cause of any further tension between the two of you," I reply.

"Listen, I know we have unresolved issues and I am sure we will resolve them over time, but I honestly don't want to think about her or our issues. I want to focus my attention on you. I want to get to know you and I meant it when I said I was falling in love with you. I am falling in love with you and I want there to be an _us_," he says.

"Carver, I want to be with you... You make me happy and you make me feel safe. When I am with you, I don't feel lonely," I murmur.

"Then it's settled," he murmurs. He smiles warmly at me before he kisses me and it is just as tentative as our earlier one. I smile as I slip my arms around his neck. He is so warm and comforting. He pauses and grabs my arms. He skims his fingers along them until he clasps our hands. He stretches them above me and he kisses me again. He nibbles my lip forcing me to open and he darts his tongue into my mouth and our kisses intensifies. I feel my longing grow and I also feel his erection pressing pleasantly into my stomach. He skims his hands along my hands, along my sides, to my legs and he skims his way back to my hands.

"You smell so good, Merri," he murmurs. He moves away from my mouth and trails feather light kisses along my jawline while he skims his fingers along my legs again. This time he pushes my skirt up and caresses my thigh.

"You smell good to," I murmur and he chuckles low in his throat and it resonates to the longing in the pit of my stomach. He comes back to my mouth and he kisses me again. I skim my hands along his back to the hem of his shirt and I pull it up. He groans as I skim my fingers along his back and his muscles ripple beneath my fingertips. I move my hands to the waistband of his pants and I pause...I am not ready to take this further and I gently press my hands on his chest.

"Please... I want to take it slowly with you, Carver," I murmur. He stops kissing me and raises himself. I expect to see rejection in his eyes, but all I see is understanding.

"I don't want to rush this, Merrill...," he murmurs. He kisses my forehead before rolling off me and onto his back. I snuggle up to him and wrap my arm around his chest.

"Thank you...You don't mind?" I ask.

"No...I don't...For the first time in my life, I don't mind taking things slowly," he replies.

"Have you always rushed into things?" I ask.

"Yes...And I am not proud of it, but I'm hoping it will change," he replies. We lapse into companionable silence. I feel safe having him with me and knowing he will protect me. I close my eyes and I drift...


	6. Healing Carver Chapter 6

**Chapter 06**

"_Are you sure_ _about this_, Merrill?" he asks me as we wander up the path leading to the Dalish Camp. It has been two weeks since I was assaulted and as promised, he did not leave my side. It is a beautiful sunny day. The sky is blue and there is slight breeze. I release his hand and I twirl away from him. This is where I am at the happiest. Out in the mountains and surrounded by nature. I twirl around and I giggle.

"Hey," he says as he grabs me gently around my waist. He gives me a quick kiss before he swings me around. My Carver is so strong. He told me I weighed nothing in his arms. He sets me on my feet and he embraces me.

"Ah...I love seeing you like this, Merri. So happy and carefree," he murmurs. He nuzzles my hair and tightens his arms around me and I can't stop smiling. He used the word _love_ again, yet he hadn't told me outright.

"Am I sure about what?" I ask. He gently releases me and grasps my chin between his thumb and forefinger.

"About returning to the Dalish to collect your lute?" he asks. I look away from him because I am not sure if I am doing the right thing. I don't know how I am going to be received. I turn away from him and wander up the path. I stop at the top and look towards the entrance to the camp.

"Sweetie, we can always go back to Kirkwall if you don't want to do this today," he suggests.

"I'm just anxious, Carver. They won't welcome me with open arms," I murmur.

"It might not be so bad and besides, I am here. Now, let's go," he says. He grabs my hand and he leads me to the entrance, but we are forced to stop because the guards have blocked our entry. One of them is Fen'harel.

"What do you want, Merrill? You are not welcome here," Fen'harel says.

"I would like to see the Keeper," I murmur. I realise they are eyeing Carver suspiciously.

"What is a shemlen doing here, Merrill," he asks.

"What does it look like? He is with me," I reply. He scowls when he sees Carver and I holding hands, but I am not going to release him, instead, I slip my arm around his waist.

"I would like to see the Keeper," I say again. He scowls at me as he allows us to pass.

"Shemlen, be warned. Our arrows are trained firmly on you," he mutters.

"Are you threatening me?" Carver asks. He is indignant and I want to laugh.

"It's a friendly warning, shemlen," he replies.

"Listen, I am not here to fight with you. I am here because Merrill asked me to come with her and if you would excuse us," he trails away because the Keeper is coming towards us and I suddenly feel anxious.

"Fen'harel, stand down. You have no right to deny our people from entering the camp," Marethari says firmly.

"She has brought bad luck upon us, Keeper," he says quietly.

"She is one of the people, Fen'harel. She has every right to be here. Now, stand down," she says.

"Yes, Keeper." He bows respectfully and allows us to pass.

"_Andaran atish'an_, Keeper," I murmur.

"_Aneth' ara_, Merrill. What brings you here?" she asks

"I would like to take my lute back to the city," I reply. I notice her studying Carver and he shifts restlessly next to me. I squeeze his hand as I glance at him and he smiles at me.

"Well, come along then..." she says. She turns around and we follow her through the camp and by the time we reach her aravel, I am ready to weep because every one of the elves we passed looked at me with such loathing in their eyes. As soon as we enter the aravel, I slide to the floor and I weep.

"Oh Merrill," she murmurs.

"They hate me, Keeper. Every one of them hates me... And for what?" I sob.

"You chose a different path then what we expected from you, Merrill. They don't understand why you did what you did and I don't really understand either," she replies.

"I had no choice, Keeper...I simply had no choice," I murmur. I glance at Carver who is standing awkwardly at the door.

"Please come in," I call. He smiles sheepishly at me as he somehow manages to get his huge bulk of a frame through the door. The aravel rocks and creaks in protests.

"I think this aravel is not meant for humans," he says. I shake my head as he sits next to me. I reach for his hand and entwine our fingers. I look into the Keeper's kind face and she smiles warmly at us.

"_Da'len_, you look happy... I trust this has everything to do with your young man?" she asks.

"Oh...Um..." I stammer. I find that I cannot look at her and my cheeks are burning.

"Keeper Marethari, I am Carver," he murmurs.

"Mmm...I remember you. You were with Marian Amell-Hawke, Anders and Aveline, if I remember correctly," she says.

"Yes, I was with them on that day when we returned the amulet to you," he explains.

"Mmm...You look happy, Merrill and at peace..." she murmurs.

"I am..." I murmur.

"And you would like your lute?" she asks.

"Yes...I would like to play..." I sigh. "I would like to play for him, Keeper... I want to express how much I care for him," I murmur.

"Do you know that she dances very well," she says.

"Yes, I do know. We have danced a few times already. She is very graceful, Keeper," he murmurs. I blush at his compliment and I am tempted to kiss him, but I refrain.

"Would you like something to drink?" she asks.

"Yes, please," I reply. She exits the aravel, leaving the two of us alone and I realise I want to be his arms. I climb onto his lap and before he says anything, I kiss him. I mould my lips to his as I dart into his mouth. He slides his hand to the base of my neck and he grasps my chin between his thumb and forefinger. I slip my arms around his neck, deepening our kiss in the process and he moans into my mouth. He moves his hand along my chest and closes his hand over my breast and I moan. I love it when he does that and I push myself into his hand and he squeezes it.

"Sweet Maker... Do you have any idea how much I want you?" he murmurs.

"How much?" I murmur.

"Shit, Merrill, you drive me wild," he murmurs as he takes my hand and presses it against his erection.

"What do you want me to do?" I murmur.

"Just... Shit...," he murmurs. He grabs my hand and very gently he moves it along his length. He releases my hand and I am free to continue. I unzip him and I slide my hand in and close it over his erection. He rumbles low in his throat and as I am about to kiss him, the door opens. I quickly remove my hand and swing myself around so that my back is to him. I don't want him to feel embarrassed. I hastily straighten my clothes and as I settle on his lap, Marethari walks in holding two cups and by the familiar smell, I realise it is Dalish tea. It is made from various herbs and spices and it is very refreshing to drink. I lean forward to retrieve my cup and as I lean back, he curls his arm around my waist, pulling me into him.

"You drive me wild," he whispers for me alone and I chuckle. Only I could elicit such a reaction from him.

"Not as wild as you drive me," I murmur for him alone. He grins at me before kissing my cheek.

"Carver," Marethari says.

"Thank you, Keeper," he says, taking the proffered cup and before he has a sip, he frowns.

"Merrill, what is _thank you_ in your native tongue?" he asks and I blink in surprise. _He wants to learn my native language..._My heart swells with Dalish pride.

"Why didn't you tell me you wanted to learn elvish?" I ask.

"Mmm...Sweetie, I thought I made it pretty clear that I wanted to get know you and everything about you. I want to learn your language," he replies.

"Oh Carver...Do you have any idea how much that means to me?" I murmur.

"Yes, I think I do have an idea...Please?" he murmurs.

"Of course," I murmur. I climb off his lap and settle myself on the floor in front of him. I glance at the Keeper and she's smiling about something.

"Keeper, can I teach him?" I ask.

"If he really wants to learn, I don't see why not, but I wouldn't tell the others. They might take offense," she says.

"Why would they take offense?" he asks.

"Because traditionally we don't teach our ways to shemlens," I reply.

"Why?"

"Carver, they were once allies, but the Chantry sent their missionaries. Many of them returned to the cities and the rest of us travelled the land. The elves don't trust shemlens... Perhaps I will tell you once we have got to know each other a bit better and if you want to learn my language, I will teach you... _Thank you_ in elvish is _Ma serannas_."

"_Ma serannas_?" he murmurs and I smile at him.

"Yes..." I reply. I sit on my haunches and lean towards him and I lightly skim his jawline.

"Um...And _Dareth shiral_ means _farewell_?" he asks.

"You remembered?"

"Of course I remembered... What does...Um...You know, the way you greeted the Keeper?" he murmurs

"_Andaran atish'an?_"

"Yes...That... What does that mean?" he asks.

"It means _I enter this place in peace_ and _Aneth' ara_ is the way the elves greet each other. It means _my safe place_."

"You are my safe place," he murmurs. He grabs my hands and pulls me into his arms. "You are so beautiful...Is there an elvish word for that?"

"Mmm...I need to think about that," I reply.

"Really?" he murmurs as he gently grasps my chin.

"_Da'len_," Marethari says and I hastily pull away from him. I turn around.

"_Emma' abelas_," I murmur as I reach for my mug. I stand and sit on the steps of the aravel. She has seen far too much and she is going to speak to me about it. I look out over the camp and everyone is going about the daily business. Some are getting ready to hunt and others have just returned. I have a sip of my tea whilst I stare at the mountains in the distance. I wander to Hahren Paivel's campfire. He is telling them one of our elvish stories. When he sees me, he stops and frowns.

"_Da'len_, you shouldn't be here. The others are angry with you," he says.

"I...I know that, but please can I listen for a while? My...friend is speaking with the Keeper."

"You are still one of the people, _da'len_. Please sit and I will continue with my teachings," he says. I smile inwardly. To him our stories are teachings and he often told me we could learn so much by listening.

"Are you going to sit, da'len?" he asks.

"Yes, Hahren," I reply. I wander over to a fallen log and I sit. He starts telling us about _The Long Walk_, but I can't concentrate because my mind keeps on wandering back to Keeper Marethari's aravel and Carver. I don't know if she approves of my involvement with him. I sigh and try and focus my attention on Hahren Paivel's story and very soon I am absorbed by his story.

o0o

_I feel him_ _before I_ see him and a delicious tingle runs down my spine. I slowly turn around. He is sauntering towards me with a huge grin on his face and I quickly stand.

"What did she say to you?" I ask as soon as I join him.

"Oh, she just wanted to know what my intentions are and she also told me to look after you," he replies.

"So she approves?" I whisper.

"It seems so. She wants to have a word with you, though," he says.

"Why?" I ask.

"She wouldn't say...She just told me to bring you to her," he replies.

"Okay," I murmur. I slip my hand into his not caring if the rest of them see, but I am not going to hide my involvement with him. I know they are staring and by the hushed whispers, I realise they are speaking about us and it hurts. By the time we reach her aravel, there is a hard lump in my throat and I can't keep my tears from falling much longer. I release his hand and quickly disappear into the aravel with him behind me. I quickly wipe my eyes, but gentle hands close around my wrists and I look into the kind face of Marethari.

"_Da'len_?" she murmurs.

"Keeper," I sob as we sit.

"What is it, Merrill?" she asks.

"Nothing...It's nothing," I murmur, freeing my wrists. "Carver said you wanted to speak to me."

"Yes...Carver will you leave us for a minute?"

"Yes...Merrill, I will be outside," he says. I reach for his hand and he embraces me. "Sweetie, don't let them worry you...They just don't realise how special you are...I will be outside...When you have finished speaking to her, we can go home..." he says. He kisses my forehead and gives my hand squeeze. He turns around and exits the aravel. I sigh as I turn around.

"_Da'len_, he loves you..." she says.

"He...he hasn't told me," I murmur.

"Mmm...He will, when the time is right, but from what he has told me, he really cares about you...Merrill, he loves you," she says. "Why would he tell you that when he hasn't even told me that he loves me?" I murmur. I can't hide my hurt by this revelation.

"Merrill, he didn't tell me. I can see he loves you. It is so obvious. That man loves you, Merrill...Just pay a bit more attention..." she says. She reaches for my lute and she gives it to me. "You love him, Merrill. You just haven't admitted it to yourself, but what concerns me...Have you advanced your relationship?" she asks.

"No...We haven't... He...He doesn't want to rush into anything and I feel the same as him. I don't want rush things with him and why does it concern you?" I ask.

"Because he is a big man and you are smaller than the average female elf...," she replies.

"Oh...I...," I murmur. I look away from her because my cheeks feel too warm.

"_Emma' abelas, da'len_," she murmurs.

"It's fine, Keeper. We have not taken that step yet and I don't think we will for quite a while. I enjoy spending time with him. He makes me happy. And my blood magic status doesn't bother him in the least and why should it? His sisters are mages... Well, Marian is a mage. He had a twin sister, Bethany. She was killed by an ogre when they fled from the darkspawn during the Blight and his father was a mage...He died when Carver was sixteen," I murmur.

"Hush, _da'len_... He has told me this already and now I really don't think you should keep him waiting much longer..." she says. I stand, picking up my lute.

"Wait," she says. I wander out of the aravel looking for Carver and I find him browsing the stall Master Ilen owns. He appears fascinated by the weapons.

"Ser, this sword is so light...What is it crafted from?" he asks.

"The hilt is crafted from ironbark and the blade is crafted from the finest elven steel that can only be found around here," he replies. Carver gives the sword a swing and his arm muscles rippled. My stomach clenches tightly. He swings as he turns on the spot and his back muscles ripple and strain with the effort. He smiles at me before he sets the sword back on the table.

"What I would give to have a sword like this," he murmurs as he runs his finger along the blade. "And it is beautifully crafted," he murmurs.

"_Ma serannas_..." Master Ilen says.

"Carver...His name is Carver, Master Ilen," I murmur.

"_Ma serannas, Carver_," he says. I turn around and the Keeper is standing by her aravel holding something. I grab his hand and we wander back to her.

"_Da'len_, this is for you... Wear it well," she murmurs.

"What is it?" I murmur.

"Something to wear when you spend an evening out... I crafted it myself with you in mind, of course. I wanted to give it to you before you left, but you were so eager leave, I didn't get the chance," she replies. It is a fine elven cloak made from the lightest material. It is green in colour and there is a pattern of leaves on the edges. I shake it out and wrap it around myself. This type of cloak keeps the heat out on those hot summer days and in the winter, it keeps the cold out. The clasp is a leaf and I fasten it under my throat. I twirl around and Carver laughs, but the appreciation in his eyes is unmistakable.

"Hey, it suits you," he says.

"You think so?" I ask. I reach for his hands and he twirls me around and into his arms.

"Mmm...I'm ready to return to the city. Are you?" he murmurs.

"I am... Let me say farewell to the Keeper," I reply. He releases me and picks up my lute. I approach the Keeper who is smiling warmly at us.

"_Ma serannas_," I murmur.

"It's a pleasure...," she says.

"_Dareth shiral, da'len_," she murmurs.

"_Dareth shiral_, Keeper Marethari," I murmur.

"_Dareth shiral_," Carver murmurs.

o0o

_As soon as_ _I place_ my lute on the table in my living room, he pulls me into his arms, walks with me until my back is against the wall. He gently grabs my hands and stretches them above me. His eyes are dark blue and his body is radiating heat. He bends his head and gently kisses me. As our kiss deepens, he releases my hands and slips his arms around me. I curl my hand around his neck, pulling him closer. He removes his arm from around my waist and skims his fingers along my thigh.

"Your skin is so soft... Do you have any idea what you do to me?" he murmurs. I laugh and I look down. I can see his pants straining.

"I can see," I reply.

"I want to make love to you, Merrill, but I feel the time is not right..." he murmurs. _He said that word again. Why doesn't he just tell me?_ I gracefully slip out of his arms without looking at him and I reach for my lute. I sit down and start strumming one of our Dalish folk songs. He sits opposite me and he does not break eye contact with me. He starts drumming his fingers in time to the song and I can't help smiling at him. I stop playing, stand up and pull him to his feet.

"And now?" he says, amused as I place his hand on my waist.

"Dance with me," I reply.

"Mmm...I like that idea," he murmurs. We slowly circle the small living room a couple of times before we stop in the middle. He lifts me onto his feet and we sway on the spot.

"Mmm...Merrill, there is something I would like to tell you," he murmurs.

"What?" I hold my breath. _Is he going to tell me what I want to hear?_

"Mmm...You know I told you a while ago that I was falling in love with you?" he asks.

"Yes," I murmur.

"I was wrong..." he says and my heart sinks.

"What are you saying?" I murmur. I can't keep the pain out of my face and he frowns because of it.

"Hey, don't misunderstand me, sweetie. I just want you to know that I am in love with you and the last month or so has been the happiest time for me and I would like that to continue," he murmurs. I slowly exhale.

"It's been the happiest for me to, Carver...I...I...I..._Ma'arlath,_ Carver," I murmur and he frowns.

"What does _ma'arlath_ mean?" he enquires. I find that I can't look at him because I have just told him that I love him and if I tell him what it means, I don't know how he is going to receive it. I slip out of his arms and wander over to the basin. I grab a mug and fill it with water.

"Sweetie, tell me what you said," he murmurs. I sigh. I decide it would be best if I told him.

"It means..." I murmur as I turn around to face him. He is within arm's reach from me. I just have to reach out and he will come to me and I do just that. I pull him closer.

"It means _I love you_," I murmur.

"What? Merrill?" he asks. I look away from him.

"I love you, Carver. It's that simple," I murmur. I brush past him and into my room. I was not expecting the bewilderment on his face. I sit on my bed and stare at nothing in particular. I don't flinch when he sits next to me and out of the corner of my eye; he warily places his hand on my thigh. He gently massages it and I close my eyes.

"Merrill...I...I," he stammers...

"What, Carver? Do you love me?" I murmur.

"I...I do, Merrill. I do," he replies. I open my eyes and I can barely hide my joy. His answer has caused a warm glow to spread throughout my body.

"You do?" I whisper.

"I do," he replies.

"Say it...I need to hear it," I murmur. He reaches for my hand and entwines our fingers.

"I love you, Merrill," he murmurs and it takes every ounce of my strength not to throw myself at him even though I know he will thoroughly enjoy it if I do.

"I love you," I whisper.

"Mmm...I know you do. I think I have known that for a while...Would you like to go to the _Hanged Man_ later?" he asks.

"You really love me?" I ask completely ignoring his last question.

"I do, sweetie...," he murmurs. He pulls me onto my lap and kisses me and I surprise myself by fisting my hands through his hair. I feel so much better now that I know how he feels. I deepen our kiss at the thought and we slowly sink to the bed with him wrapping his arms securely around me.


	7. Healing Carver Chapter 7

**Chapter 07**

"_Merrill, how are_ things between you and my brother?" Marian asks. Carver has gone to fetch our drinks. I realise this is the chance she has been waiting for since we arrived at the tavern half-an-hour ago.

"Why are you so interested?" I ask. She looks away from me and stares at her clasped hands and for the first time, I notice the ring on her finger. It is plain gold with three blue stones that look remarkably similar to her eyes. She looks at me and smiles.

"Anders gave this to me, just before I turned nineteen, but when I was sixteen and we had only known each other for a few short months, he gave this to me," she says as she pulls out a gold locket from beneath her clothes.

"It's beautiful, Mari," I murmur.

"Mmm...Thank you. It was his promise to me, you see. So we have being _engaged_ for nearly ten years. We hope to marry after the expedition," she says.

"Mmm...Tell me about this expedition... Carver hasn't mentioned much except that you need to invest fifty sovereigns."

"Fifty sovereigns is a lot of coin to try and make in this city, Merrill and it has not been easy, but we are nearly there. My mother was ecstatic about the will, Merrill. She wants to petition the Viscount after the expedition to reclaim her home," she says.

"So this expedition is...important?" I ask.

"Extremely...She deserves better than what we are in. She has been through so much over the years. The death of my father, losing Beth as we did...I want to give her the life she deserves."

"When are you going on this expedition?" I ask. I am anxious because I don't want Carver to go with them.

"Not for a while. We still have much to do," she replies.

"Have you decided who you will be taking along?" I ask.

"Well, that is why I called everyone here and here they came," she says, motioning to the door. Aveline walks in followed by Fenris. Isabela joins us followed by Carver who places my mug of cider in front of me and lastly, Varric joins us.

"Hey, love," Anders greets Marian.

"Andy..." she murmurs. They share a brief kiss and I smile at them.

"Hey you," Carver murmurs as he places his hand on my thigh.

"_Emma lath_," I murmur and he shakes his head. He leans closer.

"I know what that means, my love," he murmurs and I giggle. He kisses my cheek before he leans back in his chair. He grabs my hand and places it on his thigh.

"Before I start, I have something for my brother who cannot keep his eyes off Merrill," Marian announces and I blush as I meet her light blue eyes. I see no jealousy there anymore and I wonder if they haven't resolved their issues and if they have, why hasn't he told me?

"What do you have for me, Sister?" he asks.

"Well, while we cleared out the Amell cellar from the bottom up, I found this amulet in one of the chests. You, of course were too busy complaining about the Amell shield we found," she says and he looks away from her.

"Remember what you said, Carver? To carry that shield we would have to have the ties to back it up otherwise we will look old...Remember?" she asks.

"Get to the point, Marian otherwise I am going home...with Merrill," he snaps. Marian scowls at him, but she recovers herself.

"I found this amulet with this letter, Carver. It was addressed to Father," she says. He takes it from her and quickly peruses it, but he gives it back to her in disgust.

"Are you sure it isn't meant for you, Mari? I am sure a mage will get more out of if than me," he says. She peruses it again.

"No...It is definitely for you," she says. He snatches it back from her and peruses it again.

"_For your service that cannot be admitted, I asked that you accept this trinket, and know that I shall respect your name. Thank you, conscience of the Order, Ser Maurevar... Carver" _

"Carver?" he murmurs. He gapes at Marian, surprise evident on in his eyes.

"This is the templar who allowed Father to leave Kirkwall. Your namesake," she says.

"A templar? Have we met a templar who isn't a colossal prig?" he asks.

"Well, there you go then," she says.

"I wonder how it compares to yours," he comments.

"Hey, I am sure someone thought far too long about my name. The point is, is that the said templar was a swordsman," she says as she picks up her glass. She has a sip of her drink and she leans back in her chair. He reaches for the amulet and studies it.

"A man who let him look ahead. It would always mean _skill thoughtfully applied_. Not exactly master of all blades, but...Father actually thought there was worth in a swordsman. Thank you, Mari... It's...a connection I didn't think was there..." he murmurs. He picks up the amulet and studies. Then pendant is the flaming sword – the templar signia and my heart beats uncomfortably. His expression is delighted, but I am not pleased. I fold my hands in my lap and I stare at nothing in particular. I startle when I feel his hand on my thigh and I glance at him, but I can't even smile and he frowns.

"What –?" he starts saying when Marian interrupts us. He reaches for my hand, but I move them onto the table. _If he joins the templars, what am I going to do?_ He attempts reaching for my hand again, but I shake my head. I glance at him and his expression his hurt, but he doesn't touch me again.

"I know all of you are aware about this pending expedition...Well, most of you are aware... I would like to let you know that we are only short of ten sovereigns...And Varric is still looking out for any more work for me, but I called everyone here this evening to let you know that I have decided who will be accompanying me. Anders and Varric are definitely coming with me simply because it was Varric's suggestion we invest in this expedition and as for Anders, even though he dislikes the Deep Roads, he is adamant about coming with me and in all honesty, I want him to come with me...," she pauses and glances nervously at Carver. "I don't want you to be angry with me, Carver, but I have decided not to include you on this expedition." There is absolute silence and I feel the tension and anger radiate off his body. I want to reach for his hand, but I am too afraid. I glance at him and his blue eyes are flashing dangerously.

"What?" he hisses.

"Carver, I am not including you simply because I cannot risk it. We don't know what we are going to face and I don't want Mother to lose another child," she says.

"So you think leaving me behind is the solution?" he says.

"Don't be so bloody self-centred, Carver. You told me the other day that you needed to get away from me so that you can find your own. I am not taking you because of Mother... She is still trying to come to terms with losing Bethany. How do you think she is going to feel if something happens to either of us? Do you think it is fair on her, Carver?" she asks.

"Marian," he mutters.

"Carver, what does she mean that you need to get away from her?" I ask.

"I...We...I need to get away from her, Merrill. I have my reasons...Reasons I am not willing to share just yet," he replies.

"Why not, Carver? You told me you love me, yet you can't be upfront about whatever it is that is going on between you and Mari..." I murmur.

"I do love you, Merrill, but I am not yet ready to tell you everything. I told you have I have secrets and I am not willing to share them just yet...I love you too much to do that and I am afraid you might end things with me, if I do..." he explains. He seeks out my hand and grabs it before I can snatch it away.

"_Ma'arlath_, Merrill..._Ma'arlath_...Why do you doubt me?" he whispers and the pain in his voice tugs at my heart.

"I do not doubt you, Carver. I just want to understand and I can't until you tell me and until then, I don't know...I just don't know," I reply.

"What is that supposed to mean?" he murmurs. He has wrapped his hands firmly around mine.

"I...Carver...I need time," I murmur knowing it will hurt him and it does. He blinks rapidly as if he is trying to prevent his tears from falling.

"No...Merrill...Please don't do this...I love you...I...love...you," he murmurs.

"I don't want to, but I have to..." I murmur.

"No...My love, please...I will tell you, but I can't just yet... Please, please give me a chance," he murmurs and it is a heartfelt plea. I stare into his eyes that are full of love for me and there is also deep sadness and profound loss as well.

"What are you hiding from me, emma lath?" I whisper.

"Hold on..." Marian says and I nearly jump out of my seat. I forgot they were here and I blush. They have heard everything and know the extent of what we feel for each other and I want nothing more than to go home with my Carver. I reach for his hand and entwine our fingers. I don't want to end things with him...I just need time...

"Mari, next time be a bit more diplomatic," Anders murmurs.

"I...I know...I apologise, Carver," she says.

"It's too late, Mari. The damage has been done and if she walks away from me, I am going to lay the blame on you," Carver mutters.

"Carver, I don't want to walk away from you...I just wish you would tell me," I murmur.

"And I will, when I am ready...I am too afraid," he whispers.

"Okay...Okay...Just promise me that you will tell me?" I murmur.

"I promise," he murmurs. We stare gaze at each for a while and that electrical charge is there again. I want to reassure him. I slip off my seat and climb onto his lap.

"I won't walk away from you, Carver. I love you too much," I murmur.

"Oh Merrill, I love you," he whispers and I kiss him.

"_Ma'arlath_," I murmur against his lips and he smiles.

"_Ma'arlath_, Merri," he murmurs.

"So you are going to take along?" Ander asks.

"Aveline...If she doesn't mind," Mari replies.

"Me? Why?" she asks.

"We need a good sword arm, Aveline," she replies.

"Fine...I will go with you, but Donnic won't be pleased," she says.

"Mmm...Who is Donnic?" I ask.

"A good friend of mine, Merrill... We assisted him in Lowtown a few days ago." she replies.

"Is he okay?" I ask.

"Yes, thanks to Anders' capable hands," she replies.

"Mmm...I know all about his capable hands," I tease.

"Yes, I heard about that. You will be pleased to know that we arrested the bastards...They won't see the light of day again for a long time," she says.

"Are you sure about this, Mari?" Carver asks.

"Yes...I would rather you stay behind...for Mother," she replies.

"Oh alright, but I am going to have find some sort of employment. The city guard won't have me," he says as he picks up the note his sister gave to him. He reads it again and then he glances at me. I realise what he is thinking and my heart sinks.

"What about us?" I murmur.

"Then can still be an us...We just won't be able to see each other that often. I need to work, Merri...I can't sit around doing nothing. I am a skilled swordsman and I used to be in the army back in Lothering. I was even made Captain and I was only sixteen...I fought at Ostagar as did Aveline...," he says.

"But -?" I murmur. He gently presses his finger against my lip.

"I first have to apply and then we can take it from there...Now why don't we enjoy the rest of our evening?" he suggests. I realise the topic is closed for now. I slip off his lap and seat myself in my chair. I once again stare at nothing in particular. I can't enjoy myself and I have had enough. I want to go home. I abruptly stand, but as I am about to walk away, he grabs my hand.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"Home...To think," I reply. He stands and slips his arms around my waist.

"I will walk with you," he murmurs.

"Fine," I mutter. We say our goodbyes and all too soon we are at home. I wander into my bedroom and I sit down.

"Would you like me to stay?" he asks hopefully.

"If you want to," I reply.

"Of course I want to...I want to spend the rest of the evening with _emma'asha_," he murmurs. I actually smile because he is a natural when it comes to the elvish language.

"_Emma' lath_," I murmur, as he sits next to me. He reaches for my hand and moves it onto his lap and he plays with my fingers. He brings my hand to his lips and he trails feather light kisses along my knuckles, but I pull my hand away.

"I'm going to sleep, Carver," I murmur. I crawl under the covers and I turn on my side facing the wall. I know he is confused and hurt by my reaction, but the mere thought that he might be considering the life of a templar over a life with me is upsetting. I feel him sit up. If he goes home, I couldn't be bothered. I hear the rustling of his clothes, him kicking off his boots and I realise he is going to stay. He climbs into bed and turns me towards him.

"I know you are upset with me, but I have to find my way...I have to earn my keep, Merrill," he murmurs.

"And you think joining the Templar Order is _the_ answer? Have you forgotten what I am, Carver? We will not be able to _be together_ if you join the Order. Is that what you want?" I ask.

"I...I don't know what I want...I am so confused about things and I have so many issues that just confuse me even more," he replies.

"And you won't even talk to me about _your issues_ either..." I murmur.

"Merrill... You are not going to want to be with me if I tell you," he says.

"How do you know what I want? And when are you going to realise that I love you?" I ask. I search his face for any sign of doubt, but all I find is uncertainty.

"Fine...If you are going to be so stubborn, then that's fine. I am going to sleep," I mutter. I turn onto my side away from him and I close my eyes. He turns away from me until his back is pressed against me and my tears fall. I hug my pillow and will sleep to come. It does...eventually and I fall into a dreamless sleep.

o0o

_I awake and_ feel around for him, but all I find is a cold empty bed. I turn onto my back and stare at the ceiling. An overwhelming sense of loneliness surrounds me. He has left me and the pain is unbearable. I sit up and fumble around for something to wrap around myself. I find my cloak the Keeper gave to me. I climb out of bed and wander into the living room. I feel numb as if a large part of me is missing and my tears fall unchecked. I fill a mug with water and I stare out of the window. The sun is just peeking through the topmost branches of the Vhenadahl. He has left me after all his promises and words of love, he has left me and I think back to the conversation Marian and I had when I first arrived in Kirkwall. She warned me about him and I didn't heed her advice and now my heart feels as if it is breaking. I glare at my mug and I throw it across the room where it bounces off the wall and onto the floor, sloshing water all over the place. I wander aimlessly into my room and I curl myself into a ball on my bed and I weep. How could I even consider a shemlen loving me? How could I misread his signs to this extent yet the Keeper said he loved me and he had told me so numerous times since then? I am so confused and I want nothing more than to be comforted by the Keeper, but that is unlikely... I stretch myself out and turn onto my side. Through my misty eyes I notice a piece of parchment on the desk. I jump up and anxiety claws at my stomach. I pick up the note and peruse it:

_Emma'lath_

_I need time to think about things and what I really want because right now I don't know what I want. I am very confused about things at the moment. I know you are hurting, but...Merrill...I...Shit...I can't be with you right now. My head is messed up and everything is in a jumble. I am sorry for the pain you are feeling, but I need time...I need time... I do love you, Merrill, don't doubt that, but time is what I need and I ask for your patience._

_Ma'arlath..._

_Carver_

I can't believe it. He has ended our relationship. My heart clenches painfully and it takes every ounce of my strength not to use my magic that is stirring beneath my skin. I scrunch the note and throw it onto the desk and I sink to my knees. I don't understand. He loves, yet he can't be with me right now... What does that mean? I bury my head in my hands and I weep...I weep for emma'lath and the pain spreads from my heart to the rest of my body and I feel and empty... I was foolish to think he ever loved me.

"I love him... I love him..." I murmur knowing that no-one else can hear me...I pick up the note and read it again and I stumble onto the bed. He has really left me. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't even know what to think. I am numb to the core. He has left me...Creators help me," I murmur.

o0o

_I am startled_ out of my reverie by someone knocking on my door and I scramble to my feet, hoping it will be Carver. I run into the living room and swing the door open and my excitement dissipates leaving me feeling empty and I fall to my knees.

"Merrill, what is it?" Isabela asks. I am too upset and disappointed to answer and I all I do is shrug my shoulders.

"It's Carver, isn't it? What has he done?" she says. I pass her his note.

"The bastard! I will have his balls for this, Merrill. After all he said to you last night, he ends it. The flaming bastard...That man is screwed up, Merrill. He lets the one good thing go just so he can sort through his issues. The bastard..." she mutters. I look at her and I actually smile. She looks hilarious with her flashing brown eyes and exasperated expression.

"Flaming bastard?" I manage when I start laughing.

"Yes...The flaming bastard. I have other words which are more suited to the likes of him, Kitten," she says as she reaches for my hands and pulls me to my feet.

"But, how are you?" she asks, concerned. I lower my gaze to my hands that are clasped tightly together. I didn't even realise I was doing that.

"How do you think I feel, Isabela? The man I love has left me. How do you think I feel?" I whisper. I sit down. "All he has told me is meaningless. I don't think he really loves me... How can he when he has unresolved issues with his sister?"

"Oh...You noticed?" she asks.

"Yes, of course I noticed. They couldn't be more obvious even if they tried and he is hiding something from me and he won't tell me what it is, but it keeps coming up...I can't stand it...And...And I really thought he wanted to be with me, but now I am not so sure," I reply.

"And I know as much as you do. The Hawke siblings are very private about their family affairs," she says.

"And Anders knows, Isabela. He knows, yet he loves Marian. Why can't Carver love me in that way?" I ask.

"Because he is screwed up...He has a lot of emotional issues and at times he can be very aggressive," she says.

"I...I have never seen that side of him...He is gentle with me...And we haven't made love yet, either...I suppose that is just as well," I murmur.

"What?" She raises an eyebrow in apparent surprise.

"We haven't made love yet, Isabela..." I murmur.

"Well, that is surprising..." she says and for no reason at all, I feel annoyed.

"You don't know him, Isabela. He is gentle, kind and caring. All you did was _rut_," I mutter. I stand and move to the table near the fire. I throw in a few vegetables and potatoes and I light the fire using magic. I turn around and stalk into my bedroom. I throw of my cloak and put on a clean outfit. I smile sadly at my empty room. He didn't leave anything behind and the pain I feel at this thought is crippling.

"Why?" I murmur, folding my arms around myself. I miss him so much already and the need to see him is overwhelming. I grab my cloak, wrap it around myself and I bolt into the living room. Isabela is perusing one of my books and she is frowning.

"I can't read any of this...," she mutters.

"Well, that is because it is written in elvish," I explain as I give my food a quick stir. She looks at me and frowns.

"His note had similar words..." she says.

"That is because I taught him, Isabela," I explain and another pain of sadness overwhelms me and deep longing unfurls in the pit of my stomach. I wander to the window and I stare distractedly at the elves going about their daily business and it is such a beautiful day.

"I'm going outside for a while..." I murmur. I don't wait for her response as I close the door behind me. I wander past the tree and I ascend the stairs the stairs. I want to see him. I don't care if he doesn't want to be with him, but I need to see him. I hasten my step and before long, I am standing by the door of his uncle's house. As I am about to knock, the door swings open and Marian strides out, followed by Anders. She is pale and her lips are swollen and her hair is more untidy than usual. Anders grabs her hand and pulls her into his arms and that is when I notice his mouth is pressed in a thin hard line.

"You don't have to come here anymore, sweetie. I won't allow him to touch you again," he murmurs.

"Take me home, Anders. Please take me home," she murmurs. He lifts her into his arms and without looking at me, he strides down the stairs without acknowledging me and he is gone, around the corner and I assume he is taking her to his Clinic. The door is still open and I warily enter. I search the room only to find Leandra sitting in her chair, looking extremely distressed and I frown. _What has happened? Do I even want to know?_ I quietly approach her.

"Leandra?" I murmur. She looks at me and the tears are rolling down her cheeks.

"You...You should go, Merrill," she murmurs.

"What happened to Mari?" I murmur.

"Merrill, please, you should go...Please," she murmurs as she grabs my hand and with a sinking feeling, I realise what has transpired and white hot anger courses through my body. I release her hand and I stride to his bedroom door.

"Merrill, please," she murmurs, but I ignore her as I open the door. He has his back to me and he is pulling on his shorts.

"Carver?" I whisper. He straightens himself and he slowly turns around to face me. His hair is wild and unruly and his eyes are sparkling and he has a smug smile on his face and he looks arrogant. My knees begin to shake...

"Carver?" I murmur. He says nothing; he just stares as if he can't quite believe it. His smug expression changes into one of horror and mortification.

"How could you?" I barely whisper, the realisation hitting me in my stomach, leaving me breathless.

"Your own sister?" I can't hide the tremble in my voice.

"I...I...I told you I was a bad person...I warned you, Merrill," he whispers hoarsely.

"That doesn't excuse what you did to her... I've just seen her and she looks absolutely terrible... How could you have sex with her?" I blurt out.

"It...It was consensual," he mutters.

"I don't believe you, Carver. She is in a state and it is your entire fault. You are right. I can't do this anymore. We are over and your words of love don't mean a thing when all you have wanted is your own sister! Is that what you are hiding? Did you screw Bethany over as well?" The words come out in a rush and I don't quite know where my courage has come from. He looks away from me. He falls to his knees and he buries his head in his hands.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs and the pain in his voice tugs at my heart and I want nothing more than to comfort him...I move towards him. He slowly lifts his head until my green eyes meet his blue ones. There is so much pain and sadness in his eye and it tugs at me heart. I love this man and his pain is very real and I feel it in my heart.

"Why?" I murmur as I attempt to reach for his hand, but he backs as far away from me as he can and he looks at me with such vulnerability.

"Oh, _emma lath_," I murmur.

"I am not worthy of your love, Merrill," he whispers. I make a move towards him again, but he holds up his hands. "Don't... Please don't," he whispers. I ignore him. I reach for his hands, but he moves away from me.

"It's over...I can't love you, Merrill..." he murmurs. I recoil away from him and quickly get to my feet. I exit his bedroom. Leandra is standing by the kitchen door...

"Merrill..." she says. I shake my head and run out. The tears are flowing freely and I can't see where I am going. I just hope I find my way home. I stumble and nearly fall, but I manage to keep my balance. I find my way into the Alienage and I run straight into someone.

"Shit, Merrill..." It's Isabela and I fling my arms around her and I weep. "Oh Kitten, what happened?" she asks kindly. I shake my head because it is not something I can talk about.

"It's over, Isabela. It's really over," I wail.

"Oh the bastard. I will have his balls for this," she murmurs.

"No...Please leave him alone. He is coping with something I don't understand and I don't think he understands it himself," I sob.

"But, Merrill...He can't...I won't allow him to get away with this," she says.

"No! I said _no_!" I blurt out as I shove her away from me. I glare at her... "You will leave him alone," I warn.

"Why?" she says.

"Because I said so, now if you don't mind, I would like to go home and heal my wounded heart," I mutter as I push past her. I don't look back and I breathe a sigh of relief as I close my door behind me.


	8. Healing Carver Chapter 8

**Chapter 08**

_It is a_ beautiful evening, but the air is cool. The _Vhenadahl_ leaves are gold and brown in colour and they are falling gently to the ground in the cool breeze. It has been about a month since I saw Carver at his Uncle's home and Marian had not returned home. She is sitting in front of the fire, deep in thought and Anders is at the table keeping his eye on her. I close my door to keep the breeze out and I sit beside her.

"Mari, how are you?" I murmur. She glances at me. She is so pale and there are dark circles around her eyes. I can only assume she has not been sleeping well.

"I'm not sure...," she replies, glancing at Anders who quickly joins us. He sits behind her and she snuggles into him.

"You look terrible," I murmur.

"I know." She laughs.

"Would you like to hear me play the lute?" I ask.

"Mmm...Yes...Carver told me you play beautifully," she murmurs. I wrap my arms around myself in an effort to keep my pain overwhelming me.

"Oh...Shit...I am so sorry, Merrill... I didn't," she trails away. She swallows hard and she clenches her jaw. "It's my fault," she whispers. "I thought it would help and all I have achieved has made it worse for everyone."

"No...No...Love...I shouldn't have allowed it to happen in the first place. It's my fault," he murmurs. I jump to my feet and glare at them.

"It is not anyone's fault, but his own. He should have realised...He should have stopped himself, Mari, but he didn't even when you said no...Even if it was initially consensual, he should have stopped when you said no," I murmur. "So please don't blame yourself...You are not responsible for his issues. He brought it upon himself. I don't know the whole story, but I know enough to realise that he brought it upon himself and it doesn't help matters..." I murmur. I walk away from them. "I love him, Marian... I love him," I murmur as I rub my eyes. Creators help me, but I miss him so much. I miss his warmth, his smile and his efforts at speaking my native language. I miss his laughter and I miss his touch.

"Shit, he really has got under your skin, hasn't he?" she murmurs.

"You have no idea, Mari..." I murmur and suddenly I feel exhausted. "I'm going to bed. You are welcome to stay if you want," I murmur. I wander into my room and close the door behind me. I climb under my covers without taking off my clothes and I close my eyes and an image of Carver appears and he is happy. I smile as I turn onto my side. I imagine his hard lean body against my back and my stomach clenches deliciously at the thought. I loved falling asleep wrapped in his arms and sometimes I would fall asleep on his chest. I smile as an image of him kissing me comes to mine and it connects with my longing for him. My hands wander ever close to my longing, but a noise startles me. I bolt out of bed and tiptoe to my bedroom door. I open it just a crack and by the firelight, I see Anders and Marian locked in an intimate embrace. He is gazing down at her. He says something to her and she smiles. She slips her arms around his neck, drawing him closer and he kisses her. I close my door before I see anything more and my longing intensifies further. I climb into bed and I bury myself right under my blankets. I need to sleep. I force myself to relax and I allow my mind to drift...

o0o

_I am startled_ awake by someone knocking on my door and I sigh. It is just after midnight and I don't want to get up to see who it is, but the knocking persists. I sigh again as I slip out of bed. I tiptoe to my door and open it. My living room is empty and it is cold. Marian and Anders are not here and I realise that they probably went home. I conjure a fireball and it bobs to the fireplace.

"Merrill, open up...I need to speak to you." I can't believe what I am hearing. He is here, but why? I quickly open the door and he stumbles into my living room and nearly sends me flying. The stench of mead and something else emanates off him in waves and I scrunch my nose in disgust. He stumbles into the nearest chair and smiles goofily at me, and I am not amused.

"What do you want?" I ask as I fill the pot with water.

"I...I wanted to see _emma'asha_," he murmurs.

"I am no longer your girl, Carver. You ended it, remember?" I mutter. I can't hide my irritation. I open my cupboard and grab elfroot leaves and tea leaves and spindleweed. I throw them into the pot and I stir vigorously. I chance looking at him and he appears confused and a bit hurt.

"You heard me, Carver... You ended it. You said you can't...love me," I murmur. My heart is beating loudly and my stomach is in knots. I have never felt so tense in my life.

"I...I was wrong..." he murmurs.

"Well, it is too late...Do you expect me to forget what you said, Carver? And besides, you are drunk, so I can't believe a word you are saying," I mutter. I turn back to my tea and I continue stirring. I add an herb that will sweeten it. I taste it and I grin. I grab two mugs and fill them to the brim with the liquid. I push a mug into his hand.

"Drink...It will clear you head," I order. I sit opposite him and I slowly drink my tea. I am not drunk, but I need something to calm my nerves.

"What is it?" he asks. He warily sniffs it and I laugh.

"Just drink it, trust me," I murmur. He shrugs his shoulders and drinks it in one go. He pushes his mug aside and leans forward in his chair. He stretches his legs out and they make contact with mine. I cannot ignore the pleasant tingle that his touch has invoked and I react by clutching tightly to my mug with both hands. He reaches across and gently grasps my hands.

"Merri, I am sorry for being such a _flaming bastard_."

I throw my head back and laugh. "So, Isabela had a few words with you?"

"Well, yes...," he replies. I see a ghost of a smile playing on his lips.

"Did she have _your balls_ as well?" I cannot resist asking. His mouth curls into a smile and he chuckles.

"She tried..." he replies.

"What?" I can't hide the jealousy that has crept into my voice.

"She tried...and failed...rather miserably, I might add," he says.

"She called you a _flaming bastard_?" I murmur.

"Yes and many other things, but I don't wish to repeat them here. Not to you, Merrill...Not to my beautiful Merrill," he murmurs.

"But you slept with your sister, Carver..." I whisper.

"I know that and she is not going to forgive me and believe me, my mother is less than impressed with me," he murmurs.

"Do you blame her? Do you blame Mari for the way she feels about the whole thing?" I murmur.

"No...I was a right royal bastard, Merrill and I only hope she will forgive me some day. All she has ever wanted is a healthy brother-sister relationship with me and I have messed it up," he says as he stands. He comes around to my side of the table and holds out his hand.

"Please dance with me?" he whispers.

"What? We are in the middle of something and you..." I trail away because he is looking at me in the way that makes my knees go weak.

"I know...Please forgive me..." he murmurs.

"Why?" I ask.

"Because I am truly sorry and because I am hopelessly in love with you and for the simple reason that I love you..._Ma'arlath_," he murmurs and I realise that I will forgive him because of the simple fact that I love him. I take his proffered hand. I expect him to dance with me as he said, but he pulls me into his arms. He gazes at me with his ever-changing eyes that are full of emotion and I realise that he really does love me.

"Please forgive me_, emma__'_ _lath_," he murmurs.

"Oh Carver, I do forgive you, but it still hurts... How am I to trust you not to hurt me again?" I murmur.

"Please have a little faith in me, _emma' lath_... I will work through my feelings in good time... And it is going to take time," he murmurs.

"I don't care how long it takes you, Carver, I love you and that is all that matters," I murmur.

"Oh Merri, my love," he murmurs as he kisses me. I feel his hands along the curve of my back moving downwards and he curls his hands around my buttocks. I stretch towards him and slip my arms around his neck, deepening our kiss. He moves his hand along my back to my neck where he curls it around me. He lifts me with his free arm and I wrap my legs around his waist. He walks to my room and he lowers me onto the bed. He darts his tongue into my mouth and he begins his exploration. He slides his tongue along my teeth and he deepens the kiss. I skim my hands along his back and I revel in the way his back ripples and tenses and I smile.

"Mmm...Do share," he murmurs.

"No," I murmur, drawing him in for another kiss. He runs his hands along my arms, to my neck.

"You are so beautiful and you smell so good," he murmurs. He trails feather light kisses from my mouth to my jawline eliciting low sounds of approval from me. He skims his fingers along my side, to the hem of my chemise and he slides his hand under it. I moan at the contact of his hand against my overheated skin. He moves his hands upwards and cups my breast. He squeezes it as he thumbs my nipple and it hardens instantly. He moves back to my mouth where he seeks entrance and I oblige him. I have reached the hem of his shirt and I slowly pull it up. I want to feel his skin against mine. He realises it because he sits up and pulls off his shirt and I press my hands against his chest. He closes his eyes exhales slowly. He pulls me up and removes my chemise. He sits back on his legs and he studies me appreciatively.

"Still so beautiful," he murmurs. He pulls me flush against him and he kisses me. He gently lowers me onto the bed. Our kiss deepens and I am all too aware of his erection pressing against my stomach. I skim my fingers along his back, to his hips and I move them to the front and I unbuckle his belt. He wriggles out of his pants and I slide my hand into his shorts and I close it over his erection.

"Sweet maker," he murmurs. He comes back to me and kisses me again while I tease him. He groans into my mouth and more than anything I want him to make love to me. I grab his hand and press it against me and he gives me a surprised look. I nod and he smiles. He slowly removes my underwear and he tosses it aside. He lowers himself onto me until his erection is pressing against me and I groan. He moves slightly and I groan again. He kisses me again and he slowly eases a finger into me. I reach for his erection and continue stroking him. He eases his finger in and out a few times and then he eases a second finger into me. He pushes harder and I bite back tears. It is so sore even though it is his fingers. It is so sore.

"Carver, please," I murmur.

"What?" he murmurs.

"Please," I murmur and I allow my tears to flow.

"Merrill, I won't hurt you...You just need to relax," he whispers.

"No...I'm not ready for this...Please...It's sore," I whimper. He gazes at me; the concern evident in his eyes. He kisses my forehead and slowly withdraws his fingers.

"_Emma lath_, _emma abelas_," he murmurs. I smile, despite my lingering pain. He speaks the language so well. He rolls off me and lies on his back. He sighs and I realise he is disappointed and frustrated and a wicked thought enters my mind. I have learnt a lot from Isabela over the last month and there is something I want to try.

"Hey," I murmur as I scoot over to his legs and I remove his shorts. I warily reach for his erection and I look at him for reassurance. He raises himself onto his elbows.

"You really don't have to...If you are not comfortable," he murmurs.

"_Emma' lath_, I want to," I murmur.

"Mmm...Are you sure you know what you are doing?" he asks, amused.

"No, but I am willing to try. I have learnt a few things from a certain pirate queen," I reply and his expression changes to one of horror.

"Mmm...You just relax. I haven't been with anyone, _emma'lath_ because it is you I love," I murmur. He breathes a sigh of relief.

"I hate to know what else she has taught you...And come to think of it, I am going to give her a piece of my mind," he murmurs.

"If you feel you must, but _emma'lath_, please?" I murmur. He grins at me. I gently stroke his erection and he groans low in his throat. I position myself between his legs and I take a deep breath. _I hope I do this right..._

o0o

"_Sweet maker, Merrill,"_ he murmurs. I scoot next to him and lean on my elbow. His eyes are bright and his cheeks are flushed. I grin foolishly at him, yet I am secretly pleased with myself for being able to pleasure him in such a way. I kiss his forehead before I get up. I need to clean myself.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it, Carver," I murmur.

"Hey," he murmurs. He scrambles off the bed and grabs my arm. He swings me around and pulls me into his arms. He nuzzles my hair and breathes deeply.

"That was the best surprise, _emma__'__lath_. Unexpected, but a surprise, nevertheless," he murmurs.

"Mmm...So," I trail away. I look up at him.

"What?" he murmurs.

"Where do we go from here?" I ask.

"Where do you want to go from here?" he asks.

"Are you still going to join the Templar Order?" I ask. He steps back and takes a deep breath.

"I have applied, but I am still waiting to hear if they will accept my application," he replies.

"So I can't change your mind?" I warily ask.

"Mmm...Hawkes are stubborn by nature, Merrill..." he says, smiling.

"Hey, I think I know how stubborn a Hawke can be, after all I am still waiting for a certain Hawke to open up," I murmur.

"Mmm...And he will when he is ready... Please don't fret about it, Merrill... All in good time... I've just got you back and I don't want to lose you again... The last month has been awful... I have never felt so lonely in my life and oftentimes I wanted to visit you. I needed to visit you, but I backed out each time," he murmurs.

"Mmm...Until tonight," I murmur.

"Well, I am not entirely pleased that I rocked up here drunk, but I had to see you," he murmurs.

"Oh Carver, I have missed you so much...I have missed your smile, your laughter, your warmth," I murmur.

"And I have missed everything about you, _emma__'__lath_... Your carefree nature, your dancing, your lute, your smile and I have missed the way you curl you hand into mine," he murmurs.

"Where to now, Carver?" I ask.

"I want you back, Merrill... I know that joining the Templar Order is going to make things difficult for us, but I need to earn a living... I need to find my own way..." he replies.

"Mmm...You want me back? How are we going to make it work, Carver? I am a mage and if you join the Templars, then what?" I ask.

"I...I honestly don't know, Merrill. All I know is that I love you and I want you by my side. Yes, I know it is going to be difficult, but surely we can make it work somehow?" he asks.

"I...I don't know if we can," I reply.

"Don't say that, Merrill... Please give me a chance...Please?" he murmurs. He releases me and sinks to the floor. "Please, _emma__'__lath_? I know I was a bastard, but I love you..." he whispers.

"I love you, you are _emma sa'lath_ and _emma vhenan_," I murmur and his eyes widen in surprise. He reaches for my hands and pulls me down so that I am kneeling opposite him.

"_Emma sa'lath_? _Emma vhenan_?" he murmurs.

"Yes..." I reply. He wraps his arms around me.

"So you are willing to try?" he asks.

"Yes...Yes I am... I realise it is going to be difficult, but I am willing to give it a chance. I am willing to give you the chance, _emma' lath_ because _ma'arlath_," I murmur.

"Oh Merri..._Ma serannas_," he murmurs. He releases me and grabs my hand. He leads me into the bathroom. He fills the basin with water and he grabs a cloth. He dips it into the water and he faces me, holding up the cloth and there is naughty glint in his eyes.

"What?" I murmur. I suddenly feel self-conscious and I want to hide, but he touches my nose.

"There is no need to feel embarrassed," he murmurs.

"I can't help it..." I murmur.

"Hey, it's me, your Carver, remember?" he says and I laugh.

"That's my girl," he murmurs. He gently cleans my face and then he moves to my body. I shiver as he squeezes water onto my chest and it runs between my breasts. He follows the trail it is has left with the cloth and he very gently washes me. He turns me around and cups my breasts that disappear into his hands.

"Mmm...So beautiful and you are mine," he whispers. He suddenly turns me around and crushes his lips to mine and he kisses me hard and my body explodes. I find myself fisting my hands into his hair. He lifts me and I wrap my legs around his waist. He wraps his arms around me as our kiss intensifies and it is not long until his erection is pressing into my stomach and I rock upwards and against it.

"No," he moans and it only encourages me and I do it again.

"No," he moans. He gently releases me and sets me down. He turns away from me and curses under his breath.

"Too much?" I tease. I grab his fallen cloth and I reach around and I wash his stomach and I move my hands down and I reach for him.

"Don't be such a tease, Merri," he murmurs. He gently grabs my hand and he turns around. "I want you so much," he murmurs.

"So do I...I mean I would like you to, but I am afraid..." I whisper.

"Mmm and I can't make love to you if you feel like that...I want you relaxed and you need to trust me...The time will come when we will take that step and I want it to be something special," he murmurs.

"Mmm...So do I," I murmur. I yawn and turn away from him. I feel very tired and I want nothing more than to crawl into bed with my Carver. He grabs my, seemingly realising what it is I want, and he leads me to my room. I don't even bother putting on my chemise. I just crawl under the covers and close my eyes. He climbs in after me and he wraps his arm around me.

He kisses my shoulder. "_Ma'arlath_," he murmurs.

"_Ma'arlath_," I murmur.

"Sleep well, Merrill," he murmurs. I turn around and press myself into his frame and he wraps both arms around me.

"You to, _emma lath_," he murmurs. He gives me a chaste kiss and I snuggle into him. I close my eyes and I am comforted by the knowledge that he is with me and that he will be here in the morning.

o0o

_A delicious smell_ invades my sleep and I open my eyes, leaving behind the very pleasant dream I was having back in the _Beyond_. I instinctively feel around for him and my heart nearly sinks, but the sound of Carver whistling allays my fear. I jump out of bed and I grab my cloak on the way out of my room and I find him at the fire, cooking. I am surprised. I didn't know he could cook. I tiptoe up to him and slip my arms around his waist. He straightens himself and turns around. He smiles warmly at me as he slips his arms around me.

"Hey beautiful," he murmurs. He leans towards me and I stand on my tiptoes to meet him halfway and he gently kisses me.

"Mmm...Carver," I whisper.

"Did you sleep well?" he asks after releasing me and turning back to his cooking.

"Did you?" I murmur.

"I haven't slept so well since the last time I was with you," he replies.

"Me neither," I murmur. I peek past him to see what he is cooking. There are vegetables and meat and potatoes and I gape at him.

"Um...Is the market open this time of the morning?" I ask.

"No...I went home, _emma'lath_ before you awoke. We have made enough sovereigns for the expedition. We have more than enough left for ourselves," he replies.

"How do you know this...Because as far I as am aware, Marian hasn't been at home for a while," I point out.

"I spoke to Varric the other day and he told me. In fact, he had the extra sovereigns she made. Apparently she told him that when he sees me, he must give them to me which he did and I took it out to my mother... My mother is very annoyed with me, Merrill. She has told me that I need to speak to Marian and apologise," he says.

"Well, I think you should, Carver. She was here last night with Anders... Do you know she blames herself?" I ask.

"Really? She was here last night? What for?" he asks.

"We are friends, Carver. We have spent a lot of time together, so I know how she feels because she constantly speaks about it...All she has ever wanted is your friendship, Carver, not this...whatever it is you want to call it," I murmur. He finally turns around to look at me and his expression is determined.

"I want nothing more than friendship with her, Merrill... She is my sister and I love her... I don't know if she will forgive me for this, but at the same time, I need to apologise..." he says.

"You have to start somewhere, Carver...I don't know what else transpired between you two and I don't really want to know, but you owe it to her to apologise..."

"Mmm...You are right, _emma'lath_. I will see about speaking to her today. My mother misses her terribly...I guess I have to swallow my pride...Shit, I was such an arse, Merrill. I still don't understand why I didn't stop when she said no...I just...continued and she was in such distress... Oh Merrill, I am such a bastard...My dominant side was very much prevalent...I was rough with her...I may have even physically hurt her...I don't know...I can't remember..." he murmurs.

"Carver, you need to resolve this with her especially if there is a possibility of you and me having a future together..." I whisper.

"Oh Merrill, I want a future with you, but things are so complicated at the moment and if I am accepted into the Templar Order, I am going, Merrill. I have to...And it doesn't mean I love you any less...Shit...I love you more than my own life, but I need to find my way and I don't want to go on the expedition. I don't want my Mother to lose another child. Losing Beth was painful enough and I cannot do that to her..." he murmurs.

"_Emma'lath_, then we need to make the most of the time we have together...I...I don't want to think about you joining the Templars...It's too painful...," I murmur.

"Mmm...And I want to make the most of the time I have with you...We can still see each other. We can even write and I am sure the templars are allowed to return home once a month to spend time with their families and loved ones," he says.

"I hope so, Carver...I really hope so," I whisper.

"Come here, sweetie," he murmurs as he enfolds me in his arms. "I love you, Merrill..."

"I love you to..," I murmur. He kisses my hair and gently releases me.

"Breakfast will be served shortly," he announces with a flourish.


	9. Healing Carver Chapter 9

**Chapter 09**

"_Why do you need me_ to go with you to tell your Mother and sister your news, Carver? You know they are both going to be annoyed with you and Marian is going to think you are betraying her...again," I murmur as we wander through the Lowtown streets.

"Because I want you by my side, Merrill...We are together and don't couples who are together do things together?" he asks.

"How would I know? You went ahead and accepted the offer the Order made to you without discussing it with me," I reply. He suddenly stops and I stumble over my feet. I frown at him and swat him on the arm.

"Don't do that, Carver. Next time I might seriously hurt myself," I mutter.

"Oh _emma'lath_, _emma__'__abelas_," he murmurs. He gently wraps his arms around my waist and we continue walking.

"I forgive you..." I whisper.

"Mmm...I know you do," he murmurs. We ascend the stairs leading up to Gamlen's house and we walk in. Both Marian and Anders are sitting at the table with Leandra and when Marian sees Carver, her face darkens considerably and the pain in her eyes is apparent. She has not forgiven her brother for what he did to her. I study her closely. She is pale and there are dark circles around her eyes. Her cheeks appear rounder and she has a glow about her. I want to go further in, but Carver has frozen next to me. The two siblings stare at each other until she bolts out of the room. I hear her heaving in the next room. I glance questionably at Anders who can't hide his smile, but he is not forthcoming.

"Carver, come on," I mutter. I drag him into the room and he sits down. We sit in silence until Marian comes back holding a glass of water.

"Are you ill?" I ask.

"No...I've just been feeling out of sorts for the last couple of weeks or so and that is not a good thing considering we leave for the expedition next week," she replies.

"Creators, so soon? The last four months have flown by," I murmur and I suddenly realise that I have been in Kirkwall for nearly five months and I can't believe it.

"Yes...So soon. I'm not thrilled with the prospect, but the reward will be worth it," she says.

"And any news about your Mother's estate?" I ask.

"She will see the Viscount when I return from the expedition. We will be gone for about a month or so," she says. She suddenly grasps Anders' hand.

"Anders," she whimpers and she is up and running into the next room. I feel like smiling because it is obvious why she is sick. I catch Anders eyes, but his expression is impassive. She returns, this time, with a cloth and she wipes her face.

"Why are you here, Carver?" she says quietly.

"I...I...Please don't hate me...," he says.

"What? Why would I hate my own son?" Leandra asks.

"Mother, I've been accepted into the Templar Order. I will report for duty as soon as Marian returns from the Deep Roads Expedition," he replies.

"What? Why would you do such a thing?" she asks.

"Because I need to find my way, Mother and I can't do that at home...I need to become the man I want to be...The man I want to be for my beautiful Merrill... I just feel that discipline is the answer and it will help me regain my focus," he replies.

"You...You would betray your own sister?" Marian hisses.

"Of course you would think like that, Marian, but that is far from the truth and you know it...I can protect you, Anders and Merrill from a distance," he replies.

"You would betray you own sister? Why?" she asks.

"Because I happen to love my sister and I would do anything to protect her and Merrill, I don't mean that kind of love before you jump to conclusions," he whispers. I relax and reach for his hand and he relaxes.

"You...How?" Marian murmurs. I notice she is clutching the table very tightly and Anders reaches over and gives her a reassuring squeeze on her arm.

"Breathe, sweetie, breathe," he murmurs.

"Please try to understand my decision, Mari...I am not doing this to punish you or anything like that...I want to protect those I love and that is only way I can do it..." he says softly.

"I will never understand, Carver..." she says quietly.

"Always so bloody stubborn...You exasperate me, Mari...You told me the other day to let you go and that is exactly what I am doing and I suggest you do the same...If not for me, Sis, do it for yourself," he murmurs.

Marian laughs derisively. "Do you like using my own words against me?"

"Sometimes I have to when it comes to you...I have made my decision...If Merrill can accept it, then so can all of you," he says. We had discussed it at length and I was happy to allow him to find his own way because I had realised that he would find his way back to me. I reach for his hand and entwine our fingers.

"Are...Are you sure this is what you really want, Brother? What about Merrill?"

"I...I do want it, Marian...I realised that when you gave me that amulet and note," he replies.

"So it's my fault you want to join the Order?" she asks.

"Marian, this is not about you...It is about me and what I want for myself...I am no longer hiding in your shadow," he explains.

"Whatever, Carver... Do you want you think is best," she mutters. She stands and pulls Anders to his feet.

"Take me, home, Andy...I don't feel comfortable here," she says.

"Oh great...Let me rather leave...It is pretty obvious why you are not bloody uncomfortable," Carvers says.

"This is no longer my home, Carver. You saw to that... My home is with Anders...at his Clinic...At least I am happier there...At least there are no unpleasant memories that haunt my every waking moment," she says.

"Haunt your every waking moment? What about me, Mari? How do you think I feel? Do you realise that I think I am worse than the lowest criminal in Lowtown? Do you honestly think I can forgive myself for hurting you in that way?" he asks.

"You brought it upon yourself, Carver. If you had any shred of self-respect, we wouldn't be having this discussion right now and frankly, I don't want to hear it...You...You hurt me deeply...One would think you would have learnt your lesson..." she says. _Learnt his lesson? What does she mean? I glance at my Carver and the pain is evident in his eyes...Oh emma'lath..._

"Mari, that was a low blow and you know it...Then go...Go...If my company is intolerable, then just leave..." Carver mutters hoarsely. He looks at me and a single tear slide down cheek. I gently wipe it away with my finger.

"Merri...She hates me," he whispers.

"No, _emma'lath_, she is angry with you and deeply hurt by what you did...She needs time as do you...Why don't we go home?" I suggest.

"Mother, we are going," Marian mutters.

"No...Mari, please, please stay...I don't want to lose another child," Leandra pleas. I glance at Marian and gauge her reaction. She shakes her head.

"I don't belong here, Mother...I...I need to go...Anders?"

"Mari, please...don't be so difficult," she pleads.

"Difficult, Mother? You cannot expect me to stay here, especially after what...transpired," she says.

"Fine...I will go and you can stay," Carver mutters. He pulls me to my feet and without saying goodbye, he marches me out the house and down the stairs. We round the corner and only then does he release me. He sinks to the ground and buries his head in his hands. I sit next to me and grasp his upper arm.

"She has no idea how I feel...It always comes back to her, Merri...As if she is so bloody perfect when she isn't," he murmurs

"She's hurting, Carver, surely you can see that? I don't know what happened between you two and I don't want to know, but it must have been unpleasant for both of you," I whisper.

"Mmm...You would think that... I took her against her will, Merri...How in the Maker's name do you think I feel about it? I feel like a bastard who has royally screwed up every bloody thing... My life is a mess...I am a mess," he blurts out.

"You know, with time, it will heal...Perhaps you should let it rest for the moment...Besides, we have just over a month or so until you are due to report and I don't want you fretting yourself about what happened. She will come around as will you when you feel you are ready..."

"What did I do to deserve someone as loving as you?" he murmurs.

"Mmm...It's called, love, Carver and I don't care about what happened between the two of you..._Ma'arlath_," I murmur.

"Oh Merrill, _ma'arlath_," he murmurs.

"Now, are we going to spend what's left of the afternoon sitting here?"

"We can always go for a walk around the city," he suggests.

"Mmm...Or we can go home and spend time dancing or you can listen to me playing the lute. It's up to you."

"Well, dancing and listening to you play the lute is what I need, especially after what happened back home," he says.

"Then let's go home," I suggest as I stand. I hold out my hand and he takes it. I grab his other hand and I attempt pulling him to his feet, but he is too heavy and by the naughty glint in his eyes, he is enjoying it. I tug at his hands again, but he won't budge.

"Carver, I can't do this on my own...Now get up, otherwise I am going to leave you here," I warn.

"Is that so?" he asks.

"Well, yes...I am going now," I murmur and I pretend to walk away from him. It is not long when I feel his arm around my waist pulling me flush against him and I laugh as he twirls me around.

"Not so fast, emma'lath," he murmurs as he gently pulls me closer. He gazes at me and the air changes between. _I wonder how much longer we are going to be able to keep on putting off the inevitable..._

"Where am I going to run to, Carver?" I whisper.

"Hopefully towards me," he replies.

"Oh Carver...Who else is it going to be?" I ask and he smiles at me. He cups my face in his large hands and draws me closer. I realise he is going to kiss me and thought excites me. We are in Lowtown and people are milling about, but I don't care... I stand on my tiptoes and slip my arms around his neck. He lifts me onto his feet, rests his right hand on the small of my back while he cups my face with his left hand.

"I love you," he murmurs as he gently kisses me and we forget about everything around and instead focus on each other. He deepens our kiss, and I mould myself to his body.

"Mmm...Let's go home," I murmur. I gently step away from him, and I reach for his hand. We are about to continue on when Marian and Anders round the corner. They freeze when they see us and Marian glances at Carver, before looking away. Anders quickly slips his arm around her waist and steers her past us. Carver slips his arm around me and we step aside. Anders smiles at me but he completely ignores Carver. I roll my eyes. _So this is how it is going to be?_

"Well, I hope you enjoy what is left of the afternoon," Anders politely says.

"_Ma' serannas_, Anders," I murmur. He frowns, obviously not understanding what I just said and I smile at him.

"It means _thank you_," I explain.

"Oh...Of course...I suppose I should have realised that..." he says.

"It doesn't matter..." I murmur and an awkward silence ensues.

"Anders, take me home, now," she whispers.

"Let's go, love," he says. He nods politely at us and off they go.

"Shit...I have made a mess of things...Let's go, Merrill," he murmurs.

o0o

"_Carver, slow down,"_ I murmur as he twirls me around before pulling me back into the warmth of his arms. He smiles warmly at me before kissing my cheek.

"That was the best meal I have ever had, Merrill... Dalish food is delightful," he murmurs.

"Why thank you, Carver."

"Who taught you to cook?" he asks.

"Keeper Marethari... We learn to cook from a very young age...Mostly we cook outdoors after the men have returned from hunting," I reply.

"Your way of life sounds far simpler than our way of life...What does it feel like living alongside nature?" he says.

"Oh Carver, I love living alongside nature...There is nothing more relaxing than falling asleep to the sounds of crickets chirping or the sounds of running water and the aravels move with the breeze. It is all very relaxing and soothing. I enjoy the feel of grass beneath my feet, the breeze blowing my hair about..." I trail away. I feel heart sore. I gently disentangle myself out of his arms, and I sit on the floor in front of the fire. I reach for my lute and begin playing and soon I am swept away by the music I am creating. I feel him sit behind me and I turn towards him.

"Continue playing, _emma'lath_," he murmurs. I smile as I turn back to my lute and I continue where I left off. I am once again swept away by my music and I am completely oblivious to him until I feel his lips on my neck. I set my lute next to me and I lean into him. He curls his arm around my waist, and cups my face.

"You play beautifully, _emma'lath_," he murmurs. I reach up and curl my hand around his neck holding him close and he kisses me. Our kiss is different...It seems more intimate. I rest my head on his shoulder enabling him access to my neck. He moves from my mouth, gently kissing me as he goes along. I fail to notice his wandering hand until it closes over my breast and I push into his hand, needing to feel more that his touch. He laughs into my neck as he thumbs my nipple sending waves of pleasure through me and I groan. He moves away from my breast, skimming his fingers along my stomach until he reaches the hem of my chemise. I think he is going to tug it upwards, but instead, he slides his hand into my underclothes. I break our gaze to concentrate on what he intends and I don't wait for long. He finds my sensitive spot and palms it. He moves his palm in a circular motion and I moan. The sensation is overwhelming but extremely pleasant and I arch into his hand. He kisses me again whilst he continues his exploration and it doesn't help matters that his erection is pressing tightly against my lower back. He increases the pressure of his hand and I arch violently into it. I feel my stomach tighten considerably and it confuses me because I don't know what is going to happen next.

"Relax...Let it go for me, Merri," he murmurs. He increases the pressure a bit more and I moan...I feel as if I am going to explode from whatever it is I am feeling. He moves from my mouth and kisses and nibbles my neck. I want to turn around, but he is holding me too securely.

"Mmm...Let it go," he murmurs. _What does he mean?_ I can no longer think straight. My need for some sort of release is mounting by the second.

"Carver," I moan. The pressure is too much.

"Sweetie, let it go," he murmurs softly. I arch violently as my stomach muscles clench and a wonderful feeling washes over me in waves. I am shaking and madly so.

"Let...It...Go," he murmurs and at his words, I shatter into a million pieces of myself. I relax against him. I cannot move as my body is wracked with spasm after pleasurable spasm. I gaze up at him and there is a look of complete pleasure on his face and he is very pleased with himself for invoking such a strong reaction from me. I want to kiss him, but I don't have the strength to lift myself, instead, he kisses me.

"Is this...Is this is what it is going to feel like when we...you know," I murmur. I feel shy all of sudden and I close my eyes.

"Yes, but far better," he murmurs. He shifts behind me and I remember that he has needs to. I find the strength to sit and turn around. I place my hands on his chest and I give him a gentle push. He grins at me as he lies down.

"As you wish," he murmurs.


	10. Healing Carver Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

"_Emma'lath_, _you stay here_ while I get more drinks for us," says Carver. I reach for his hand and he pulls me to my feet. He kisses my forehead.

"_Ma'arlath_," he murmurs.

"_Ma'arlath_... I will stay..." I murmur. He grins at me and leaves me at the mercy of Varric, Isabela and Fenris. Marian and Anders have just left because she is not feeling well and because they are leaving on the expedition in the morning. I watch him find his way through the patrons crowding the tavern and I can't keep the ridiculous smile off my face. I sit down and grab my mug.

"Varric, aren't you going on the expedition as well?" I ask.

"Yes I am, Daisy, but I don't need as much sleep as my human counterparts," he replies.

"Really? Because you look as if you could do with a goodnight's sleep," I tease.

"No...I will be fine...We are all meeting at my brother's office tomorrow at eight and then we will be off on this expedition. I hope it will be worth it...I will never forgive myself if we don't return with something of value. Maker knows, the Hawke Family needs the sovereigns and Marian is determined to give her mother a better life," he explains.

I lean forward in my chair. "How is she really because she doesn't look well?"

"I don't know, Daisy. Blondie won't tell me and nor will she and it doesn't help matters that she hasn't reconciled with her brother," he replies.

"They won't, not until they make peace with it...It worries Carver all the time and he is constantly thinking of ways to bridge the widening gap between the two of them," I murmur.

"I don't suppose you know what happened between them?" he asks.

I lean back in my chair, shaking my head. "It is not my place to break the trust he has given me, Varric, and I won't betray him..."

"You do realise that he is the happiest I have ever seen him?" he asks.

"I see it every day, Varric... I love him. It is that simple and it doesn't matter to me what has or has not happened in his life. I love him," I murmur

"And it doesn't bother you in the slightest that he has enlisted with the Templars?"

I frown. "It does, but I intend supporting him in all of his decisions. He needs this, Varric. He wants clarity in his life. He also wants the discipline as well," I reply.

"He is good man, Daisy... Look after him...Now, I need to retire for the evening," he says, downing his drink.

"I hope the expedition goes well, Varric..." I murmur.

"I hope so to and I will see all of you in about six week's time?" he says.

"You are going to be gone that long?" I murmur.

"Yes...Good evening ladies and gent," he murmurs. I watch him until he has disappeared from view. I search around for Carver, but he is still busy at the bar.

"Hey, Kitten, have you and Carver gone all the way?" Isabela asks. I roll my eyes in exasperation and Fenris chokes on his drink. Isabela smacks him on his back until it subsides.

"I don't see how that is any of your business, Pirate Queen," I reply.

"Aw...Tell me...Have you tried any of the skills I suggested?" she asks. I look away from her because suddenly it is far too warm.

"That is also none of your business," I reply.

"Mmm...Something tells me you have...It must be your flushed cheeks," she says. She stands, grabs me by the hand and drags me onto the dance floor. She starts swaying her hips in a suggestive manner and I blush even more. I attempt to return to our table, but she grabs my hand.

"Show Carver what you've got, Merrill. Then he might feel inclined to go all the way with you..." she winks at me. She resumes swaying her hips. I watch her for while.

"Feel the music, Merrill... I know you play the lute very well and you and Carver dance well together...Just try," she encourages. I attempt mimicking her and I want to jump in glee. It feels so natural and so good. _These shemlens know how to give one a good time..._ I allow the music to take me and before long I am dancing just as suggestively as Isabela. I search around for her and I find her dancing suggestively with one of the patrons and I laugh. _She is such a tart..._ I close my eyes and continue dancing and very soon I forget where I am... It feels good to feel carefree. It is something I haven't really felt since I left my clan, but it was becoming painfully obvious that I was only carefree in Carver's company. I smile at the thought. I hear someone whistle, but I pay no heed, instead I continue dancing but then I stop...Something does not feel right. I quickly open my eyes and I am surrounded by unfamiliar men.

"Who said you could stop knife-ear?" a red-haired man asks.

"Yes...We were enjoying the show..." a brown-haired man chimes in. I slowly back away, but unfamiliar arms grab me around my waist.

"We didn't say you could stop," he murmurs. He presses his lips against my neck and I scream...I really scream..._Where is Isabela?_ Another man stands in front of me.

"No-one can hear you, knife-ear," he says as he grabs my hands and pulls me flush against his body. He is about to kiss me, when I hear Carver.

"Get the hell away from her," he warns and a deadly silence ensues as they weigh each other up.

"Why should I? Do you bed knife-ears?" he hisses.

"I said, get away from her," Carver replies as he makes a move towards me, but another man steps in front of me.

"She is ours to toy with and you will get her back when we have all done her over...several times," he says and this is met with raucous laughter from the rest. The anger on Carver's face is paramount as he punches him in the face.

"You little shit...Do you think we are going to allow you to get away from this?" he snarls.

"Must I spell it out for you? I said get away from her," Carver warns. The man holding me suddenly releases me and I stumble into Carver's arms.

"Carver," I sob.

"If anyone touches her again, neither one of you will get off lightly," he warns. They snigger at us as they close in on us, but I hear a whizzing sound. I quickly look for the source and I notice Isabela standing by the stairs. She strides towards us holding a dagger.

"Men, are you sure you want to play this game because if you do, you will lose," she warns.

"She's right. We will lose," red-haired man whispers.

"Yes, you will lose," she says. They quickly back away from us and I breathe a sigh of relief. I cling to him as I am overcome with tears and shock. I can't stand straight. He quickly lifts me into my arms.

"I've got you, _emma'lath_," he murmurs. He heads back our table and tries to set me on my feet, but I cling tightly to him.

"Okay...Relax...I am not going to let you go," he murmurs. He sits, cradling me in his arms.

"How could you leave her alone, Isabela?" he asks.

"I...It was not intentional, Carver, but...I apologise. It won't happen again," she replies.

"Who else am I supposed to trust to keep her safe because I certainly don't want to ask my sister," he says.

"You mean when you go to the Gallows?" she asks.

"Yes, Isabela," he says in exasperation.

"I will look after her, I promise and I am sure Varric will agree to it," she says quietly.

"Well, I hope so, otherwise I'm going to ask my Mother," he says.

"Carver," I whimper.

"I've got you. I won't allow anything to happen to you," he whispers.

"I was frightened. Those...those..." I shiver and it doesn't stop.

"Ssh...Merri..." He murmurs.

"I don't understand...Why me?" I whimper.

"Carver, I think you should take her home. This no place for her to be right now. She needs you," says Isabela.

"I know..." he murmurs as he stands. He attempts to set me on my feet but I refuse to loosen my grip around his neck and I tighten my legs around his waist. He kisses my hair and I relax.

"I'm taking you home, Merri," he murmurs.

"We will see you some other time and I am really sorry, Carver..." Isabela murmurs.

"It's not your fault, Isabela..." he whispers.

"Please take me home," I murmur.

o0o

_He knocks on_ _a doo_r and I look up. We are standing outside his uncle's home and I don't understand why he feels he has to knock. I hear a door opening and someone comes to the door.

"Who...Who is it?" It's Leandra.

"It's me, Carver...Please open up," he replies. She opens the door and peeks out. She frowns when she sees me. I must look a sight and I bury my head into his neck.

"What happened?" she asks as she stands aside to let him pass.

"Some men had their hands all over her in the tavern, Mother..." he replies.

"Again?" she asks. She obviously is aware that I have been attacked before by less than savory shemlens.

"Yes... Listen, I need to take her to bed... Is...Is Mari here with Anders?" he asks.

"Yes...They have just gone to bed...Not half-an-hour ago... Why?" she asks.

"I just want Anders to make sure is okay and perhaps give her something to help her sleep... Is Gamlen here?" he asks.

"No...I don't think he will return home tonight. He is out with some _Lowtown_ tart and he more than likely end up staying the night at her place," she replies.

"Good...Then at least she will have some privacy," he says.

"Would you like me fetch Anders for you?" she asks.

"Yes...I don't think she is going to want me to leave her alone," he replies.

"Okay...Take her through and I will fetch Anders," she says. He strides into his room, and he lays me on his bed. He gently loosens my arms from around his neck and he reaches for my hand.

"I feel terrible about what happened...I...I shouldn't have left you alone," he murmurs. He brushes my fringe back very gently with his fingers and I manage a small smile.

"Don't...Please don't blame yourself," I whisper.

"I can't help it...I love you, Merrill and the thought of those men's grubby hands all over you, angers me greatly," he explains.

"I...I know...Please lie with me..." I whisper. He is about to do just that when Anders walks in...He looks annoyed and his eyes are dark. I look away from him. It is very obvious why he is annoyed.

"I...I'm fine, really," I mutter as I turn onto my side. I feel Carver move off the bed.

"I'm sorry to have disturbed you and Mari, but please can you just ensure she is okay?" Carver asks.

"Of course...I am a Healer... It is what I do...What happened?" he replies.

"Some men grabbed her at the tavern, Anders," he replies.

"Merrill," Anders kindly says as he gently turns me so that I am on my back. "Did they hurt you?"

"I...I..." I murmur. I can't meet his eyes and I search for Carver. I see him standing behind Anders.

"I'm here, _emma'lath_," he murmurs. I hold out my hand and he moves around to take, but Anders shakes his head.

"Let me do my job, Carver... Please go into the living room and ask Leandra to make tea," he says.

"But she needs me, Anders," he murmurs.

"I know she does, but please? I won't ask again," he says. I roll my eyes because he is being so stern. It is most unlike him to be stern.

"You find me amusing, don't you?" he asks as soon as the bedroom door has been closed.

"Since when are you so stern, Anders? I think this is the first time I have heard speak like this," I murmur.

"I know, but I had to be stern with him and besides, I need to examine you properly and I didn't want you feel uncomfortable," he explains.

"Well, perhaps you are right," I murmur. I close my eyes and think about what he said. We have not taken that vital step just yet...Yes we have...touched each other, but that is all. Would I feel embarrassed if he were here? I don't think so... I open my eyes and I meet his brown-eyed gaze.

"Now, did you they hurt you?" he enquires.

"No... They...touched me...and kissed me, Anders," I whimper.

"Men can be real bastards you know that, especially the type who frequent the tavern and it wouldn't be the first time..." he explains as he thoroughly checks me over.

"Sit..." he murmurs. I oblige him and he does something most unexpected... He embraces me. "You are fine...Just shaken, but I have something that will help you sleep," he murmurs.

"I was so scared, Anders...They completely surrounded me and called me _knife-ear_," I murmur.

"And what did Carver do?" he asks.

"He walked away...But only after Isabela threw one of her daggers at the men. It missed, but she got her message across," I reply.

"She is a real fighter, that one...and Carver didn't even throw his fist?" he says.

"Please don't insult him, Anders. He didn't want to cause a scene. What would you have done in his place?"

"I wasn't insulting him...It's unusual, his behavior. He was always ready for a fight... You must have a calming effect on him," he says.

"He is very good to me...and I love him because of it," I murmur. He gently pushes me away, and gazes at me.

"You really love him, don't you?" he asks.

"I do..." I reply.

"You know this is the happiest I've seen him and I have known the family for years, so it is quite surprising. He has always been angry and hotheaded, but since he met you, he has...changed somewhat... He's more relaxed...Well, except when Marian is around, but I assume that will come right with time," he says. I lie down, yawning and my eyes want to close.

"Hey, not yet...Let me give you something to help you sleep," he says softly and I smile at him.

"You know, I think you are good for him, Merrill, despite your blood mage status," he says softly.

"I don't use it unless I have to, Anders...I know it is dangerous...I don't like the fact that I made a deal with a demon. I just hope I will be able to keep my soul intact," I murmur. His eyes darken considerably...

"But you are a blood mage," he says.

"And you have a spirit merged to your soul, Anders," I point out. Both Marian and Anders told me about Justice a few days ago and in all honesty, I feel sorry for Anders.

"Don't remind me, Merrill...I have to live with my decision as you have to live with your decision and the best thing is that my Mari loves me regardless...In spite of what we have endured over the years, she loves me," he says softly.

"Hey, I am not judging you, Anders...Your reasons are you own as are my reasons and we both have to live with the consequences," I murmur, yawning again.

"And I think I should get you some of that potion...Don't sleep yet," he kindly says.

"I can try," I murmur. He smiles kindly at me before he leaves. I turn onto my side and look at the wall. I am lying in his bed...This would be the first time since we met and the thought comforts me. I am nearly asleep when I hear someone come into the room, but I am too tired to turn around. I feel a warm familiar hand on my shoulder.

"Love, your tea..." Carver murmurs. _He called me love..._ I force myself to sit and take the proffered cup from him and for the briefest moment, our fingers touch. I take a deep breath and look at him. There is so much emotion in his eyes and on his face and my heart swells with love for him. _How can someone feel so much for one person?_ He wants to say something, but Anders walks in holding a bottle of amber liquid. It doesn't look pleasant and I grimace. He saunters over to me, smiling.

"Here you go, Merrill. It will help you sleep if you need it, but in all honesty, I don't think you will need it..." he says as he places it on the bedside table.

"And if you do use it, one teaspoon, that is all," he says.

"Okay," I murmur.

"And if you need anything, let me know, now if you will excuse me, I have someone waiting for me..." he says softly.

"Thank you, Anders, for helping her. I feel better now and I am really sorry for interrupting you and my sister...I know how much you value your quiet time together," Carvers says softly.

"It...doesn't matter...We have the rest of our lives...Goodnight," he says quietly. He turns around, walks out and closes the door behind him.

"Now that we are finally alone, how do you feel?" Carver asks.

"I am exhausted...I need to sleep..." I reply and to confirm it, I yawn. I have a sip of tea and it tastes...delicious and I smile at him.

"Your Mother makes excellent tea..." I murmur.

"I know, but Mari has said that Anders' tea is much better...I wouldn't know because I have never drunk his tea... Mages are better at making tea, than non-mages," he murmurs.

"Well, we know things," I tease.

"Such as?" he murmurs. He takes the cup from me and places it on the table. I lie down and stretch myself and I feel better. I close my eyes and then he is there, covering me with his body and I open my eyes. He doesn't give me a chance to say anything and he kisses me. After a few minutes of intense kissing, he pulls away.

"I am glad you are okay. If you weren't, I would be at the tavern beating the shit out of those men," he says.

"And since when does using your fists solve anything?" I ask.

"They have always worked for me, but I feel less inclined to use them since I've met you," he replies and I laugh at his serious expression. He looks incredibly handsome when he is serious and I touch his face.

"Carver," I murmur softly.

"Merrill," he murmurs. He cups my face and kisses me. I slip my arms around him and I wrap my legs around his waist. I pull him closer until we are touching. He gently rocks into me and I sigh...

"I want you to make love to me, Carver," I whisper.

"I know," he murmurs.

"Then what is stopping you?" I ask.

"You...You aren't ready, Merrill and I want it to be special..." he replies.

"How do you know?" I mutter. He pulls back and looks at me. His expression is hurt and confused, but it is also set. I roll my eyes because I am not going to get my way with him.

"Because you...aren't relaxed enough and I don't want to hurt you," he murmurs. I laugh, because he is right. I am not relaxed and I allow my arms and legs to fall onto the bed, effectively releasing him. I slither out from under him and I turn away from him. I know he is a bit confused, but I need to get my emotions under control. We both don't want to do something we will regret when we awake in the morning. He moves off the bed and I am surprised by the loss of his warmth. I hear him remove his clothes and I chance peeking at him. He has his back to me and by the rippling of his muscles, I realise he is trying to bring himself under control. I skim my eyes along his back, to his buttocks. I have never seen so much of him and the thought pleases and excites me. I jump out of bed. I wander towards him and when I am behind him. I touch his back muscles and he rumbles low in his throat and it makes my nerves tingle. I step away from him and quickly remove my clothes and for once I don't feel embarrassed as I slip my arms around him. He tenses and to reassure him, I trail kisses along his shoulder blades. I slowly move around until I am by his side. He turns to face me and I slip my arms around his neck. He gazes at me before he bends to kiss me capturing my mouth in an intimate kiss. His hand is on the small of my back and he is nudging me closer. I press myself into him and he rumbles low in his throat. I smile against his lips and so does he and I dart my tongue into his mouth. I close my eyes and savor his familiar taste. He slips his arms around me.

"You...You feel so good," he murmurs.

"Please, Carver?" I whisper. My need for him is intensifying and I want to feel him. I want him to love me. I move suggestively against him and he moans low in his throat. He lifts me into his arm and I wrap my legs around his waist. He turns around and pushes me against the wall and I am very aware of his erection pressing into me.

"Please," I murmur. He gazes at me, seemingly coming to a decision. I hope tonight is the night, but he lowers his eyes and my heart sinks and an intense feeling of rejection sweeps through me.

"I'm not good enough?" I murmur.

"What?" he asks and his expression is confused, hurt even.

"I am not good enough?" I murmur.

"No...Of course you are...," he murmurs. I look away from him.

"Please let me go," I whisper.

"Why? I don't understand," he says.

"I don't understand, Carver... You say you love me, yet you won't make love to me...Am I not good enough for you?" I murmur.

"Love, you are good enough...It's just that... Not like this... I love you too much and I desperately want completion with you, but...no," he murmurs.

"Why not, Carver? We have been seeing it each other for nearly five months or so and we still haven't taken that step...Is there something wrong with me or have I misinterpreted your intentions?" I ask.

"No...Oh Merrill," he murmurs, running his hands through his hair. He gazes at me. "What must I do to convince you that my feelings are genuine?"

"Why must you feel you need to convince me of that all the time? Are you uncertain of my love for you? If you are then I am confused... Please let me go," I say forcefully. He nods and lowers me to my feet. I slip away from him and I grab the sheet from the bed. I feel utterly foolish. I will not do this again. It is just too humiliating for words and the fact that men had their grubby hands on me earlier in the evening... I burst into tears...Tears of frustration and anger. I am angry that those men thought they could have their way with me. I am angry and frustrated at Carver's stubbornness and suddenly it doesn't matter. I want to be in his arms.

"Carver," I whimper.

"Merrill, _emma'asha_," he murmurs, enfolding me in his arms. "_Emma'abelas_, please don't cry," he murmurs.

"I love you, Carver...Can you not see that?"

"Oh Merrill, I know you do... Let's go to bed," he murmurs. He takes my hand in his and he leads me to his bed. He waits for me to settle down and then he joins me. He slips in behind me, but I want to see him, so I turn onto my side and I snuggle into him.

"You are not ready, Merrill... You will know when you are and I don't think something is wrong with you. You are what I want and by the maker, you will be mine," he declares. "You are beautiful, gentle and one with the nature. You are carefree and happy and I love that about you. You are _emma' vhenan_."

"I just feel so dirty, Carver...Those men...Their dirty hands and their..." I can't finish my sentence. I am too upset and I realise that he is right... I am not ready to take this step with him.

"If I could I would kill them, Merri, but I don't think that would go down well with Aveline...Imagine the horror...Never mind the disappointment I would see in her eyes," he says softly.

"But you said you killed for coin during your first year," I remind him.

"I...That is to say...Mari and I did kill for coin. We had no choice... She is going to be Captain of the City Guard and I must admit she has earned it. That bastard, Jeven, tried to set her up, but he failed... I wish I could get into the City Guard, Merrill. At least I would be able to see you, but with me joining the Templars...It is going to make things difficult for us, but we were speaking about you... If I see those men, I will give them a piece of my mind...In fact, I am going to inform Aveline. Perhaps she can arrest them," he says.

"Please don't cause trouble for yourself, Carver...," I murmur.

"Hey, I was only saying, although I will tell her...There are so many scumbags out there and I don't want any of them touching you again... You are mine and you will always be mine," he declares.

"Mmm...I need to sleep, Carver," I murmur. I try...and fail stifling my yawns. He gives me a kiss before stretching out on his back. I nestle into him and fling my arm over his chest.

"Go to sleep, Merrill...Things will be better in the morning," he murmurs.

"Mmm...I know...As long as you are here when I awake," I murmur.

"I will be...Goodnight, love," he whispers and I fall asleep, smiling and thinking about how much I love him. I open my eyes and kiss his cheek.

"I love you, Carver Hawke," I murmur.


End file.
